UnNews:Donkey traffic gridlock blocks the start of Anno Domini
31 December 1 B.C.
BETHLEHEM, Judea -- It's holiday traffic chaos in Bethlehem, where a ten-donkey pile-up has blocked access to town.
Garbled eyewitness reports from the St. Luke's and St. Matthew's Gospel News Channels say there was an almighty crash of donkeys as frantic families fought for space at the hotels to celebrate the annual Roman Saturnalia holiday. The Judean Donkey Repair Service says it will take hours to sort out the mess and have advised families from as far away as Galilee to avoid the area.
The sheer weight of donkeys arriving here has closed this main dirt track highway into our town, complained local mayor Abbas Abyss. We are asking everyone to delay their journeys unless they want to spend time stuck in some cheap inn or hanging out a cave. I have never seen it so bad--It's not like we are celebrating a new century or something.
Saturnalia is not an official Jewish Religious holiday but many local families decided to "blend in" with the rest of the Roman Empire and take the time off to get merry in the name of Emperor Augustus. Though the authorities say they will make no exceptions and let people "fast track" their donkeys into Bethlehem, UnNews understands a couple from Nazareth want to be given "special treatment." Joseph Ben-Cuckold and his heavily pregnant wife Mary said they were "expected" in Bethlehem and had booked a stable, as it was an event for "all the family and their pets."
The tight-lipped Mr. Ben-Cuckold refused to say what the hurry was, but warned other news organisations that the full story about why he wanted to get to Bethlehem had been sold to the Rupert Murdoch owned New Testament-Fox. Ben-Cuckold's only reported words were "No comment" and "There is a 40 year embargo" before advising everyone present that they "should buy new diaries tomorrow" before climbing back on his donkey, surrounded by a phalanx of burly angels.
An exasperated traffic policemen said, off-the-record, "We get this every year you know, avoidable donkey accidents and people claiming special rights with some story they are about to be the next big thing. This year won't be different."
- Staff "Traffic Chaos in Judea" Bethlehem Daily Bagel, 31 December, 5 B.C.