20 January 2012
Hollywood, Los Angeles -- The mysterious Anonymous group released a statement today read by a computerized voice saying that it's most recent denial of service attacks have completely succeeded.
"Yup, this is Anonymous, not a puppet of the government. Really. We promise. You can tell because we just shut down a government website for a day. We thought about seizing and wiping all of their hard drives, but then we were like, nah, that's mean. That makes us completely legitimate. Anyways, the major studios have seen the error of their ways and they won't try to recover their billion-dollar losses from "Battlefield Earth" anymore just because they have lawyers. Under the new system, instead of the government seizing the servers containing all the evidence and being all shady, everybody who has content on the internet will be paid from now on based on click statistics - a perfect system that could not be flawed in any way. Enjoy!"
The first to benefit under the new system were uploaders to the website "lolcats", who were awarded 17 trillion dollars collectively for entertaining the entire internet for the past 20 years without compensation.
According to detailed records that could not be forged in any way, only two people were fooled by click-jacking and accidentally downloaded "Battlefield Earth", but reportedly can't even remember what it's about right now. "That's ok, " happily explained the bohemian copyright holder, "We just like making art and putting it out there to get people to think, laugh and hopefully change the world. The concept that we might consistently benefit financially from making shitty movies is foreign to us now. We're going to cut our losses and give away our warehouse filled with unsold John Travolta action figures tomorrow."