UnNews:Halliburton: “Psst! Wanna buy a kidney?”

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 January 2007

Not to be confused with Chinese food.

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Halliburton has announced the creation of a new business arm today: an organ farm to ship unused hearts, kidneys, livers, lungs, and intestines into the states where they can be of great use to deserving American citizens.

“Well, we’re about waist-deep in guts over here in Bagdad,” said Halliburton spokesperson Sidney Kent. “So we decided ‘what the hell’ and got to harvesting some of them.”

A recent UN report states that approximately 34,000 people were killed in Iraq last year, “...Which adds up to 68,000 retinas for use by Americans.” Said Mr. Kent, “Listen, up to 50 lives can be enhanced or saved by a single donor. Using those numbers, last year alone, 1,700,000 Americans could have benefitted from dead Iraqis. Think about it.”

President Bush, speaking from the Rose Garden, was enthusiastic about Halliburton’s new program. “I think it’s great. Look, thousands of Americans are dying from organ failure. At the same time, thousands of Iraqis are dying from getting killed. I think we should put two and two together and get... uh... uh... whatever that adds up to. The point is, the United States has given Iraq a great gift of democracy. The least those ungrateful sons of bitches can do is give us a pancreas or two. We deserve it.”

President Bush went on to add that he has issued an order for American troops to shoot Iraqis exclusively in the head so as to preserve transplantable organs.

• Damien Cave and John O'Neil "Great green gobs of greasy grimy Iraqi guts" The New York Times, January 16, 2007