UnNews:Bellicose Uzi kills Lebanese gangster’s ex-wife

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

24 March 2013

The accused

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- A crime lord in the Lebanese capital has been absolved of accidentally killing his former wife after a temperamental Uzi in his possession unloaded in her face, local police said Monday. Godfather Abdullah Farid was dining with Ms. Fatima Noor and four others on Sunday when he took out an Uzi 9mm sub-machine gun, police said. Mr Farid, who was totally unaware the gun had bullets, was showing the nifty gold-plated weapon to his ex-wife, even allowing her to peer down into the gun barrel, when suddenly the Uzi decided to fire an entire clip, blowing her head off at the shoulders.

“The gun seemingly had a mind of its own and may have been jealous of the man's ex-wife and decided to suddenly take her out, leaving Farid shocked and rightly angry at the murderous machine,” Police Sub-Lt. Ahmed told CNN: “Who can ever hope to understand the motives of a murder weapon!”

Ahmed said that Farid had been separated from his wife for a while and they were currently in a court battle over his vast crime fortune. But none of that concerned the Uzi, which had no reasonable motive what-so-ever for shooting anyone.

Immediately after the cold-oiled gun murdered his ex, Farid subdued the belligerent weapon and stopped it from reloading and doing even greater mischief.

When police arrived on the scene Farid explained to them what had happened and he handed over the guilty party along with a thick brown envelope. The police took the package and the murderous Uzi into custody, and then compiled a report on the killing, carefully noting that Mr. Abdullah had permission to own such a weapon, although the gun had no right to discharge itself in public.

The newspaper said that Farid was so shocked by the shooting that he was unable to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his dead ex, although to be fair he was also hindered by the absence of her head.

It is not clear why he was armed, why he took the weapon into the restaurant, why he was allowing his ex to examine the barrel, how the gun had managed to load itself without Farid's knowledge, or whether he knew of its violent tendencies. But one thing is certain: guns kill people and not visa versa.

The Beirut Post said the charges lodged against the murderous weapon by Mr. Abdullah carry a maximum sentence 10 years of hard-confiscation without possibility of oiling, plus an additional charge of attempting to frame Farid for the murder which also carries a possible downgrade to solitary confinement.

Back in the United States, pro-gun lobbyists have pointed out that, by and large, assault weapons are perfectly safe to show your ex-wife, and this killing was simply an isolated case of a lone gun gone wrong.

Sources[edit]

Featured.png

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 7 April 2013
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/07 April 2013Template:FA/2013Template:FQ/07 April 2013Template:FQ/2013