UnNews:Bush Administration - "All is well in the Middle East"
21 May 2007
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THE WHITE HOUSE - George W. Bush announced to the world today that "our job is done" in Iraq. "They used to be a bunch of crazed religious wackos over there, but now, they're just like Americans," led Bush's punchline in his 45 second speech: "The car bombs are just their way to celebrate freedom, like the 4th of July!" Bush emphasized that "we need to quit worryin' about the price of oil" and the main focus of his amazing eight year term will be to bring peace to the Middle East, and leave the world a better place than it was when he was elected. "I think we can all agree that he is right on par with this mission and Iraq is just a starting point. It shows the world what America can do, and I, along with the President, and probably the rest of the real Americans in this country believe that Iran is next," added Vice-President Dick Cheney, although not asked for a comment.
The reaction of the White House press corps was initially skeptical, with some questioning whether the President was just putting a spin on a failed policy. When questioned, President became irritated saying, "Well all you have to do is compare things in Iraq to right here in America." The President went on to compare the murder rate in the US to the loss of American troops in Iraq saying "In the US of A there were more than 25,000 killings last year with some 9,000 of them committed by insurgents, I mean, by poor, long-suffering, 'undocumented' aliens. America looses far less troops than that in Iraq. In America, we have another 40 or 50 thousand die on our roads, half from drunk driving. In Iraq, nobody even drinks 'likker' [sic]." He continued, "In Iraq, the US government builds schools and hospitals for free. Here we make the states and localities crawl to the federal government to get anything. Now I ask you, where is it better and safer to live? Huh!?! Huh!?!?" the President challenged. The room fell silent, with some members of the press convinced, saying they would make plans to move to Iraq "where it is safer" to live. Other members of the press were thoughtful but remained unpersuaded in spite of the President's presentation, which was termed "interesting."
"They're just being hardheaded" said Karl Rove who added, "This great speech by George W. Bush finally gives us concrete proof that our job is done in Iraq, and the operation was a huge success. Big kudos to George W. Bush and his advisors, for doing such a great thing for our world. Praise Jesus."
- Laura Bush "George W. Bush and the liberation of the Middle East". RNC Talking Points, 21 May 2007