UnNews:Day of Mourning Declared as Elton John's Personal Fortune Shrinks from £235m to Just £175m
24 April 2009
LONDON - England. A national day of mourning was declared today by Prime Minister Gordon Brown after it was announced in the news today that Elton John, a soccer-loving homosexual from Middlesex, has lost approximately £60m of his personal fortune going from £235m to just £175m.
In a statement issued by Mr. John, he declared that the nation should pour love upon him and his plight, and if they didn't then they would be homophobic and vile pigs. He also stated that he needed the money so that he could shower himself in champagne, line his outdoor paving with caviar and try to buy a wig that doesn't look like it's just been stolen from a piss-sodden tramp.
In a country already dogged by Economic Crisis, the Credit Crunch and loads of other names given to the sitation by people who think they know what they're talking about, the public have forgotten about their own financial severities in order to help Sir Elton claw back some of his wealth.
Cunby Tighthole, an Elton John fan, says "Dude, the guy wrote Candle in the Wind! If that wasn't worth me sending him £500 of my own money I don't know what is!" When pointed out that the lyrics were in fact written by Bernie Taupin, Cubby rolled into a ball and started weeping uncontrollably screaming "No! No! WHY!!!?"
Judith Winnebager, a single parent living on just £50 a week in government handouts that just about fed her and her son followed the cause. "It's a damn shame!" she told us. "Hell, after spending my money on food, rent, electricity, water, tax, council rates, clothing and petrol I'm left with just 76p to save away. But after hearing that Elton John's fortune is down to just £175,000,000 I'm personally selling everything I own, putting my son up for slavery and becoming a prostitute purely to send him all the money. He needs it much more than we do!"
Michael "Daisy" Thompson, the head of the Elton John Fan Club, was extremely distraught, "I visited Elton last year and he was making a romantic fire in the livingroom using Microsoft stock certificates as kindling. But last week, he was only using five pound notes! It a tragedy, just simple heartbreaking to see him so destitute, I couldn't help but to cry."
It's not just Elton John fans who have need to be upset. Followers of the living God Paul McCartney pledged to sell their kidneys after hearing that he only had £440m in the bank now, down from a mere half billion pounds.
Cunby Tighthole added, "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!"
- BBC News "Music giants' 'fortunes dwindle'." BBC, April 24, 2009