UnNews:"Calls to Cornwall need to be justified", says Brown
22 June 2009
ENGLAND, UK -- In what appears to be yet another attempt to distance themselves from Cornwall, Members of Parliament have decided to monitor all calls between the southern county and the rest of the United Kingdom. Gordon Brown, today, signed a bill banning all contact with Cornwall, via telephone, unless it is absolutely crucial.
Speaking from 10 Downing Street, Mr Brown declared that "today shall be a day which will be remembered for years to come. This bill has been a long time coming and now that it has been passed we should all feel safer knowing we're a step away from making the Cornish a separate entity." It is thought that this action is an attempt by Brown to increase his support for the elections early next year, due to it's high population of Miners and teenage mothers Cornwall's popularity has seen a severe decline. By putting an end to England's relationship with Cornwall, Brown has also made their votes in all elections void meaning, seeing as Cornwall has remained a supporting county of the Conservative party, that David Cameron will have to work harder to achieve the results he would need to replace Gordon Brown in Number 10.
"The vote was unanimous," continued the Prime Minister, "minus Cameron's and a few other Tories, and as soon as we heard the news BT was immediately contacted to redirect all required transactions to a new call centre in London which will deal with all appropriate phone transactions. From now on, all calls to Cornwall need to be justified. For now, actual entrance into the county is still allowed and so any family matters will have to be dealt with in person." Although the public will be required to go through a screening process to allow them to contact anyone within the Cornish borders, it seems that the government are encouraging more and more automated advertisers to target the Cornish with their, often inconvenient, calls.
It is thought that such a strong political act will also pull voters from far right parties such as the BNP who had similar aspirations but have never been given enough power to carry them out. Although the Cornish aren't really seen as a race, members of the Cornish County Council have been reported calling this an "act of racial discrimination, one step away from genocide" to which Gordon Brown has replied saying, "Don't be stupid. Genocide? We wish the Cornish no harm, England simply wants to liberate itself from the reputation that Cornwall brings upon us and there seems to be no other plausible way than to cut off all communication."
Despite these comments, many are still skeptical about the whole situation, some going as far as saying it is a political stunt arranged by the Government in order to distract tabloids such as the Daily Mail from the increase in immigration in the last couple of months. Those who believe that it is not a hoax are divided on the possible cause of the argument. Many believe it is down to the arrogance of the Cornish whereas others specifically mention their abhorrent behaviour which has come under much scrutiny over recent years. So far there has been no large uprisings against Gordon Brown for his decision, apart from the occasional grumble about the anticipated lack of pasties, scones and other dessert items of which Cornwall will undoubtedly halt the exportation.
As the Prime Minister indicated, entrance into Cornwall is still allowed, however it is unclear how long this shall remain so. People who reside in, nearby county, Devon and have to travel into Cornwall are expected to face complications however if it results in them losing their jobs there is said to be a compensatory fund to provide them with a maximum of 6 months pay while they look for work elsewhere.
Many believe that the Tamar Bridge, used by thousands of people to travel between Devon and Cornwall may be destroyed to discourage border crossing, however the Prime Minister is yet to comment on it.
- Peter Tatchell "Self-rule for Cornwall". Guardian Online, November 10, 2008