UnNews:Brown Rules Out Early Election

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8 October 2007

Gordon Brown, trying to look happy.

LONDON - Prime Minister Gordon Brown, of the ruling Labour Party, yesterday ruled out calling an early general election. Brown, 68, has only been in the top job a few months and ruled out the election amid mounting speculation. At a press conference arranged by Number 10 he is quoted as saying “I have a mandate to govern Britain by continuing the work of my predecessor. Let the work of change begin!”

Several journalists, some of whom were reporting for tabloids, and some of them newspapers, tackled him on this quote, claiming it was contradictory. Brown explained that the former PM, Tony Blair, had also carried out change and that he was merely continuing as the former PM would have done. This appeared to be even more contradictory; according to the journalists, had Blair still been in power, he’d be in prison by now. Brown conceded that, yes, he should be in prison, but “I’m just lucky whoever’s in charge hasn’t made sure there are enough prison spaces.”

It had been thought that Brown wanted to call and win an election in order to boost his support amongst the electorate. However, he appeared to have forgotten he needed the support before the election. Realising he was nowhere close to building a working time machine, Brown decided to not risk it.

Little more than a few weeks ago, Labour had been significantly ahead in the polls, due mainly to the Labour Party conference. This was when speculation about an early election started, which would have made an election occur shortly after the Conservative Party conference a week later. A Downing Street insider revealed this was a decision on Brown’s part designed to give the Tories a slight chance in the election in order to later taunt them for losing. Brown later watched the end of the Bond film he had rented and realised he had made a terrible mistake. "Next year", Brown declared, "we will have our party conference last".

The major winner in this episode seems to be David Cameron’s Conservatives. Cameron, 13, who has been the in top Tory job for two years, had been under intense pressure from within his own party for failing to attract more support amongst the British public and thanks to the lack of a general election this doesn’t matter for at least another two years. This potentially means Cameron could end up having held the position of Tory leader for four years, making him by far the most successful Conservative leader of recent times.

Sources

• A. Tory "Brown is a complete twat" Financial Times, Oct 07, 2007