UnNews:Cheese Declared Non-existant
12 April 2006
In a startling new development in the International Cheesemaker's Union (ICU), cheese has been declared non-existent. It has been estimated that this will cause more loss of deaths than the Black Death, but no figures are known as of yet.
They have declared it illegal, due to the credo of the union - If you can't taste it, it has been touched by Oscar Wilde, or doesn't exist. Apparently,(Although no one can say for sure) an entire crate of plastic cheese was brought in, and then, after several tastings by by the Head Taster, and a highly qualified beaver, it was declared tasteless. A recess was held to determine whether it had been touched by Oscar Wilde. The recess was broken up when the Head Taster and the beaver were accused of liking Green Day, and therefore had no taste at all. They brought several more people in to determine whether or not it was tasteless. Apparently it was. Thus it did not exist.
However, our reports can exclusively show that Oscar Wilde had touched them, it is just that nobody knew (Nobody tell them, please). After being interviewed Oscar Wilde put forward a quote: "Aren't I a cheeky monkey?" Nobody can really understand this quote, but several attempts have been made, and several of these have been reading it as being connected to Oscar Wilde's as yet undiscovered monkey fetish.
Nobody has looked into the case further, due to lack of interest, boredom, and pancreatitis.