31 October 2011
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Fox News' unbiased and uneducated reporters struggled today to
fabricate a story uncover a scandal that is sure to shake the political landscape in this pre-election year: could there be more than meets the eye to the amiable, almost overly nice Congressman Ron Paul? The mild-mannered GOP candidate from Lake Jackson, Texas, who advocates ending all wars and who seemingly never said a naughtier word than "crap" in his entire life is now under heavy fire from the Illuminati's evil owl the whole nation. Some argue that enraged, patriotic and idiotic citizens of the Motherland, believing anything their news outlets are shoving down their throats, will probably protest in the streets after reading our story.
The unthinkable has happened: video evidence of Mr. Paul actually articulating the word "shit". He could be heard afterwards trying to redeem himself: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant to say this sheet of paper will prove that the Federal Reserve is unconstitutional [...]" He went on babbling incoherently on incomprehensible topics after that such as peace and freedom, but the deed was already done. The crowd just stood there like
people that are listening attentively to a sane politician a flabbergasted bunch, finally catching a glimpse of Paul's very essence: a demon from the Underworld.
In another incident that makes Herman Cain's history of aggravated child molestation and parmesan snorting seem like child's play, Fox News has uncovered an event in which Paul could legally be sentenced to numerous years in Federal Prison. During a fundraiser, he scratched Newt Gingrich's forearm with his pen (assault with a deadly weapon). He apologized profusely afterward, but a red line could clearly be seen running on the poor victim's limb (attempted homicide). The weapon was later recovered by our intrepid team for evidence: it was a red marker. To add insult to injury, his campaign team then led him to the wrong car after the charity event concluded and stormed off (Grand theft auto). Not even Mitt Romney's admitted gang rape of multiple females and children to Justin Bieber's music could compare to the atrocities perpetrated by Paul.
Three-time convicted felon, presidential candidate and renowned hermaphrodite Rick Santorum also made a very clever declaration about the pressing matter, but we are so fair and balanced that he can go to hell.
After these unspeakable acts of cruelty being discovered and admitted to by the Paul campaign (who had the audacity to act as if it wasn't something to jail the pundit for life), our journalists dug deeper in the rabbit hole. They learned with shock and awe that in his junior years, Mr. Paul was an influent member of the "Los Illuminados", a rebel gang of mutating zombies controlled by Paul. Those bastards gave CIA agent Leon S. Kennedy all he could handle as is described in the heavily classified report entitled "President Evil: One Ron Paul to rule them all!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|