UnBooks:Pat Robertson's Christian Pocket Dictionary: Volume Deux

any years ago, a book (no, not that one, but close) was released. This book would go on to become

a bestseller and become republished in 76 different languages. In summation, it was the greatest book ever made.

And God said: "Let there be volume 2!" That's right. Pat Robertson's Christian Pocket Dictionary: Volume Deux. Unlike the previous volume, PRCPDV2 will go places that no dictionary has gone before. Being co-written by Fred Phelps and illustrated by Jerry Falwell, this trio of Super Christians will change your life, and your underwear.

We promise, that if this book doesn't change your life for the better, that you can be assured that you will be spending the rest of eternity in hell.

#

666 - the national channel on which the 700 Club is broadcast on. It's also the area code of Dover, Pennsylvania.


69 - the mark of the devil.

700 Club - what Jesus would watch. On a side note, Terry Anne Meeuwsen is going directly to hell; she forgot to say "bless you" when Webb sneezed. Demon-bitch.

A

abortion [uh-bawr-shuhn] (noun) - a cure for pregnancy, one of the leading STDs in the nation.

Synonyms: condom, abstinence

ACLU (noun) - a terrorist cell, currently operating within the United States.

Synonyms: GLA, CIA, ICUPAntonyms: USA, DNA

adultery [uh-duhl-tur-ee] (noun) - when one reaches adulthood; reaching full maturity.

Agnostic [fag-nos-dick] (noun) - what you get when you combine fags with faggots; a form of moral decaying super-fag who is "unsure" about religion, or "spiritual".

Synonyms: Fag, Faggot, Ultra-Fag, Super Fag, Mega FagAntonyms: Anti-Fag

anal sex [eyn-l seks] (noun) - the sinful act of inserting one's genitals, fingers, cucumbers, bananas, pickles, dildos, pens, gerbils, enemas, flashlights, soda cans, beer bottles, clothes hangers, brush handles, or phone antennae up the anus, punishable by AIDS and plenty of other sexually transmitted diseases, which are only a taste of God's deserved wrath for those who partake in such a revolting and purposeless act.

Synonyms: homosexmanloveinitisness, buttsecks

angel [eyn-juhl] (noun) - the spiritual form of any being; any servant or messenger of God. Also happens to be the best damn baseball team ever.

Synonyms: angleAntonyms: demon, Democrat

Apocalypse [uh-pok-uh-lips] (noun) - the unpredictable end of the world, set to happen in 2069.

Arab [ar-uhb] (verb) - an action word, which simply means to blow up buildings and/or hijack airliners.

Example: I swear, that guy over there in the terminal looks like he's about to go Arab or something.Synonyms: bomb, jihadAntonyms: peace, Christian, American, Republican

assassinate [uh-sas-uh-neyt] (verb) - see Hugo Chavez.

Atheist [ey-thee-ist] (noun) - any person who doesn't believe in God; namely: scientists, Native Americans, lawyers, actors, poor people, gays, non-Christians, Liberals, musicians, philosophers, Wikipedia,Uncyclopediansns...

Synonyms: heathen, sinnerAntonyms: believer, saved

B

bagel [bey-guhl] (noun) - a Jewish doughnut.

Example: Burger King serves bagels for breakfast now. Their sales have really declined.

Synonyms: money, $, hole, circle, shitty doughnutAntonyms: good

baptism [bap-tiz-uhm] (noun) - when you're dunked in water (also more commonly known as a "bath").

Synonyms: swimming, Marco PoloAntonyms: not swimming, skydiving

Baptist [bap-tist] (noun) - a super Christian; one who has been baptized.

Example: You remember the passage about 'John the Baptist'? What kind of last name is 'Baptist' anyways?

Bible [bahy-buhl] (noun) - the holiest book ever made, as suggested by the fact that it can be found in hotel rooms all over the world. It's all true too. Know how I know? Because it says it's true. I need no more proof, for I am gullible.

Synonyms: New TestamentAntonyms: Koran, Vedas

An icon of Buddha.

Buddhism [boo-diz-uhm] (noun) - a completely made-up religion with some fat "leader", and being fat is a mortal sin unless you can leg press 2,000 lbs which I don't think Mr. "Rub My Belly For Good Luck" could. Fat-ass. Want more proof? Didn't think so.

Synonyms: schizophrenia, crazy, pretend fantasy crazy landAntonyms: Christianity, sanity

buttsecks [buht-seks] - see anal sex.

C

censorship [sen-sir-ship] (noun) - when any statement or form of media is prevented from being distributed or heard by the public. For example, if I wanted to call Ali Khamenei a butt-fucking child rapist, it might be censored.


Christian [chris-chuhhhn] (noun) - one who is saved, faithful, and practices Christianity according to the Bible and who will reap their rewards posthumously as they live in the Kingdom of Heaven with God. Only if they're a Baptist Christian, that is. All other sects burn in hell.

Synonyms: enlightenedAntonyms: fucked

church [ch-ur-ch] (noun) - every Sunday at 8:00.


Communion [kuh-myoon-yuhn] (noun) - either a tasty piece of Jesus or a sense of friendship or relationship with fellow Christians or the church.

Example: A "communion" involves socializing; socialism...communism...you can see the connection.

Communism [kom-yuh-niz-uhm] (noun) - what happens when you have too many communions.

Example: Are you now, or have you ever, had a communion?

crucifixion [kroo-suh-fik-shuhn] (noun) - the way in which Christ died, which primarily consists of hanging from two large pieces of wood after having your hands or wrists and feet or ankles power-drilled wood itself. This is considered ironic because Jesus was a carpenter.

Example: "Yeah yeah, I see the body, but what does the "t" stand for?"

D

damnation [damn-nation] (noun) - being condemned to hell. A well-known example of the damned are sodomites. Currently, the only thing we have on Earth that is even remotely similar to damnation is MTV.

Synonyms: pain, suffering, fookedAntonyms: salvation

Dan Quayle [dan-kweyl] (noun) - famous politician, potatoe connoisseur, and infinite fountain of knowledge.

Example: Cheney and I went hunting last weekend. I was a bit nervous, but in the end, we only shot a Quayle. Oh yeah, and he accidentally on purpose shot Harry Whittington in the face. Good times.

death penalty [deth pen-l-tee] (noun) - also known as "the sweet release of death" is a form of punishment that many in this nation are deserving of.

Example: "The death penalty? Oh yeah. Makes me hard just thinking about it."

devil [dev-uhl] - see Satan.

divine intervention [di-vahyn in-ter-ven-shuhn] (noun) - when God interferes in everyday life, which is always considering he made the Earth and everything we know of today. In retrospect, nothing separates divine intervention from reality.

Example: I had an intervention once. It was for my alcoholism. There was nothing divine about it either. A.A. is a pain in the ass I tell ya'.

Dover, Pennsylvania [doh-ver, pen-suhl-veyn-yuh] (noun) - the soon-to-be center of the Apocalypse. If the world ever gets an enema, Dover will be where it starts.

Synonyms: Purgatory

E

enlightenment [in-lie-ten-mint] (noun) - gaining new knowledge, or to quote the late philosopher and monk Goa Tse:

“ The foolish man remains closed and tight, the wise man stretches himself in every way. ”

evolution [ev-uh-loo-shuhn] (noun) - a biological theory that has only been proved on the microbiological level, which was originally proposed by an Atheist; it attempts to erase our faith with "facts".

Synonyms: lies, bullshitAntonyms: education

excommunicated [ex-commune-ick-hated] (noun) - what happens when you miss church on Sunday (that, and damnation).

Evangelicalism [eve-van-gel-ick-all-ism] (noun) - one word: awesome.

F

fag [fag] (noun) - a gay person.

Synonyms: homo, queer, rump-ranger, fudge-packer, sodomite, homosexy, etc.Example: I don't hate gays, but if some faggot ever tries to touch me, I'll beat him purple.

fag burning [fag burn-ing] (noun/verb) - setting the above on fire.

Example: "I've never gone fag burning, but I hear they smell like lavender when they burn."

faith [fay-th] (noun) - a logical and rational approach to religion, science, and all aspects of life.

Hey, that's Fred Phelps yo! Fo rizzle!

feminism [fem-uh-niz-uhm] (noun) - a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

Synonyms: bra burners, butch dykes, Oprah WinfreyAntonyms: housewife

Fred Phelps [fa-red fell-psssss] (adjective) - what the hip kids say when they talk about something cool.

Example: Yo dawg. You got spinnas on yo' whip? Word. Jigga shit. Yo' car is Fred Phelps yo. Ya feel, homeslice?

G

gay [ghey] (noun) - a happy fag.

Synonyms: fag, queer, Michael MooreAntonyms: yag, straight

global warming [gloh-buhl wôrm-ing] (noun) - lies.

Synonyms: heat, hotAntonyms: cold, global colding

Example: It's 15 fucking degrees outside, don't tell me about global warming you iceberg humping penguin fucker.

God [god] - see Pat Robertson.

H

hate [heyt] (noun/verb) - an emotion which is commonly applied by God. For example, God hates Stephen Colbert.

Synonyms:spite, abhorrence, justiceAntonyms:love, adoration, pansy

Example: "You know John? I fucking hate that guy. I heard he pissed in the office coffee filter."

Heaven [hev-uhn] (noun) - God's kingdom, and a place where only the righteous can go. And by the righteous, I mean only those who God doesn't hate.


Hebrew [he-brew] (noun) - language of the Jews which sounds a lot like German, the only exception being that in order to speak Hebrew, you have to shove a stapler down your windpipe.

Example: "Chackchak cheeechekcytch shhsckchskchhhsk fetus crucksheekshaka caca."

Hell [hel] (noun) - the opposite of Heaven.

Synonyms: the ghetto, Los Angeles, San Fernando, California

Hinduism in a nutshell.

Hinduism [hin-doo-iz-uhm] (noun) - a barbaric "religion" which worships millions of deities and cows.

Synonyms: karma, BuddhismAntonyms: Christianity, sanity

Hugo Chavez [ee-vuhl] - see assassinate.

I

intelligent design [in-tel-i-juhnt di-zahyn] (noun) - God made everything. God is, was, and always will be. Sometimes it's good to be close-minded; if you're open-minded, your brains might leak out. Brains were also designed by God.


Iraq [eye-rack] (noun) - the world's largest market, known for its excellent shooting ranges, tanning salons, BBQs, and hospitality.

Example: "We went to Iraq for our honeymoon. Our guide, Ahmed, set us up with some fine gentlemen who wanted to behead us."

Israel [iz-ree-uhl] (noun) - the Jewish holy land. A perfect vacation spot if you're fond of mortars and martyrs.

J

Jerry Falwell [jare-ee fall-well] (noun) - current prophet and reincarnated thirteen apostle; destined to battle the Antichrist. He also happens to be one of the few remaining descendents of Jesus himself, and has direct communication with God via telepathic communication which he acquired after a freak accident when he was 12 years old in which he was impaled with a burning cross during the Battle of Jehovah. He also spits holy water.

Jesus was always comfortable with the media.

Jesus Christ [jee-zuhs krahyst] (noun/interjection) - the J-Man, known for his jump shot. Lord and Savior of all who believe in him.

Jew [joo] (noun) - somebody who doesn't watch the 700 Club.

Synonyms: greedyAntonyms: Nazi, Hitler

Jihad [gee-hawd] (noun) - means "death be to American, Christians sucks; death be to the Jewpigs" in Arabic.

K

King of the Jews [king uhv thuh joos] - see Jesus Christ.

L

love [luhv] (noun/verb) - an emotion which is mistaken for sex 90% of the time.

Synonyms: quickie, intercourseAntonyms: marriage, commitment

leg press [leg pres] (noun) - an exercise routine which I have mastered; I can leg press 2,000 lbs. No shit.

Example: "I heard Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 lbs. I want him inside of me."

leukemia [loo-kee-mee-uh] (noun) - God's punishment for all of the immoral sodomy on Earth.

Example: "And God said: let he who is without sin, acquire terminal leukemia."

M

man [man] (noun) - penis-bearing homosapiens created in God's image. That's right, God has a penis; God is a male.

Synonyms: mankind, father, husbandAntonyms: woman

marriage [mar-ij] (noun) - what happens when you forget to leave the next morning.

Example: "I heard Jeff couldn't find his pants the next morning. It led to marriage. He's a changed man now. He really sucks at poker."

Sanity, like water, was scarce during Moses' exodus.

Mormons [more-mons] (noun) - Utah's state bird, most-known for sharing multiple partners and spreading their stupidity all over the place in their white polo shirts. Their name is a derivative of "morons".


Moses [moh-zes] (noun) - famous Jew who couldn't swim, so he just decided to split the water with ease. Unfortunately, he left his map in Egypt, and got lost in the desert for a few years.

Muhammad [moo-hah-med] (noun) - a late warlord and tyrant who created and spread a system of hostile and tyrannical cult-like beliefs known as "Islam".

N

New Testament [noo tes-tuh-muhnt] (noun) - like the Old Testament, only not.

P

Pagans [pey-guhnz] (noun) - I'm sure you are all familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog...


Pastor [pas-ter] (noun) - head clergy member of a Christian church; tends to be the only one who knows what he's talking about during sermons (not to be confused with a Priest who rapes children).

Pat Robertson [pat rob-ert-suhn] - see God.

polygamy [puh-lig-uh-mee] - see Mormons.


Pope [pohp] (noun) - a really old Catholic guy who says a lot of stuff around Easter time. Most of his power is religious, considering Vatican City is a shit-hole excuse for a country. He always looks like he has cerebral palsy. Although the role of "Pope" has changed over the years, one thing is for sure: every Pope is required to say something to offend a group of people in the world, and then later apologize for it. This is a requirement for the job.


Prophet [praw-feht] (noun) - somebody who has, by definition, directly encountered God, whether it be through a great vision or sharing an elevator with him.


Protestants [prot-uh-stuhnt] (noun) - yawn. To be honest with you, nobody really cares. This isn't the 15th century.

Antonyms: Catholics

R

religion [ri-lij-uhn] (noun) - there is speculation as to what exactly can be defined as "religion". In my perspective, Christianity is the only religion, so we'll leave it at that (we don't want to offend anybody now).

Example: "Yeah, Dan killed him after he stated that religion was history's leading cause of death. Dan is a very religious guy."

Rapture [rap-cher] (noun) - when God decides to retire, end the world, and calls all of the saved Christians up to heaven. Everybody else gets to live through the Apocalypse (those lucky ducks).

Example: "This helmet? Oh, it's for the Rapture."

repent [ri-pent] (verb) - a futile attempt to redeem one's sins. It has been scientifically proven that this is ineffective. You're still going to hell, sinners.

Synonyms: sucking-up, kissing ass

S

salvation [sal-vey-shuhn] (noun) - avoiding Hell by being scared into acting appropriately and abiding the Commandments.

saved [seyv-ehd] (adjective/verb) - when you accept Jesus Christ into your heart as Lord and Savior, and thus become incapable of logical reasoning.


sermon [sir-men] (noun) - an oration by a clergy member (not to be confused with semen).

Example: "She had my sermon all over her face."

sex [seks] (noun) - another term for "gender". Any other definition of the term is immoral and perverted, and thus a sin.

Example: "I'm personally offended when my wife calls it "sex"."

You just sinned (bastard).

sin [sin] (noun) - anything that'll get you in big trouble with Mr. G.

sinner [sin-er] (noun) - gee, I dunno. Some bastard who sins?

T

tribulation [trib-yuh-ley-shuhn] (noun) - a seven year period in between the Rapture and the Apocalypse in which the Antichrist will rule the world. All will be well until Star Trek is canceled, then all Hell breaks loose (literally). Oh, and the 700 Club will be canceled long before this though (sometime after the Rapture).


Ten Commandments [ten kuh-mand-muhntz] (noun) - a list of commandments that must be abided by in order to achieve salvation; copyright violations and patents are currently pending.

W

I don't know what this is about, but Falwell drew it and it looks cool.

wetbacks [wet-baks] (noun) - a person of Latino decent with many skills, such as breaking into cars, social security fraud, and being able to live on below minimum wage.

Example: "Hey, wetbacks! I locked my keys in my car. Can you help me out here?"

Wiccan [wik-uhn] (noun) - a person who practices Wicca and is essentially a witch.

women [woom-uhn] (noun) - the recessive gender in society today; can survive on daytime television and Midol. Their role in society has been insignificant as suggested by the fact that they are made out of dirt (so says the Bible).

Synonyms: cleaning, cookingAntonyms: independent, employed, suffrage

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