UnNews:Fashion police tell Austin woman "girlfriend, that outfit has GOT to go!"
7 September 2007
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AUSTIN, Texas -- Austin native Kyla Ebbert, 23, longtime Cowboys fan (and failed Cowboys cheerleader candidate) was outraged yesterday to find that the outfit she was so casually wearing on the warm streets of Texas was, according to reporters, "a complete and utter style faux pas." The Miss America hopeful (more like hope-less), was unflatteringly informed by Texas state fashion police officers Thad Handleman and Rock Hardbody that her outfit "has GOT to go!" Officer Hardbody explained:
|Sister, I don't know who told you that wearing pink and baby blue was a good idea. I don't know who told you that little sash was a good idea. And I definitely don't know who in their right mind told you those shoes were a good idea. But as is, you're violating statutes that haven't even been drafted yet! I oughtta throw that perky little ass of yours in fashion jail right now! You're lucky officer Handleman is holding me back!|
Officer Handleman then went to restrain his irritated partner.
Ms. Ebbert, noted by peers for being "like, super cute" and also "totally hot," found the comments quite offensive, and refused to change her clothes on the grounds that altering the attire would interfere with her ability to conduct business. Furthermore, Ebbert became uncooperative during her apprehension, stating that she'd "[been] dressing this way for years and hundreds of men have begged to [sleep with] her." Due to her failure to comply with simple state legislation, Kyla was issued a code 69 citation for "Willingly And Unlawfully Dressing Like Something The Cat Dragged In." She was also charged with one count of "Sassing a Superior Officer", an offense punishable by 10 days in prison and up to 30 hours of Fashion Rehabilitation.
Infuriated with the charges waged against her, Ms. Ebbert turned to the aid of her mother: the equally slutty Mrs. Ebbert. The noticeably aging Althea Ebbert, 48, entered the headquarters of the Austin county fashion police with full intentions of exonerating her disgraced offspring. Upon entering the building, she too was issued a bevy of citations stemming from her "atrocious taste in plaids." Fuming with unbridled anger, Mrs. Ebbert was escorted off the premises and asked not to return without a "sensible combination of stripes and solids." Officers Hardbody and Handleman further continued their pursuit of justice by washing the fashion police Volkswagon Beetle cruisers while wearing thong bikinis and listening to the Pet Shop Boys.
The apparent joy in the officers' car cleansing was the last straw for the disgraced Mrs. Ebbert. Moments after her discharge, the elder Ebbert returned to the fashion police headquarters with two guns of sass fully loaded and aimed directly at the officers. After unloading a full clip of catty comments, Althea joined her daughter in the Austin county high-security fashion lock down.
Mrs. and Ms. Ebbert have, ironically from inside a cushy prison cell, announced plans to press charges against Austin law enforcement. Until then they have been given fashionable prison clothing, and officer Hardbody was quoted as saying that "at least she got some damn stripes." When notified of the mother and daughter's attempt to file suit, the officers slyly glanced at each other, before Handleman glibly remarked, "good, I hope it's a lot better than the ones we found 'em wearin'."
Court proceedings are scheduled for sometime next month, but may be moved to November due to the big Depeche Mode concert slated for mid-October.
- Tamika Jaxson "Nah AH girl, you need some new threads for REAL!" Fashion Police Biquarterly, September 7, 2007