UnNews:Australia says "You just don't understand our humour!"
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11 October 2009
We're just chucking a few yabbies on the barbie here and downing a few cold cans of piss while we're watching Hey Hey on TV. It's a bewdy bonza show, but we reckon you Yanks and Pommies just don't understand what good humour is all about.
I mean here's these blokes , all bonza Aussies, getting up and having a good go of it on Red Faces - for youse blokes who are not Aussies I'd better tell ya is a talent show section of a variety show. Think of it like Britain's Got Talent. But with Australia instead of Britain. And no talent instead of talent. So it's like Australia's got no talent.
Anyway these blokes get up there, and they start doing their song and dance routine, and it's a piss funny version of the Jackson five, but without Michael. I mean we're all sitting here with our cold cans of Fosters and pissing ourselves silly. I mean here we are, watching a bunch of blokes who are as white as seagull shit on a windscreen, and their faces are painted black as shoe polish. It was like a bunch of white fellas suddenly started acting like coons.
And then the clincher is that this last bloke comes out, and he's obviously a curry muncher, and his face is painted white. And he starts singing like MJ. So they're singing and dancing, and we're fair laughing our heads off like a bunch of kookaburras that have been into the magic mushies, and this smooth Yank bloke, Harry Connick, Jr., gets up and starts telling us off like we're doing something wrong.
It's just like that pavlova about Kyle Sandilands. I mean he hooks this young sheila here up to a lie detector on radio - and she's like 14 or something - and starts asking her questions about her sexual past. And I mean how much funnier can you get than asking a minor about incest.
And then she comes out and starts talking about having been raped. And here's one of the best comedy duos on radio the world has ever seen, and this little sheila is starting to go on about how she's been raped. I mean how much did she want to bugger the day up. So of course they do the professional thing and start asking her for the details on radio. Where did it happen? Who was it with? Do you have any photos? All in a very sensitive manner though, of course.
And what happens, the bloody press get hold of it and make a huge issue of it, and Kyle is kicked off the air for a couple of months. And when he comes back he's on air for a couple of weeks, no wuckas and makes a joke about how Magda Szubanski should be in a concentration camp. And it's hysterical. But what happens, the media get hold of it again, and he's off again, all because of the politically correct Yank lovers!
Now we're a bloody funny people us Aussies. We know more jokes about coons and sheilas then you fancy pants Yanks or you whinging Pommie bastards, so we know funny. It doesn't take a brick shithouse to fall on us to get a joke. Good thing we've got the deputy Prime Minister to defend us.
- gudday, g'day: (n) greeting and salutation. Not an abbreviation for good day.
- chucking: (v) throwing or placing. Also used to describe the act of vomiting. It is one that is defined more accurately by context. In this context nobody is suggesting regurgitating anything onto a cooker.
- yabbie: (n) crustacean similar to prawn or shrimp.
- barbie: (n) Barbecue. Similar to a cook out. Not Ken's girlfriend at all.
- piss: (n) Beer. Hence hit the piss, sink some piss.
- Hey Hey: (n) Hey, Hey, It's Saturday. A long running Australian variety TV show. So far it has had two episodes. Both on Wednesday.
- bewdy: (adj) great, fantastic
- bonza: (adj) great, ripper
- reckon: (v) feel, believe
- Yanks: (n) Citizens of the United States of America, regardless of what part of the United States they come from. (If you are an American and are offended by the Australian lack of knowledge of American history, what was the name of the botanist who sailed on what is reported to be the first white boat to land in Australia, after whom the Australian floral emblem is named?)
- Pom, Pommy, Pommie: (n) an Englishman, often used with the adjective whinging and followed by the word bastard. Apparently it's considered offensive.
- bloke: (n) an Australian male. To call someone a "good bloke" is to give them a compliment.
- Aussies: (n) Australian citizens
- youse: (pl. n) plural of you. Pronounced the same as "ewes". Southern US = "all y'all".
- piss funny: (adj) when something is so funny that you literally piss yourself laughing. ie kevin bloody wilson is a piss funny bastard
- Fosters: (n) An internationally distributed Australian brand of 4.9% abv pale lager, that is iconically Australian, brewed in numerous countries, and is actually not that popular in Australia at all.
- pissing ourselves silly: (v) laughing uproariously, see also piss funny
- seagull shit on a windscreen: (n) something very white
- shoe polish: (n) something very black
- fella: (n) a boy or man; "that fella is your host"; "there's a fella at the door"; "he's a likable fella"
- coon: (n) Australia’s best known cheese brand. A versatile natural cheddar cheese that is 100% natural and free from preservatives.
- wucka: (n) meaning worry, but never used in the singular, and often used as a negative. eg no wucckas, mate. From the longer term no wucking forries.
- clincher: (n) A point, fact, or remark that settles something conclusively; a decisive factor.
- curry muncher: (n) someone who is of Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or Sri Lankan backgrounds, because of their similar backgrounds but most importantly their unmistakable associations to curry
- kookaburra: (n) an Australian bird, most commonly found in gum trees. Immortalised in the poem
- Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
- Merry king of the wood is he!
- Laugh kookaburra laugh!
- Kookaburra gay your life must be!
- magic mushies: (n) a wide variety of small tanish/blueish psychoactive mushrooms found in the genus psilocybe. They are reputed to have hallu... when did your head turn into a big purple balloon?
- riled (up): (n) excited, worked up, often to the point of ridiculous behaviour, or to the point of fighting.
- go back the country: (phr) Used by racist Australians to refer to anybody who does not fit into the same ethnic or religious background as them. Note: This is not used by the Australian indigenous people, who have had their land that they lived on for 40,000 year taken away from them 200 years ago by the white people who are now saying this about other immigrants.
- pavlova: (n) meringue cake topped with fruit and whipped cream; created in honour of the Russian ballerina Anna Pavlova on her visit to Australia in the 1920s. The only ever Australian culinary achievement, with the exception of a meat pie floater (a pastry shell around suspicious unnamed meat floating in a pea soup)
- sheila: (n) a colloquial term for a girl or woman, often used to refer to someone of a working class background and outdated styles. Think of Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease
- bugger: (1) (n) an exclamation of surprise or discontent at an occurrence. From the word buggery, meaning anal intercourse, which often caused newcomers to Australia, a previous penal colony, to exclaim in surprise or discontent at an occurrence.
(2) (v) break, ruin, spoil or damage something in some way
- bloody: the adjectival form of blood but may also be used as an expletive attributive (intensifier). Used in a similar way to the word damned or blasted. According to most entymologists, it comes from a shortening of an archaic expletive attribute, Bill Oddie
- Magda Szubanski: (n) a British-born Australian actress, comedian, television presenter, radio host, writer, and overall tub of lard that is currently the spokesperson for a major weight loss franchise in Australia.
- brick shithouse: (1) (n) to describe somebody of a a large build of frame ie built like a brick shithouse
(2) a toilet block made out of brick, often used in the phrase to show the ability to perceive the obvious eg It doesn't take a brick shithouse falling on me to see that Miley Cyrus can't sing!
- whacker, whacka: (n) idiot; somebody who talks drivel; somebody with whom you have little patience; a dickhead
- if it was pissing on ya: (phr) if something were extremely obvious from the context, yet somehow people still need to have it explained. eg You wouldn't understand what this last bit meant if it was pissing on ya, and I bet you had to look it up!
- Tracey Spicer (who isn't really trying to get back into Network News at all) "Seriously, can't we just have a laugh any more?" The Daily Telegraph, October 09, 2009 12:00AM
- Siobhan Duck, Xanthe Kleinig "Julia Gillard defends Hey Hey blackface skit" The Herald Sun, October 09, 2009 09:25AM
- Holly Byrnes "Family accuses teen girl of lying in Kyle Sandilands, Jackie O on-air radio rape scandal" The Daily Telegraph, August 12, 2009 10:36AM
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This article was chosen as the Best Alternate Namespace Article in the October 2009 Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.