8 December 2008
You heard right.In shockingly recent news, George Bush is found guilty of the crime he has been accused for since the last elections. And this time no idiot is spreading such rumors. This news is straight from the horses mouth. Or kitten. Or Dubya. Or maybe just some alien. In his own words: Yes, I have been burning up the entire Earth and no one is gonna stop me now ! *insert evil laugh because his was simply ridiculous*
But that's not it,a recent interview has shown that he is still unsatisfied with his activities. Apparently his motives were melting down entire Antarctica, and as he very well knows, his damage isn't really that devastating. So he cut off all alliances with the Grues, Satan and other wannabe-Earth destroyers, deciding instead to take the matter in his own hands, literally. He used the super growth formula on himself and taking the entire Earth in his hands started barbecuing it. Fucking traitor. Call The Justice League. Or maybe God. Or just leave it to them.
But he still covers up for his mistake. Reports say that his pathetic excuse for doing so was that because Antarctica would melt he would solve the nationwide water problem. Notwithstanding the fact that this defies all logic, at least we know he doesn't lack in typical villain idiocy. He also has another dark motive. He wants everyone to be so deeply tanned that they all resemble black people and no one like Obama will get special distinction is the future.
But his most dangerous impact, of which he has no idea whatsoever is the reduction of Christmas holidays. Oblivious to the cries of a thousand heartbroken, wailing brats from across the globe, Bush continues to burn the entire world, and principals have decided that since there will be no Christmas for a few years, they better start cutting the holiday. That's right kids,no more 'hoes' from Santa, no more goodies on 25th and most of all, no free time frolicking in the snow. Time to get your lazy backsides to school.
Scientists are still trying to figure out how to solve this crisis. However they do not predict success in the near future so they leave the people of Earth to stew in Bush's maniacal plan.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|