UnNews:Ghost haunts White House toilet
23 December 2006
"I don't think the whole bathroom is haunted," Press Secretary Tony Snow said, snowing the press following the twins' revelation of the haunted john. "According to Barbara and Jenna, it's just the commode."
Barbara first noticed strange sounds emanating from the bathroom's plumbing. "In the middle of the night, the toilet would flush all by itself," she told Spooks magazine reporter Emily Post. "At first, I thought my boyfriend might be playing a practical joke on me, but then I realized that it couldn't have been him, because he was in bed with me. Besides, he's not even allowed to sleep over when I'm visiting Mom and Dad."
Other times, Barbara told Post, "the toilet would run and run, as if the valve in the tank had gotten stuck. I'd look inside, but the valve was in its normal place. It was really creepy. Once, it started flushing while I was, uh, using the facilities, and my bottom got splashed. Ewww! Talk about gross!"
Jenna has also smelled what she described as "unpleasant odors" coming from the toilet. "The bathroom smelled like it does after Dad's been in there with his Wall Street Journal for an hour or so." The president, Jenna confided to Post, suffers from "chronic constipation and an impacted bowel: Dad's very anal retentive."
According to Snow, the president has ordered the Executive Mansion's restrooms to be fumigated and the First Lady has installed new air fresheners in every bathroom. "She's also asked the president to be sure to flush after each use," Snow told reporters, admitting that "Sometimes, he forgets."
The First Lady claims that she heard a voice singing to her from the commode once as she took a shower in the bathroom. "It sounded like Hillary Clinton," she said. "She was singing, 'Take Me Home'":
- Country roads, take me home, to the place, I belong. . . .
- The radio reminds me of my home far away
- And drivin' down the road
- I get a feelin' that I should have been home yesterday. . . .
"It's really eerie," the First Lady said, "to hear Hillary singing down there, among the, uh, sludge."
- Tony Snow "Haunted White House toilet gives new meaning to term "plumbers"" Peroxide Blondes, December 23, 2006