UnNews:Australian Prime Minister’s popularity dips in recent polls
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 July 2011
CANBERRA, Australia -- The latest Nielsen poll, (which indicates the current major political parties supremacy regarding civilian subjugation), has indicated that current Prime Minster, Julia Gillard, has taken a hit to her popularity. The general public were asked, "Who would make a better looking Prime Minister?" and the polls have shown that opposition leader, Tony Abbott, is the new frontrunner on a preferred Prime Minister beauty pageant basis, leading 52 points to 48.
Initially revered for her flowing red locks, powerful body language, up to date fashion, and subtle facial hair, the recent backlash regarding Gillard's appearance is said to have deeply affected her confidence, reducing her to an inconsolable sobbing mess who stays up all night watching late night television alone while consuming several litres of ice cream.
Mr Abbott has claimed his spike in popularity is owed to his rigorous fitness training regimen. This includes his morning swimming routine in the bay, followed by posing for semi-naked media photos in his revealing swimming attire commonly known as 'budgie smugglers'. His diet has also been attributed with his youthful looks; he only eats raw fruit and vegetables, and flatly refuses to drink anything except the holy blood of Christ, otherwise known as cheap 'goon'.
It is understood the reason for the downturn in Ms Gillard's popularity is that the Green Party leader and senator, Bob Brown, has won over the Prime Minister's 'Gay vote', with local queers stating that Ms Gillard "no longer has the 'balls' to make the tough political decisions."
Political commentators were equally scathing. "There's an old saying. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas." wrote political analyst and media stalwart Laurie Oakes. He then went on to state, "I went to Ms Gillard's riverfront mansion for a pleasant evening meal only to be unceremoniously eaten alive by transient fleas fleeing the foul recesses of her matted back hair. Dirty bitch!"
News of the poll results has pleased a gloating ex-Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, who was replaced as the Labor Party leader in a political coup by Ms Gillard about a year ago. "Nobody listened to me, I told them people prefer blondes. Just check out my beautiful golden strands of delight. I think it’s a real shame the voters were hoodwinked by Julia's make-up trickery. Every one knows that red heads are disgustingly freckly, pasty and are big fat poo poo meanies." This was the second embarrassing gaff by the Foreign Minister this week after he forgot to wear pants to a Japanese-Australian economic conference.
A Labor Party mole indicated the party intends to improve its image by broadcasting a special episode of Celebrity Makeover. However, rumours from the hairy mole on Julia Gillard's back have rarely been proven accurate.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Tim Leslie "Latest poll shows Coalition beating Labor" ABC News, July 31, 2011