UnNews:As the influenza epidemic winds Dow it appears

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Monday, March 5, 2018

Dateline:Brooklyn, NY Sal DeSalvo reports [[File: Flu-ball shock: As the influenza epidemic winds down, medical scientists must deal with shocking "falloff"]

As the national epidemic of influenza winds down, an underreported and unanticipated complication has shocked the medical community. It seems that with unexplained exception virtually every male who contracted the flu has suffered "penis dropping" in which the male penis literally "shrivels up, drys out, and drops off the body." However the scrotum or sacks often vulgerly referred to as "balls" are left unaffected. Only male blacks and hispanics are known to be unaffected.

Medical sources stated that there was a difference in reaction in that male doctors were appalled and immediately started research to understand and treat the "flu fallout" while female doctors 300BCwere heard to laugh uncontrollably at the shocking result of exposure to what was normally a passing illness. The male homosexual medical association, GAG asserted the result to be so unusual that it may be the result of Russian conspiracy directed towards gay men.

But experts such as Anthony Fauci NIAID Director announced that although the results are unusual, his study has revealed hope since the condition appeared to not be permanent. Fauchi commented that although his study of dropped male origins when compared to his personal collection of over 30,000 "joy sticks," has revealed nothing, however virtually all men affected have started growing new units.The replacement growth is happily sometimes larger but is often only a miniature compared to the organ replaced. Even so, Fauci recommended "for God's sake don't sneeze."

As the news of the droppings occurring became public, well known Americans were not shy about commenting. Cathy Areu, a leading sjw and feminist role model demanded that President Trump and the medical profession as a whole find a cure immediately." She went on to demand "something must be developed to stop any regrowth of this offensive body part." She added quietly, " Otherwise it will only have to cut off again." Jimmy Kibble, Meryl Streep and Harvey Weinstein commented in unison "this is all Trump's fault." Weinstein added that he "had nothing against the president's wife." He added that "I think she's pretty hot. I wonder if she would like to be in pictures." Streep warned him to quiet down and she "I'm no pimp for Weinstein, but my career is important to the world" she "would see what she could arrange."

On the other coast Werner Wilhelm also known as New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio" said "they'll need separate bathrooms, and . . ." he added thoughtfully "we'll need federal money for that." Alex Baldwin referred to SNL for his comments and was heard to complain that he received an offensive phone call from his daughter and former wife Kim Bassinger in which they asked him how it felt to be one of the girls. When further questioned he coughed out a statement that he declined any comment on whether he had had the flu this season.

Well known washed-up reporter and relic, Sam Donaldson reemerged as part of the Washington press corps asking President Trump how he would address the problem. Trump responded "nothing fell off me ask Melania or Hillary!" leaving reporters to wonder at the inclusion of Mrs. Clinton as a source for such information. "And even if it did falloff" he added "you should see it.it grew back evrn bigger. It's amazing!"

President Barak Obama reached by George Stephanopoulos (wife of Milo Yianapolis who it was recently revealed changed his name from Howard K. Smith) in one of Washington DC's secret bath houses commented "we must avoid the loss of such significant male body parts if for no other reason than supporting equality. Gays have the right to access to all man units, like it or not. Those who don't like it would just have to swallow it. This is tragedy beyond human proportions." The former president known for keeping his composure broke down in tears. Mrs. Obama stood by him (acyually holding him up)for support all the while deeming to smirk.

An unusually emotional Obama called out in a forcefull and determined voice "penises of the world unite, there is nothing to loose but your come!"

Mrs. Obama left the former President's press conference early for a previously arranged meeting with Camille Cosby, Whoppi Goldberg, Opra Whinfry, and Cathy Areu who had issued their own joint press statement chuckling that "whitey deserves it."


  • Sal DeSalvo "[ As the influenza epidemic winds down, medical scientists must deal with a shocking "fall-off."]" ', March 5, 2018