UnNews:Hal Holbrook is a melting lesbian
5 January 2013
HOLBROOK, HAL -- Try not to shit yourself, but Hal Holbrook may actually be a lesbian. Worse yet, he is also probably melting.
UPDATE: Yeah, he's definitely melting.
Longtime character actor Hal Holbrook had been a straight male for over eighty years until more careful analysis by a crack team of photodermatologists determined that he has been undergoing a slow transformation into a puddle of homosexual femininity for the past six years.
"If you pay attention to regions C, D, and R, it becomes quite evident that prominent lesbionic features are developing on Mr. Holbrook," said chief technician Theodore Emzee of the Photojorb Institute, jowl analysis division, "A close analysis indicates that he has retained his male genitalia from prior to the metamorphosis, but in his constant state of meltiness, nothing can be certain."
Holbrook, who has been fit as a fiddle his whole life, due to an emphatic focus on fitness during a brief fling with hardcore pornography in the '70s, seems to be transforming due to biological processes natural for a melting lesbian of his age. This stands in contrast to other males-turned-lesbian, such as Roger Ebert and Dana Carvey, who both accidentally contracted lesbianism as a result of surgery and stand-up comedy, respectively.
Scientists estimate that, if measures are not taken to reverse the natural processes, Hal Holbrook will start modifying himself to the shape of nearby containers within the next two years. His children have picked out a great urn to house his liquified remains, in the case of a total meltdown, though they've also had to hide all of the straws in the house lest Mr(s). Holbrook attempted to drink zerself to death.
- Darren DeGeneres "Database of Lesbionized Celebrities (A - H)." Carpetfiend Quarterly, April 09, 2009