UnNews:Boozy women fight less
26 April 2007
New! - see this story broadcast on
Boozy women fight less
LOWLY FORESHORTENED, England -- Fewer women are getting into fights following the introduction of the new alcohol licensing laws in Britain. Before the laws were bought in it is thought that more than ten thousand women a week were getting into drunken scraps around the UK. Recent figures show that this number is now less than two hundred.
The emergency laws, forbidding the sale of alcohol to women unaccompanied by at least one male, were bought in after the streets of Britain threatened to become awash with broken fingernails, lost shoes and clumps of hair.
However, the news was met with disappointment in some quarters, "there's nothing more hilarious than seeing two drunk women fighting for hours on end and not hurting each other in the slightest. My drunken nights out are all the more poorer for this improvement in their behaviour", one unnamed man said last night.
"I now have to get my entertainment from kicking tramps", he continued, "but it just isn't the same, you don't get the comedy or any underlying sexual tittilation from beating on tramps. Its a real shame."
Harriet "Stomper" Lewis, who used to enjoy a good Saturday night punch up was not surprised by the findings, "well, basically after I broke a fingernail in a particularly violent fight I realised that this wasn't very ladylike behaviour. Now, since the law was changed I mainly stay in to do some house-work and cook supper for my husband. Its my role and duty as a woman in today's society and the sooner we accept this the happier our Menfolk will be."
"I mean, look at where this new fangled feminism nearly led me. It almost turned me into a fricking savage!"
- Sky "Oh you bitch, I'll tear your hair out!". Sky, April 26, 2007