UnNews:Alaskan senate race update: Everybody wins

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 November 2010

The senators, enjoying the view.

JUNEAU, Alaska -- This morning, nearly a week and a half following the election, the final votes were tallied and the long-anticipated results of Alaska’s senatorial race were announced: a three-way tie between Republican Joe Miller, Democrat Scott McAdams, and incumbent Lisa Murkowski. All three candidates will assume the position of United States Senator from Alaska this January.

It seemed like a clear and definite win for Miller and/or possibly Murkowski until several unexpected yet irrefutably valid events occurred: First, the write-in ballots were properly read and counted, revealing roughly 25% for Murkowski and 15% entirely useless. Then, approximately 5% of voters who voted for Miller, realizing they made a terrible mistake, changed their vote to Murkowski as well. Lastly, in one final, electrifying twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, several thousand ballots for McAdams were found accidentally misplaced in the back pockets of absent-minded poll workers. Counting these votes, the final numbers came in at exactly 30.00% for Miller, 30.00% for Murkowski, 30.00% for McAdams, and 10.00% for miscellaneous weirdos.

“It was a hard-fought battle from all sides, but I’m happy that we can finally settle on such a conclusive conclusion,” said Wendy Delaney, a Murkowski organizer. “In the end, I’m just glad we can all go home and say, ‘We did it! Equally well!’”

After hearing the results, the candidates held a private meeting in Murkowski’s exquisite underground lair to discuss how to divide up their senatorial powers into equal, manageable bits. They concluded that Murkowski would handle the paper work, McAdams would handle the shady back-room deals, while Miller, being by far the most young and limber of the three, would handle most filibustering on the floor of Congress. Votes would be decided by a game of rock-paper-scissors.

“This is a step forward in our nation. For the first time, all the factions can agree on something other than destroying our country, even if they are doing nothing to better it,” said one optimist.

If this arrangement holds up, Senator Murkowski-Miller-McAdams will become the first non-single-human-entity Senator since Strom Thurmond and his multiple personalities.

Sources

• Vauhini Vara "Alaska Senate Race Still Unclear" Wall Street Journal, November 12, 2010