UnNews:Bush confused at 400th anniversary of Jamestown founding
13 May 2007
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JAMESTOWN, VA -- President George Bush visited Jamestown, Virginia today to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the founding of the first English settlement in America, but became thoroughly confused as to the nature of the historical event. In a speech at the start of his visit, he announced "We must never forget 5/13, when 400 years ago our country was attacked by English terrorists. The town has since been rebuilt, but our memories of that tragic event linger on, and have been made fresh by the vicious attacks on 9/11. The War in Iraq is a just cause that will help prevent another Jamestown from happening again."
The President then toured the site of archeological excavations of the early settlement, but believed them to be ruins of the original American town, devastated by the "attack." He firmly believes that weapons of mass destruction were used, as evident by the fact that not a single structure was left standing. Shaking his head in disbelief, at one point he exclaimed, "My God, what a massacre." Shaking his fist at the ocean, he soon regained his composure and said that "Just like the English are now our allies, so too, one day, can Iraq become our ally. We must keep on fighting until we achieve victory."
During the President's visit, excavators recovered a sword handle in the area. Workers say new finds are made every day. Examining the weapon, Bush said, "Because of strict gun control laws, the unfortunate Americans at Jamestown only had swords to defend themselves. To prevent another tragedy, we must put a gun in the hands of each and every citizen." He then reminded archeologists to "keep on looking for those weapons of mass destruction. I know there is evidence here somewhere!"
The final stop on Bush's tour was Jamestown Settlement, a recreation of the colonial village with actors portraying residents of that time period. Looking at the people's fanciful clothing from that era, Bush was appalled and said, "Dear God. The terrifying attack must have turned all the people into flaming homosexuals. And what's this? Men wearing stockings and wigs with feathered hats?! Transsexuals too!" The disgusted President quickly retreated to his limo following this encounter, and reiterated his stance on banning gay marriage.
While White House aides acknowledged that Bush's knowledge about Jamestown is "embarrassing" they claim it has much improved in recent years. "At the start of his presidency," explained press secretary Tony Snow, "he believed that America was founded by Jesus and that he is a direct descendant of St. Peter."
- Ben Feller "Bush fetes Jamestown's 400th anniversary." AP, May 13, 2007