UnNews:Endurance swimmer fails at her life's goal, again
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 August 2011
HAVANA, Cuba — 61-year-old endurance swimmer and record holder Diana Nyad has once again given up on her life's goal of being the first white person to swim 103 miles from Cuba to the United States. This came after her attempt this Monday night resulted in her only making it halfway before quitting, being intercepted by the United States Coast Guard, and then immediately being deported back to Cuba.
For decades Nyad has been determined to do what so many Cubans had already done without fame and glory, but in the end, her determination was not enough. After swimming fifty miles and remembering that she lacked gills, she had to call it quits, disappointing her friends, family, and the few dozen others who believed in her. "I did not expect there to be that much water, nor for it to be so wet," said Nyad at a press conference. "It looks a lot smaller on a map."
However, this is not her first attempt. Thirty years ago she tried the same feat and failed miserably. It is a mystery to many as to why she thought she'd be able to do it now that she is old and decrepit. According to her team of paid supporters, "She has been training for this failure for the past two years." Nyad also remarked that, "This time, I had an iPod, and I was certain that listening to Eye of the Tiger was going to give me that extra drive to keep going, but when I stepped into the water my iPod suddenly stopped working."
After quitting, the US Coast Guard picked her up out of the water. Believing her to be a Cuban refugee, she was deported to Cuba where she had to catch a flight to Tallahassee from Havana, which is decidedly much easier and faster than swimming. Despite her failure, Nyad stands as a testament to willpower and an encouragement to others to never give up on their dreams. Unless, of course, their dream is to swim from Cuba to Florida.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Jern Alist "Destiny ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY DENIED!: My grandma can swim better than Diana Nyad, and my grandmother is Diana Nyad" South Florida Gay News, August 9th, 2011