Truffles von der Satan
“Whoa!”
Throughout history, thinkers have come and passed, leaving a lasting legacy on the people that followed. Truffles von der Satan is such a figure and is one of the most influential people of our time. I eat my doo doo. You will learn from this article that this splendid and marvelous innovator:
- Powers the Hubble Telescope with his farts.
- Had hot dirty man sex with Dr. Phil in order to breed the PS3.
- Once auditioned for the role of bassist in the band Metallica, but got killed in a bus accident in the process.
- Tastes like chocolate covered unicorns.
Basic Analysis of an Ass-Whooping Machine[edit | edit source]
This war-turtle's anatomy makes O.J. Simpson look like your mom. Notice how his coordinated and pliable toes lead to effective baby stomping. The turtle's highly advanced sense of awesome assists in his already whimsical kitten huffing ability. His lower shell contains a built in Xbox useful as a booster seat or nuclear weapon, as seen in World War II. Lastly, but the most important worthless reference of them all, the amazingly well-equipped turtle soldier led to the extinction of DinoJesus circa 65,000,000 BC.
The Adventures of Truffles von der Satan[edit | edit source]
Act 1927, Scene 001[edit | edit source]
Truffles von der Satan was a relatively happy young turtle growing up in urban New York. His father had passed away many years ago after applying for a space program that called for a new experimental space turtle. This seemed like a simple opportunity for Truffles’s father to make some money, so it was only logical. Truffles’s father was accepted for the job and was launched into outer space. Late during the mission, Truffles’s father was assaulted by moon men and was never heard from again.
Thus, his only guardian was his mother. Despite this, he enjoyed his life- the odd smell of home quite resembling that of hobos who often stole his edible treats which he found in the dumpster, the weekends in which he and his mother would go to the playground (which was oddly labeled "BIOHAZARD") and swam in the murky waters. He thought the water smelled strange, but soon dismissed the odd stench as his mother chowing down on five week old mayonnaise acquired through barter with the local drug dealer.
After getting out of the water, he felt strange; as if he had been run into by a bus full of midgets. He was glowing green and was soon knocked unconscious. This is when Truffles's mother, under the influence of fermented fruit and rotten egg, abandoned Truffles. He was left to fend for himself all alone in this cruel dangerous world. However, he was transformed by the chemicals in the biohazard containment field he knew as the playground into a ninja. With the ability to scare a moose from a thousand meters away and the ability to stretch to over five times his normal size, he was transformed to Serpentor.
During his period of unconsciousness, Serpentor had a vision that the Russians had succeeded in inventing a time traveling machine to bring Ghengis Khan, Stalin, Hitler, Rasputin, and Tupac Shakur back from the dead to terrorize the world! Not only had they been brought back from the dead, but infused with superpowers; Stalin could throw fireballs, Hitler could transform people into flan by looking at them, Ghengis Khan had super strength and the ability to play checkers with his feet, Tupac had the command of condiments such as ketchup and mustard, and finally, last but not least, Rasputin could suck people’s brains out with the help of his Chihuahua, Cuddles. After his vision, Serpentor decided there was no time to waste; he must stop these terrorists at once. After this quick decision, however, Serpentor realized that he knew not where to find these fiends. On impulse, Serpentor decided to check the local Wal-Mart.
As he was walking into Wal-Mart, Serpentor was overwhelmed. He had never before noticed how large this store was. Quickly noticing the shuffling and rattling of DVDs in the bargain bin, he headed there, for no one in the right mind would peruse through this five dollar DVD junk collection! After pummeling through an endless number of copies of Gigli, Serpentor stumbled across a DVD titled “Tupac: The Hip Hop Genius”. After laughing at the title for several minutes, he decided to open it. Upon opening it, he realized the DVD wasn’t a joke, so he took it home and watched it. The DVD happened to the be the adventures of Truffles von der Satan, a relatively happy young turtle growing up in urban New York. His father had passed away many years ago after applying for a space program that called for a new experimental space turtle...