UnNews:Amherst: You will be raped at Homecoming

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 October 2013

You will be raped. Possibly in that tent over to the right. Or the basement of that house. Or right there in the grass, surrounded by, like, a dozen alumni. Maybe it'll happen in a tree. Who knows? But it will happen.

BOSTON - Amherst College has landed itself in the national spotlight after an email surfaced this week that warned against the possibility of returning alumni raping and murdering students during Homecoming weekend. The letter, which was intended only for resident counselors, was leaked to UnNews on Monday.

"College is about doing questionably intelligent or illegal things and not being held accountable for them. Rampant alcohol and drug abuse, casual sex, and skullduggery are all things that students at our institution regularly engage in. The possibility exists that returning Alumni, disillusioned with how rigidly enforced societal laws and norms are enforced after college, will view Homecoming weekend as an invitation to commit heinous acts without repercussion. We expect several rapes, quite a few acts of vandalism, and possibly a violent altercation or three between former lovers. Please be on your guard."

Amherst, which was only a few years ago in the spotlight for their "we don't care about sexual assault on campus unless a bunch of lesbo-hipsters get all uppity" policy, is understandably upset at the publicity that the leaked email has led to. "Obviously we believe everything that was said in that email, otherwise why the heck would we send it. However we deeply regret that the email was leaked and that our thoughts on the matter were exposed to the public" said Amherst spokesman Oscar Wilde. "Really, this kind of thing happens on college campuses all over the country, could you please go bother someone else?"

The College has planned to reword future homecoming week emails, phasing out the warning about rapes and vandalism in favor of a message of positive encouragement: "Remember: the first step in creating a safe Homecoming is passing along messages about non-specific threats to resident directors with no criminal justice training. Only you can prevent Homecoming debauchery"

Sources

• Katie J.M. Baker "College Warns of Drunk, Sexually Aggressive Alumni" Newsweek, October 21, 2013