UnNews:Fiber One shortages spur massive nationwide riots
6 July 2007
JACKSONVILLE, Florida - Yesterday, the Fiber One cereal corporation announced that nationwide shortages of their award winning fiber based cereal will affect over 200 million American citizens. Both local grocers and giant wholesale businesses will face fiber one famines. The reason for the shortages is unknown.
This announcement has created pandemonium nationwide, as the Fiber One loving citizens of the United States took to the streets to voice their displeasure for the depression. In numerous cities, the disgruntled cereal patrons formed angry mobs. These mobs move in unison and, rather than destroying everything in its path, the members chewed every object in its path into Fiber One shaped memorials.
One of the more notable riots occurred within the Jacksonville, Florida police force. Upon learning of the impending shortages, the policemen joined forces with local mayor, Bubonic Plague and began beating citizens until they surrendered their entire supply of Fiber One. After obtaining every box of Fiber One in the city, the police force hoarded their stash within the walls of the police station. Tragically, this stash in only suspected to last the officers a matter of hours as the force usually consumes nearly 50 boxes a day.
Other more, pacifistic Americans resorted to mourning rather than violence. Children could be seen burying their favorite box of Fiber One in their backyards as adults could be seen weeping openly. Religious churches of all sacraments conducted quasi-funerals for the beloved cereal as the masses prayed for a resurrection of production.
In other fiber related news, the North American Council on Deliciousness (NACOD) ranked Fiber One as the most delicious cereal in the world for the 30th straight year.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|