UnNews:Cocaine 'no boost in the morning'
6 March 2007
That morning snort of cocaine may not be the pick-me-up people think it is, a study has revealed. University of Trumpton researchers say that a quick masturbation in the shower would likely produce a better "pick me up" than a few lines of 'Charlie'.
But in a statement last night the British Cocaine Association (BCA) said "the research is biased and short sighted. It also does not take into account the increasing use of derivatives such as crack cocaine and hot chocolate.".
The statement also argues that, "the research has plainly been part funded by the British Heroin Association (BHA) and is obviously a cynical marketing ploy to topple cocaine as the UKs number one narcotic of choice."
Those who swear by their morning cocaine fix say it wakes them up, and if they missed out they would feel sluggish and unable to get on with their day. Captain Barry Mannering poured scorn on the work this morning as he went through final flight checks for BA flight 549 from Heathrow to New York "Woooh yeah man! I needs me a wake up call in the morning woooh! A bit of lovely charlie really gets my pecker up YEAH BABY!", he said this morning.
But the Trumpton researchers, who carried out a review of previous studies into the effects of cocaine and milk, say all the narcotic does is provide the user with an excuse to "act the fool in front of their chums. We would personally recommend heroin above what is essentially a useless powder."
Professor Peter Piper, who led the research, told Unnews: "We do NOT feel any significant boost from cocaine in the morning, but a quick injection of heroin directly into the bloodstream really hits the mark. That morning boost is what people think is useful about cocaine, but if that doesn't happen, maybe we should look at that oft misunderstood (and cheaper) drug, heroin?"
Professor Piper, also chairman of the British Heroin Association, added "I know what I'll be using tomorrow morning and it isn't that useless white stuff that rots the nose!"
Zoe Nostrilgone, of the British Cocaine Association, said the research was interesting but she added: "There are two sides to the debate and a wealth of scientific evidence suggests that moderate cocaine consumption of four to five snorts per day does have a beneficial effect on alertness and performance even in regular cocaine users."
The work comes on the back of recent findings that new born babies should be fed neat whisky and cigerettes.