UnNews:Elderly ladies becoming increasingly unpopular
6 July 2009
LONDON, England A survey released today showed that elderly ladies are becoming increasingly unpopular with the rest of the UK. The survey, released by the House of Commons, consisted of questions relating to a variety of demographics and backgrounds including immigrants, Muslims and homosexuals and asked the partaker to rate their opinion of them on a chart from one to ten; ten being highest, one being lowest. There was also a comment section in which the people who took the survey were invited to expand on their answers.
It came as quite a shock to the Home Office to find that elderly ladies were in fact the least popular of the group of people available, over 2,000 people expressed their distaste for the, usually quite kind, elderly women which they must share their country with. Out of the 2,000 people, it is thought that over half of them expressed their desire to "push elderly women over" whenever they see them. Due to the controversial opinions many of the involved wanted to be kept anonymous, one of them spoke to us saying, "To be honest they just annoy the heck out of us. They're only good for money and it's a bugger trying to get it off them too, expecting us to get their paper for them and stuff, it's outrageous," When questioned on their desire to assault an elderly woman they continued, "Alright, don't get me wrong, I don't like being pushed over any more than anyone else but it's the only thing I can do to them that relieves some of the stress they inspire in me. It's hilarious watching them roll around on the floor."
Like Cow Tipping, Old Person Tipping has become increasingly popular among the youth of today, many believe it is as a result of the recession, as their parents are unable to buy them toys and games consoles with which to occupy themselves the children are looking for alternative methods to have fun. The pushing over of old people is something that has been morally debated for decades, on the one hand you have the fact that this behaviour could be seen as cruel however this is usually outweighed by the belief that being pushed over is a lot less traumatising than being raped which would ultimately be the other fate for elderly people it is because of this simple comparison that it is still taking place.
Speaking from the Home Office, John Higgins expressed the governments official position on the subject, "In all honesty it doesn't bother us at all. We understand there is an agreement between the elderly and the rest of the population which is basically don't resist or you get raped. Having been involved in negotiation situations myself, I can safely say that the elderly are getting an extremely good deal as it is and have no reason to want to change. We understand that being pushed over can be quite uncomfortable for anyone, especially an older person, however we feel as though the current situation that world is in is as a result of their actions in World War Two, something which none of us asked them to fight in and yet they demand some sort of respect. We find this appalling, they get what they're given."
Many elderly women, aged 65 and above, are arguing that their opinions be heard simply because the majority of the population of England is now in their age group. This plea is expected to be ignored by all Heads of State.
- Gaby Hinsliff "Epidemic of attacks on elderly". Guardian Online, April 18, 2004