UnNews:Chinese creditors approve State of the Union Address
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 February 2011
Washington D.C., USA -- Chinese stakeholders are reportedly "shatishafiyud" and "a beet armused" by United States Barack Obama's State of the Union Address.
According to American state-run media, the Chinese Bureau of Censorship green-lit President Obama's speech after he was compelled to provide a copy to Chairman Mao during the latter's visit to Washington, D.C. late last week. The Chairman was on a tour of the White House and other properties that are soon to default to Chinese creditors, and a state dinner paid for with borrowed Chinese funds was held in the Chairman's honor. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed late Tuesday that the Chinese leader had scribbled some revisions to an early draft, and gave a few public speaking tips to the US President during their meeting.
"We had to translate the President's text from English to Engrish, and then from Engrish to Chinese before the Chairman could understand it," said Gibbs. "If you caught last week's press conference, you know that the Chairman didn't want to take any chances with mistranslation." Gibbs noted that the text Obama had received back from the Chinese Bureau of Censorship had been translated from Chinese to Korean, Korean to l33t-speak, and from l33t-speak to Engrish. Obama had to translate it back to English on his own.
The President's hastily-memorized, bureau-approved address still bore the marks of its Engrish-to-English translation. One statement which caused confusion for viewers everywhere: "Our free enterprise system is what drives innervation." Obama later met with Chief Justice John Roberts and swore on a holy book of some sort that he meant to say 'innovation', but Tea Party members had already broken the internet with billions of e-mails quoting the gaffe as evidence that Obama hates the free market. English majors and neurologists everywhere were quick to counter, "That's not what innervation means!", but gave up when they realized with whom they were trying to argue.
Other observers were caught off guard by Obama's denigration of the United States at China's expense, as you can see in these two quotes taken out of context and mashed together with an ellipsis: "China is building faster trains and newer airports ... China became home to the world’s largest private solar research facility, and the world’s fastest computer. Meanwhile, when our own engineers graded our nation’s infrastructure, they gave us a 'D'." At Obama's touting of Chinese superiority, demoralized Americans everywhere frowned, put their hands deep into their pockets, and kicked glumly at the dusty ground.
"I don't think the President wanted to glorify China so much," said Robert Gibbs, "but what can he do? They own us now." Officers from the People's Liberation Army threw a black hood over Gibbs's head and carted him off to an undisclosed prison in the desolate expanse of northwest China. His public execution for sedition is expected next week.
Vice President Joe Biden giggled uncontrollably when asked for a comment, but he uttered nothing of consequence.
Congressional Republicans, holding hands and sitting together with Democratic rivals this evening in an apparent mix-up over what the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" meant, were on the attack after the speech. "We Republicans hate being right all of the time," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio). "But you know we told you all that this debt to Chinese creditors would come back to bite us. Am I happy about this? ...yes, just a little. Righteous gloating is pretty awesome in the short term, and here in Congress, the short term is all that matters."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- CNN "Obama calls for united effort to secure America's prosperity" CNN, January 26, 2011
- Rebecca Stewart "Inside Obama's third state dinner" CNN, January 19, 2011