UnNews:God Rewrites the Bible

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27 August 2008

This picture fails to capture the fact that the Bible has been edited, but we were kind of rushing to press.

Christians and Jews across the world were stunned upon waking up this morning to find that the Bible had been heavily edited. Every copy of the Bible in the world contained exactly the same edits, suggesting that this could only be the work of God himself.

"It's a miracle!" exclaimed Sally McWorthen, a secretary who works at the cubicle across from mine. "After two millennia, God has finally spoken to us again!"

Some of the edits to the Bible were simple factual corrections. For example, Leviticus 11:19, which once claimed that bats were birds, now reads, "And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing. Also, don't eat the bat. Yes, I know the bat isn't a bird. Seriously, you people thought I didn't know the bat isn't a bird? It's not a bird. But don't eat it."

God also seems to have corrected some of the math in the Bible. 1 Kings 7:23 now reads: "And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of approximately thirty-one point four one five nine two six five four cubits did compass it round about.'

God also seems to have taken the opportunity to clarify some modern social issues. Exodus 20 has been significantly updated with two new Commandments:

  • 11. Thou shalt not commit abortion more than twenty-three days after conception, for that is when I put the soul in. Twenty-three. You can remember that by thinking of Michael Jordan's jersey number, or that movie Jim Carrey was in.
  • 12. I know I already said this, but what part of "Don't wear blended fabrics" didn't you understand? DO NOT WEAR BLENDED FABRICS. I'm serious about this, guys. You're pissing me off. I'm about to do a Great Flood for real this time. Don't push it.

While these clarifications were welcome, some of the edits to the Bible struck many as bizarre.

One surprising change was the insertion of the book "Olsen" between James and 1 Peter. The volume apparently consists of the private diary of Mary-Kate Olsen.

"I'm not sure how to take that," said confused televangelist Pat Robertson. "Is God suggesting that we should all aspire to marry Keanu Reeves when we grow up?"

Also surprising many was the fact that God seems to have changed Jesus's name to Grak-Thar. At the first mention of Grak-Thar, God includes a footnote: "I can't believe how wrong you guys got my name."

But perhaps the most confusing edit of all was the replacement of the Tenth Commandment. The familiar text, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house" is nowhere to be seen.

In its place are, simply, the words "Burger King."

"Burger King?" asked a bewildered Pope Benedict XVI as he chomped down on a Whopper. "I'm sure God is trying to tell us something... but what?"

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