UnNews:"Hold your dork for Zork" competition clears up last of gamer infestation
15 January 2007
RANCHO CORDOVA, Sacramento, Sunday (UNN) — The plague of gamers affecting Western society is being cleared up at last. After the fabulous success of the "Hold your wee for a Wii," "Hold your piss free for a PS3" and "Hold your cocks for an XBox" initiatives, the new "Hold your dork for Zork" meme infection is spreading through the last dregs of the older gamer population.
The danger of older gamers is that they may in fact be old enough to reproduce. "We should note, though," said Center for Disease Control spokesman John Geary, "that reproduction amongst gamers is only theoretical so far. We've seen no evidence that it actually happens in any circumstances we've been able to observe."
The initiative was started by the CDC in early 2007. The first cull was a 28-year-old woman in California, who had claimed she was consuming enough water to actually cause water intoxication and poisoning so she could get a Wii "for, uh, the kids. Honest. Srsly."
With gamers' famous personal hygiene, the use of water as the gamer cleansing agent is particularly effective. Soap can also be applied in extreme cases. Many gamers' last words have been "I'M MMMEEELLLTTTIIINNNGGG!", with no trace remaining except a froth of bubbles, a damp spot on the carpet in front of the console being used as a lure and a faint lingering odour of cat piss. "They've fallen for the notion that the 'dangers of DHMO' meme is just a joke, so it works really nicely," said Geary.
Tests are now underway on clearing up MMORPG infestations. Uncyclopedia, the famous Web-based information site, has set up a test laboratory in coordination with the CDC to research how to lure in and destroy anal nerdy rules lawyers from top-10 social networking site Wikipedia. Wikipedia general counsel has responded with a lawsuit against Uncyclomedia Labs on the grounds that the policies against original research are being violated and original research of any form is unethical.
- Toshihiro Nishikado "Game over player one." CDC Emergency Alerts, January 14, 2007