UnNews:Harper Relieved at Narrow Escapes

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 July 2010

Ottawa - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is breathing heavily tonight in a sigh of relief at two career-threatening close calls in under a week.

First came the resignation of the head of Statistics Canada, Munir "Mr. Stats" Sheikh, who was recently voted Canada's most popular civil servant. He resigned over industry minister Tony Clement's controversial decision to scrap the mandatory 4-page census form. In his resignation statement, Sheikh insisted that making the census voluntary was "like holding a Justin Bieber concert - you get a very biased sample." Clement responded that the census form was "too long and boring for Canadians to get to the end of" and that it was "just about a bunch of stupid numbers anyway." Sheikh famously retorted, "Do you think Justin Bieber fans are representative of the demographics of Canada?"

If that was not enough to take a slap in the polls, the government was next heavily criticized over its decision to spend $9 billion on 65 F-35 fighter jets to replace the military's CF-18's. Defence minister Peter MacKay defended the purchase as "the best we can provide our men and women in uniform." He admitted there were cheaper ones that did not fly uniformly.

Fortunately for Harper, these close political calls were mitigated in a pair of coincidences that occurred days after their respective controversies.

First, one of the CF-18's crashed in a fiery blaze during a Lethbridge airshow (cool pics here). The pilot ejected at the last moment. "I am impressed at the pilot's perfect timing," Harper stated. "Days after the F-35 announcement."

The pilot survived with only minor injuries. "Everyone is relieved," MacKay stated. "Now the public will surely support the new fighter jet purchase."

Then Saturday there was another close call for the conservative minority government. Days after the census fiasco, industry minister Tony Clement saved a woman from drowning in the Muskoka River.

The prime minister was impressed with how quickly Clement acted. "He wasted no time text-messaging his heroism to everyone he could," Harper said. "That is excellent politics."

The message stated: "I dove into a burning river and saved a helpless woman from being thrown over the rapids to certain death. Take that, Munir Sheikh." Sheikh, who was voted the nation's top civil servant in a national poll of mathematics professors, was unavailable for comment.

Sources

• "Fighter Jet Crash Proves Need for New Military Planes" CBC News, July 23, 2010

• "Tony Clement Saves Drowning Woman, Political Career" CBC News, July 25, 2010