UnNews:Abandoned Sum of USD $25 Million Found in Account at Union Bank of Nigeria
25 September 2006
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LAGOS, Nigeria -- "NATURALLY, THIS EMAIL WILL COME TO YOU AS A SUPRISE SINCE WE HAVE NOT MET," writes special correspondent CHRISTOPHER TOBY.
Toby, an account information worker at the Union Bank of Nigeria, recently discovered an abandoned sum of USD $25 Million (TWENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) in a domiciliary account that apparently belonged to one of the Bank's foreign customers. This customer, the identity of which remains unknown, is believed to have died in an oil rig in the oil-rich Niger Delta region of Nigeria. According to an unnamed source, the former owner of the account was an oil contractor with the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation, and he died while on official assignment.
Furthermore, Toby writes, "SINCE I GOT THE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS DEATH, I HAVE EXPECTED HIS NEXT- OF- KIN TO COME OVER AND CLAIM THE MONEY BECAUSE WE CANNOT RELEASE IT UNLESS SOMEBODY APPLIES FOR IT AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDELINES." Unfortunately, as Toby goes on to state, "THIS MAN IN QUESTION HAD NO WIFE NOR KIDS. HE WAS A LONER AND DIED WITHOUT A HEIR."
Previously, Toby has expressed disdain for the notion of allowing this money to be recycled into the Bank's bounded account as an unclaimed fund. To avoid this, Toby proposes the following: AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION OF THE DECEASED FOR SAFE-KEEPING AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT WITH YOU SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND WE DO NOT WANT THIS MONEY TO BE RECYCLED INTO THE BANK'S BOUNDED ACCOUNT AS AN UNCLAIMED FUND."
Toby agrees that "25% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS FOREIGN PARTNER, THEREAFTER I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR THE DISBURSEMENT ACCORDING TO THE AGREED PERCENTAGES." In a personal statement, Toby confides that he "WOULD WANT YOU TO ADVISE ME ON THE BEST AREA OF INVESTMENT BECAUSE I AM CONSIDERING TO INVEST THE GREATER PROPORTION OF MY SHARE IN YOUR COUNTRY." Toby has previously expressed his intent to invest in American securities.
Toby thus concludes with the following: "BE INFORMED THAT ALL NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS TOWARDS THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THE FUND HAS BEEN CONCLUDED,ALL I REQUIRE IS YOUR COMMITMENT AND COOPERATION SO THAT I CAN PERFECT THE PROCEDURAL REQUIRMENTS OF THE BANK. I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE."
- Uncyclopedia "Nigeria." "", 30 December, 1922
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