UnNews:Dangerous Chinese drink spawns yet another recall
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 September 2007
Beijing, China -– Chinese soft drink manufacturer Yudai is under investigation today after several reports that its popular soft drink, Coca-Chloroform, contains potentially lethal amounts of chloroform. It appears the mistake was made when chloroform was used as a substitute for the Cola ingredient in the soft drink. It appears that most of the recalled beverage was shipped to North Korea, Cuba, and Russia. Although reports put at least 5 cases of the beverage in British Columbia
This is just one of several recalls targeting Chinese made goods. Earlier this year there was a massive recall of Chinese made anti-freeze, which contained unacceptable amounts of toothpaste, and Chinese wood chips which contained trace amounts of human bone and skull fragments. Also under investigation are the companies' Lead Zeppelin lollipops, which may have caused the deaths of several Americans at last years Lollipoplooza.
Jient Wang, CEO of Yudai, was not available for comment, but a representative assured us that all of his companies goods were up to Chinese health regulations and offered us a tour of the wood chipping facility. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, we were forced to decline.
When asked to speak on the situation at hand, U.S. FDA worker Ed Thompson had this to say, "The only thing we know for sure about this Mr. Jient Wang is that he has a small dick and is a fucking penny pinching Jew and should be executed by the Chinese government for manufacturing ANY food product containing chloroform." Curiously, these comments come just months after the 7 millionth outbreak of mad cow disease in America. We then asked Chairman of the U.S. FDA to comment on Mr. Thompson's statement and he told us, "Don't let that jackass fool you people. The only thing more diseased than United States beef products is Las Vegas hookers!"
As of this afternoon, Yudai says it will not cease production, as it would likely cost tens of dollars in lost operating time and employee wages. According to the Chinese FDA, studies show that such products have little bearing on China's average life expectancy of 13 years.