UnNews:Castro suicide: 'Being locked up is horrible'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 September 2013

When we presented pictures of Castro's cell to interior designers, one found it so bleak he almost killed himself on the spot, and had to be calmed down by his civil partner.

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old man arrested and found guilty of imprisoning and raping three women for a decade, was reportedly found hanged in his prison cell in an apparent suicide.

Castro, who had boasted at his sentencing that there was no God and that prison would not be a problem for him lasted just a month inside. In a note he left behind, he wrote: "Wow, being locked up all day and night is really horrible. I never really thought about that before."

Gina DeJesus, one of Castro's three victims who broke Uncyclopedians' hearts in May with her chillingly out-dated cultural references, was unimpressed. "He had us down there for 10 years and made us perform all kinds of sex acts that I only have recently, thanks to Urban Dictionary, learned the names to,including one named after my home town. And that little bitch - that little fucking bitch - killed himself after 30 days?"

Mr Castro's lawyer, Dave Chapel, said, "Obviously my client was widely hated. It was certainly one of the most difficult cases I have been asked to defend, but I don't think we should take much solace from a man who hung himself. Or wait is it hanged himself? Hung himself. Hanged himself. They're both sounding really weird to me now."

See Also

• UnNews:Ariel Castro: I mock your concept of God
• UnNews:Abducted Ohio girls check MySpace

Sources

• Leverage, "Ohio kidnapper Ariel Castro dead, suicide suspected" MSNBC, September 04, 2013