UnNews:Gingrich goes all magical on Romney
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 January 2012
JACKSONVILLE, Florida - Newt Gingrich has gone all magical on Mitt Romney, who threw up his hands and gave up. At tonight's GOP debate the former House Speaker spread his arms out in front of him shoulder high, said "iggidy boggidy boo", and created a rainbow out of thin air.
"I'd just asked him to prove that he could do a better job of beating President Obama in the fall than I can," Romney said. "He looks over at me, that little smirk starting at the corners of his mouth, when suddenly, out of nowhere, he's shining this rainbow at me all over the place and smiling like a jolly obese leprechaun. I give up. I wasn't going to win this thing anyway, and I've just wasted five years of my life. Getting out early saves me a little money and I get to spend more time with my mistress and her family."
Just like Romney, the neo-cons, the bankers, the corporate boys, and the people who really pull the strings all instantly realized that the GOP race was over. "How ya gonna beat a guy pulls rainbows out his ass?" said one of the guys who pulls the strings. "Romney's chances for da nomnation? Forgabouit".
When Gingrich produced his rainbow, another candidate on the stage, Ron Paul, put his head through it. "I wanted to see if there was a pot of gold on the other end," the doctor and poltical philosopher explained, "It was when America got off the gold standard that we got into all this trouble, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, Gingrich had found a way to balance the budget."
Gingrich, 68 and loving it, produced the rainbow again for an assembled crowd of reporters at the after-debate press conference. Laughing heartily he took questions.
"Mr. Speaker" piped up Keith Obermann of Current TV news, "Romney, Paul, Trump and Sanitarium have all pulled out of the race tonight. Can you assure our viewers that you have no more skeletons in your closet that 
are going to jump out and clank all over the place?"
"Keith, I have hundreds of skeletons in there," Gingrich grinned, speaking out of one side of his mouth while scowling in disdain with the other. "It's your job to drag them out one by one and let them 
dance in the moonlight, not mine. My job is to serve the American people, rich and richer, white and whiter, insane and insaner, and if we have to put up an entire city on the moon to impress the Florida voters, well, let's put it up there and name it San Lunar. Next question."
"Mr. Gingrich," asked Anderson Cooper of CNN, "before you did that rainbow bit you already had Romney on the ropes. I mean, it was just reported that the man has hidden and forgotten more money in his sock than I've made in a lifetime. And I've got a mom who gives me one hell of an allowance. So wouldn't you have triumphed anyway, without all that overt occultism?"
"Anderson, I didn't do it for Romney's sake, nor for the attention of the news media," the Georgia Peach intoned. "I did it for the American people, who've been begging for someone who would finally take back the rainbow from the gays and the tree-huggers. They thought they owned it, and spread it around like confetti. Doesn't work like that. Would you mind speaking for the gays, Anderson, and produce a rainbow just by stretching out your arms? Well, Anderson, I'm waiting."
Cooper, speechless at last, went up to shake Gingrich's hand in surrender. As the two adversaries shook hands, rainbows started popping up out of Gingrich's palms like it was Saturday night at the Ritz. "iggidy boggidy boo" Newt whispered huskily to Anderson, squeezing his hand and lingering just a few beats too long.
"iggidy boggidy boo!" Gingrich's staff and supporters cheered in unison.
