UnNews:Deep-voiced women have fewer kids, study says

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25 September 2007

Women with deeper voices less likely to become moms, study says (thank God)

FIG LEAF, CANADA - According to a study conducted by graduate students at Canada’s McMaster University, women with deep voices tend to have fewer children. Men, it seems, are less attracted to them, seeing them as having too much testosterone and too little estrogen or, in the words of one of the research participants, as “candidates for female-to-male sex-reassignment surgery.”

Men, sexist pigs that they are, the study suggests, go for women with higher-pitched voices, finding them healthier, more feminine, more subordinate, and younger sounding.

Seeking a correlation between deep-voiced women and birth rates, the graduate students studied Tanzania’s Hadza tribe, one of the world’s last hunter-gatherer cultures who are “once removed from Neanderthal men,” the project’s leader, Dr. Penelope Poo told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “They have no birth-control pills, no condoms, and no intrauterine devices, so we were able to compare their birth rates without any external influencing factors. Their women don‘t even wear makeup.”

According to the study, men’s preference for higher-pitched voices among women caused the evolution of the deeper pitch characteristic of most males and the higher pitch that is typical of most females. Women who sound like Barry White instead of Justin Timberlake, Dr. Poo said, “are proably the forebears of present-day male-to-female transsexuals, just as women with higher-pitched voices, such as Timberlake, are probably the ancestors of female-to-male transsexuals.”

She predicts that Timberlake may undergo sex-reassignment surgery in the future, as may Rosie O'Donnell.

“Rosie has a voice like Count Basie or Al Jolson,” she observed. “She’ll most likely be a transman in the near future.”

O’Donnell’s children, Dr. Poo pointed out, “are all adopted, as are Madonna’s and several of Angelina Jolie, all of whom have deep base voices.”

The study concluded that women with deep voices often have hairy chests and backs as well and are able to grow beards and mustaches, “as old photographs of Rosie, Madonna, and Angelina clearly indicate.”

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