UnNews:"I have his stripey ass in a sling":Pippi Longstocking celebrates her divorce from fallen golf hero Tigger Woods
24 August 2010
The freckle-faced, spiky-haired ex-wife of Woods was joined by her friends, Swiss-born Heidi, Alice in Wonderland, Anne of Green Gables and Kim Kardashian (who?) for another specially arranged photocall to flash a huge severance cheque. Longstocking met the cameras with her children Pippi Shortstocking and Tigger Junior and gave a note to her lawyers to read out.
"Tigger has agreed to pay up for everything and I am very happy," said her grim-faced lawyer, Kurt Wallander. "It's been a tough year for me dealing with that little bastard..er..er...my ex-husband's affairs. Let me say that this cheque today will make me shut up from now on and now I want only peace and quiet. If you want any more juicy quotes like er...stripey ass in a sling, smorgasbord of revenge and this marriage has collapsed like a badly constructed sofa bed...etc..etc..I'll leak those via my good friend Heidi."
Ever since the news broke in November 2009 that Tigger Woods had been a serial skirt-chaser, Pippi has said little and had even attended a press conference where Woods confessed all to his family and friends. But in the end, she said she could no longer trust Woods to keep away from "the birdies" and held out for a nice fat divorce settlement. Now that Woods has paid up, Pippi says she wants to get on with her life. Her only advice is, "Avoid golfers," but she hasn't ruled out dating baseball players or tennis stars in the future.
Tigger Woods's lawyers Christopher Robin Associates said their client had agreed to the settlement. They said Woods was now trying to get into the Hundred Acre Wood golf team to play against their rivals the Wind in the Willows. Winnie the Pooh who is captaining the "Pooh Bahs" said Tigger still has a chance to get into the team but said the stripey one's recent form had been poor. He had asked Tigger that, now he was a single stuffed-toy carnivore, if he wanted some "real red meat" to get his libido going again, but said Tigger was unsure if he still had it in him to perform again.
The game against the Wind in Willows is due to be held later this year.
- Staff "Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren's record divorce settlement." Daily Telegraph, August 24, 2010