UnNews:DeLay shares the love in new book

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22 March 2007

Dapper Tom smiling for his new BFF occifer Wackmeov for his 1998 arrest for street huffing. Also supplied in this picture is tonight's Powerball numbers.

HOUSTON, Texas -- Former House Majority Leader and 1999's Douche of the Year Tom DeLay, has recently published his memoirs that shower praise on his former comrades in the historic 1994 Republican Bake Sale and Spelling Jamboree.

Enjoying a police escort to a book signing

UnNews was unable to gain access to interview DeLay as he signed an exclusive agreement with parody news site FOX News. We were able to get an advanced copy of the book and leak here the choicest excerpts.

On Newt Gingrich, "Not the smartest guy in the room, but more than made up for it by willing to help his friends out in a time of need and great at keeping secrets. Thanks again Newt!"

Regarding Bill Clinton, "the only Democrat I've ever admired. Asking the special investigator to define the word 'is', both brilliant and ballsy. Damn, I don't even think I would try to pull that off."

On Dick Armey, "best arm wrestler in the Republican caucus, and the best bartender. Never spilled a drink in his life... even while driving"

While he mentions several other peers and rivals in glowing terms, DeLay also made sure to acknowledge his family.

On his wife, "not the best lover I ever had, but she's willing to do her part for God and country. Great cook and the children seem to like her."

On his dog, Toto, "not the cleanest animal I've ever owned, and I didn't realize that canines spend 16 hours a day shitting softball sized turds, but she comes when she's called and doesn't fuck with my stuff."

DeLay's next promotional engagement for his book will be at the Harris County courthouse, before being sent to a Federal PMITA (pound me in the ass) Prison.

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