UnScripts:Trojan War
The Trojan War was an epic battle that took place an hour ago. There has been no other war like it since. Most of the Trojan War remained in great mystery, until well-dressed scientists had the opportunity to research and document the significant events that occurred. No modifications have been made to the original story. This is the real deal. I'm not kidding.
(NOTE- For an unknown reason, the scientists were all watching the hit movie "Airplane!" during the documentation stage... sooooo, there may have been some slight modifications made to make the Trojan War funnier, and maybe just to fill in some of the boring gaps. The "official" story is as follows:)
An Amusing Twist[edit | edit source]
One night, Odysseus trekked to the Trojan city to have a talk with another city named Paris. After much money exchanged hands, Paris finally agreed to start a war by stealing a woman named Helen from her husband's house. Unfortunately, the war almost never started due to the fact that Helen was the ugliest woman on Earth. Of course the concept of Earth in his reality was a giant ant farm so naturally Helen wasn't what a mutant insect would call attractive.
Helen's husband, Menelaus (great grandson of the Great Leonidas), was incredibly happy when he found out his wife was stolen. Menelaus had an itchy case of fire ants due to the way things were in Sparta. However, as he was flipping through her personal items to throw all the useless stuff away, Menelaus discovered that she had a receipt from Costco. '30 Inch Toshiba LCD Screen HD TV' the receipt said, and at the bottom, a note stating that it would be directly delivered to the Trojan City. 'This can't be!' yelped Menelaus. 'That money came out of MY Wells Fargo account!! THIS IS MADNESS!!! SPARTAAAAAAAAAANS, TONIGHT WE DINE ON TROJAN FLESH!!! Wait, we are not cannibals. TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!'
And so he went to get his spear, a very sharp sword, a bottle of Ajax, ability to slow down time (even though he didn't really need it), speedos, Spartan laser, and red cape. Then he went to war. After a few days of marching off to war he found that he had gone in circles. He kept coming back to his original staring point. Finally he consulted with Agamemnon about how to get started on the path to war. After Agamemnon explained to his silly, dimwitted brother that he would need a reason to start a war, that it would be a good idea to know exactly who the war would be waged against and how to go about it.
When Menelaus told Agamemnon that his wife ran off to Troy with one of the most coveted television products of the Greek Empire, Agamemnon wrinkled his nose and wondered if Menelaus wanted to go to war with his wife who held the item or if he was wanting war with the person or persons responsible for taking Helen away from him. He needed an answer because Menelaus was dropped on his head as an infant and this was the kind of shit Agamemnon had become accustomed to when dealing with his brother. 'But I thought you wanted rid of Helen...' Agamemnon queried. Menelaus retorted 'I do, but I want that TV! And who would be stealing my wife anyway? What in the actual fuck?!' Menelaus lamented. So Agamemnon asked Menelaus to wait until he had a chance to consult with the gods about a possible war with the city of Troy. Menelaus agreed and asked his brother if he could use his TV and remote control for the time being. Agamemnon laughed and walked off.
First Contact[edit | edit source]
When Agamemnon came calling for his brother, Menelaus was already taking auditions for who would be the best Spartans to go to war with, and fight alongside. As long as he got to stay in the background. But nonetheless Agamemnon brought good tidings. He told Menelaus that the war was green lit. There was a catch however. The war would only be justified if the reason for waging one was on account that Helen was stolen, and adding to that, that she was the most beautiful woman in the world (including the insect world) and that it would have to be this reason to launch a thousand ships. Menelaus reminded Agamemnon that they only had a couple dozen ships. But Agamemnon reassured him that that wouldn't be an issue and to trust him. He was after all, a warmonger and he knew his stuff.
Initially, Menelaus hired the daring and able Geeks to go to war against the Trojans. As soon as the Geeks had crossed the sea, they jumped out of the boats and tried swimming for shore... but, seeing as how they can't swim, they promptly drowned.
'Idiots!!' yelled Menelaus, throwing his toupee at the ground.
Deciding that the Greeks would do much better at the job, Menelaus hired Odysseus (a leader among Greeks) to go and fight the Trojans for him. Which of course was just what Odysseus wanted. The following conversation took place:
Menelaus: So I'm gonna pay you 1 million dollars to go to war.
Odysseus: Haha! Sucker! I would have gone to war for free!
Menelaus: Okay, go to war for free.
Odysseus: What? No! I mean, well, I guess that's okay... I was actually thinking of paying you to let me go to war anyway!
Menelaus: Okay, pay me to go to war.
Odysseus: Hey! Shit! (takes out a primitive notebook) Do you take checks?
Menelaus: No. Cash only.
Odysseus: Damn!!
As was evident, Odysseus was one of the Greeks' smartest and most cunning leaders. After dissolving the brutes who sought to take over his home and country, using his trick bow to aim an arrow through lined up axe handles and through the eye sockets of the bastards, he eventually opened his own line of taco shops somewhere in Zografou.
Zografou, though being the secret base of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, is also the little known hometown of Al Gore.
The War Begins[edit | edit source]
It was after that historic rip-off, that Odysseus, Achilles, Patroclus, and their trusty bottle of Ajax went to war against the Trojans. They were helped along by a few hundred thousand other Greeks, but not by much. Kinda like the red shirts on Star Trek. As soon as the Trojan warriors saw the advancing Greeks, they consulted some Trojan guy named Priam, who recommended they go to war against the Greeks. Too bad for them that Priam was high at the time.
As soon as the Trojans were spotted by the noble - and nearly immortal - Achilles, he immediately took action. Valiantly taking his sword and shield, he hid behind the first mountain he came to. Odysseus saw this action, and called Achilles a coward. Achilles agreed.
From the sea, Agamemnon came with his two dozen ships and a lot of fishing boats disguised like warships. The city of Troy promptly rolled up their beach cabanas, cocktail beach bars, and volleyball court and gathered inside the walls of Troy, barring the gates. Many Trojan guards stood aloft the walls and watched as Menelaus and Agamemnon declared an official start to the war. And although nobody believed her, Cassandra, the Trojan Princess told them that this war would last a decade and maybe more if everyone didn't seek some kind of psychiatric help immediately.
Odysseus made plans of breaching the wall, the bottle of Ajax just wanted to ram the gates, and Patroclus was checking out the Trojan guards and even flirted with them. Achilles noticed and soon there was a brawl within the ranks of the Greeks. The citizens of Troy mocked them. Naturally. And Agamemnon started acting like a genocidal maniac. Everyone told him to calm the fuck down, except Menelaus, who was used to seeing Agamemnon being a total bloodthirsty psychopath.
When King Priam, who was in a fog, looked over the wall straining his bloodshot eyes at the army crowded around his city, he demanded to know why they were there. Menelaus stepped forward and stated loudly that they stole his wife Helen. Then lowering his voice somewhat, he continued to tell the king that there better not even be a scratch on that TV set that she has with her. At this Priam was confused and asked Menelaus how he came to assume that Helen was stolen. Then the name Paris got thrown out. Almost as an afterthought. Imagine the shock to learn that Paris was also a man with whom Helen was having an affair with.
At this Agamemnon and the rest of the Greeks backed away a tad. This was something they hadn't really considered because the war was based on Menelaus' wife being stolen and it was sold as something that was against her will. When it was discovered that Paris was more than a city, but a lover, this threw a monkey wrench into their plot. They didn't know how to deal with this new information. So Menelaus stood next to the gates and put his ear up against it, hoping to hear that TV playing away somewhere from within. Agamemnon asked him if he heard anything. Menelaus said no. Then he caught a whiff of freshly baked cookies on the wind. Helen had baked Paris her famous chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies. Menelaus threw a hissy fit.
A Gift From The Gods[edit | edit source]
After a brief period of battling against the Trojans, and losing horribly, Odysseus was ready to give up hope. Fortunately for them, a team of monkey cheerleaders appeared from the gods, for moral support.
The monkeys quickly took up their practiced positions in the local palm trees, while Odysseus walked unarmed to the Trojan city gates, and challenged Priam to a single duel. Priam refused.
"Chicken!!" yelled Odysseus, strutting around and clucking, in a very chicken-like manner. This made Priam mad. He ran down into the battlefield, where, encouraged by the shrieks of the monkeys, Odysseus promptly kicked Priam's ass. Achilles congratulated Odysseus and shook his hand warmly.
Up in the trees, the monkeys shook hands too. I mean, paws.
The Trojans hissed and booed. The Greeks laughed. The gods guffawed. Then the monkeys laughed. Then they sang a new cheering song about being there and how they came, walking down the street. Getting the funniest looks from everyone they meet.
It was a circus-like spectacle. And this all started with Aphrodite's vanity at being the winner of a contest. Her gift of a golden apple to Paris and offering up Helen like a carnival prize just so she could strut around at being judged the fairest of all goddesses by a mortal man who tended to goats and sheep most of his life.
Menelaus vs Paris[edit | edit source]
After Menelaus landed on Troy, his SPARTAAAAAAAAN pride exploded with Superpiss-offness when he saw Paris and attack him for no apparent reason. Paris, a pussy he is, is afraid to battle the overly huge SPARTAAAAAAAAN at his might. So, his brother Hector just stood there like a dumbass, and fell asleep. Menelaus was about to kill Paris with his bottle of Ajax (Odysseus had given Menelaus a bottle) when Hector blocked his attack. Although he did inhale a little of the Ajax Menelaus used against him. It would have been that Hector kills Menelaus if Menelaus had forgotten how to slow time. Then for some reason, Paris and Hector disappear. Menelaus then decided to join his SPARTAAAAAAAAN army busy dining in hell. Then Menelaus calls Kratos on his cell phone to ask if he wants to join the war. Kratos' obvious answer is that he wants to kill Zeus.
(Interlude)[edit | edit source]
As many of you may know, there was a Trojan oracle named Cassandra. She was much like the oracle from The Matrix. In fact, it is believed that the events of The Matrix coincide directly with the Trojan War. There was a bit of competition between those two oracles as to who would get to predict the future correctly, which resulted in an all-out fight. As it ended up, Cassandra got her face bitch-slapped by The Matrix oracle, then ran off crying.
The Matrix Oracle then found some random dude named "Neo", and told him that she figured out his name could be rearranged to spell "eNo."
Matrix Oracle: I figured out your name can be rearranged to spell "eNo."
Neo: Um.
Matrix Oracle: No, seriously! Look, you take the "N" and you put it in the middle.
Neo: I think I have a dental appointment... see ya.
Matrix Oracle: No, wait! You are the One!! The only man who can save us!
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Matrix Oracle: Uh... you're the Two.
Morpheus: You call yourself an Oracle? I want my five dollars back.
Then Cassandra came back and bitch-slapped the Oracle and took ten dollars from her purse and went off to spend it on cigarettes. Morpheus and Cassandra then went off to go grab a taco.
Alright, Who Wrote This?[edit | edit source]
After deciding that it would be righteously awesome to be against the Greeks, on the Trojan side, Einstein decided to summon up his forces, which basically consisted of two moldy pieces of cheese. Using the theory of relativity, Einstein summoned all his aunts and uncles, and a dog. Those Greek monkeys were in for a real licking, which is exactly what Einstein gave them.
Unfortunately, if you lick a monkey, you will get a serious amount of fur on your tongue. Unless you lick a bald monkey. Because they don't have fur. Having been thrust into the middle of a war by the crazy, unhinged Einstein, his uncles and aunts, and the dog, fled for their lives. The monkeys were weirded out by the strange hairy guy that was licking them. The Greeks thought this was a diversion cooked up by the Trojans. And the Trojans thought it to be the work of the Devil. The more religious of the Trojans alerted king Priam that Agamemnon was in league with the evil one and to start bringing in exorcists. Just in case. The king reminded them that Agamemnon was most likely the devil himself, and that if this was the best he could do, calling out a war on a city he could not penetrate on the presumption that Paris was a city before realizing he was Helen's lover and marched on Troy without getting all the facts first, then they were dealing with a very stupid, dumbass, retarded devil. However there were others who questioned the theory and suggested that Agamemnon was really just an asshole.
Einstein: We need to get to hospital, now!
Soldier: What is it?
Einstein: It's a big building with patients and doctors and nurses, but that's not important right now.
Soldier: Right away, sir.
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
The Final Showdown![edit | edit source]
With the monkeys having mysteriously wandered off, Odysseus' army was seriously outnumbered. They needed a plan, and now.
"I know!" said Odysseus, "Let's make a huge wooden horse, just to confuse the Trojan armies!"
The other Greek men agreed that it was for the best.
They quickly gathered all the palm trees, and while watching a do-it-yourself program on the Home Improvement Channel, they quickly threw together the Trojan Horse.
Around this time, a man named Hector was just waking in the Trojan city. When he looked out his window and saw this lump of wood vaguely in the shape of a horse, he said "I must have zis horse." This act angered Hitler, god of wanting things that aren't yours, and he immediately poked Achilles over and over until Achilles agreed to kill Hector suggesting that they fight it out, in order to win the war so everyone could go home.
Achilles came out from behind the mountain, and grabbed the bottle of Ajax before setting off towards the city. He knocked on the city gate twice, making sure to hide the Ajax behind his back. When the guard finally appeared, Achilles employed the classic rhetoric persuasion methods of Logos, Pathos, and Ethos to convincingly talk his way in.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: No.
Achilles: Can I come in?
Guard: Fine, just shut up!
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Achilles walked twice around the Trojan city before he found Hector, lounging up on top of the Trojan Horse.
"Surprise!" shouted Achilles, and he sprayed Ajax into Hector's eyes.
Hector gasped and died, with some amazingly good theatrics, considering the studio was only paying him minimum wage. Okay, so, first Hector flopped on the ground in apparent surprise, followed by some rolling around in apparent pain, before looking at Achilles in apparent desperation, as if to say "Why me?" and then he just died.
Excited by the victory, Achilles grabbed Hector's body and dragged it outside the city, which surprised the previously mentioned guard quite a bit. Achilles then took a picture of himself with the body, sent it back to his parents in Florida, and hid behind his mountain again. Oh, that noble Achilles.
After that dark day in Trojan memory, and after Achilles had his fun with using Hector as a raking hoe, king Priam went to the Greeks to beg for the body of his son Hector so that a proper burial could be made. They wanted to do the usual last rites in which belly dancers would pray for his soul to cross over into the heavenly Mount Olympus, while shaking their money makers. The Trojans' traditional burials were always performed to ease the pain of losing a loved one. And the dancers seemed to do an excellent job at that. Meanwhile as Priam was taking Hector's body back home, Agamemnon was busy taking pictures of Cassandra and Briseis. It was on account of Agamemnon demanding Briseis as his own that Achilles feuded with Agamemnon since he stole her fair and square before this whole episode with Helen and Paris. Agamemnon told Achilles that he would have Briseis or else. Achilles hid back behind his mountain.
Yet Cassandra knew she was being eyed by Agamemnon and wanted nothing to do with the creepy stalker guy who was trying to kill everyone. She would have consulted with Apollo but she sought shelter in Athena's temple right before the bottle of Ajax showed up. When Cassandra saw the Ajax she tried to flee the temple but couldn't get around the janitor's cart in time to make it to the back exit. In Athena's temple Cassandra was forced to clean the pipes. And to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, she was handed over to Agamemnon anyway, for his use later. He teased her and told her that if she thought Ajax was something, to watch out because he was Mr. Clean. A lot more powerful at getting to those hard to reach places. Cassandra was stoic but thankfully she still had a pack of cigarettes with her.
The Actual Final Showdown!![edit | edit source]
"Oh, no," said Odysseus, for he had seen what was really the last challenge. Among the rubble of the very confused Trojan City, there was a dark figure looming over the Greek army. The incredible ugliness of this creature far surpassed anything ever seen before, even a typical Geek. It's a plane! It's Tom Cruise! No wait... it's...
"Dr. Phil!!" some Greek guy screamed, and he ran for it, followed closely by approximately the entire Greek army.
The dark figure advanced slowly on the retreating army. "You guys need professional help," it droned, "This is a time in your lives when you are most subject to a crisis of some sort, which only I can cure."
"Damn it!" said Odysseus. "Dr. Phil! The essence of all evil!"
Odysseus ran after his retreating men, shouting at them to come back, but they couldn't hear him due to the fact that they were all covering their ears, trying to drown out the "helpful advice" Dr. Phil was giving. When all of Odysseus' efforts failed, he looked back only to see his trusty friends, Patroclus, Achilles, and the bottle of Ajax.
"Achilles," said Odysseus, surprised, "what are you doing out from behind your mountain?"
"I saw a spider," Achilles muttered.
"Well," Odysseus said, "I guess this is it, guys. This final challenge will determine everything. Who lives, who dies, and who gets a self-help."
"Patroclus," said Dr. Phil, "You need professional advice. I can help you there."
"Noooooo!" screamed Patroclus, and, clutching his head, he fell down... dead! Achilles, seeing an opportunity, laid down and pretended to be dead too.
The death of Patroclus made Odysseus and Menelaus angry. "Eat this, you person!!" he yelled, and he threw the entire bottle of Ajax at Dr. Phil, which seemed to move in slow motion as it arched gracefully through the air, cracking open on contact with Dr. Phil's head. Seconds later, as if by the hand of God, the famous psychologist began to sink into the ground.
"I'm melting, I'm melting!" Dr. Phil shrieked, "Oh what a world!"
And with that, he died.
Achilles wasn't so sure. "I don't know about you guys, but that just seemed a bit too easy..."
Meanwhile, Menelaus got his wife again and pwnz her new husband with Ajax (Paris got pwnz by someone else by the Arrow of Hercules. Pfft, dumbass). He ask Helen to stop buying stuff from his Wells Fargo account and she agreed. And so, they ran off together, spraying Ajax and yelling the entire Trojan army to pieces (he tapped this ability after birth) then they took Odyssus's boat, which pissed him off.
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?
The Final Actual Final Showdown!!![edit | edit source]
Haha! Just kidding. There is no Final Actual Final Showdown. Kinda like John Travolta. Kinda like the cloud of dread that prevails to this day that someone not only read the L. Ron Hubbard books, but that someone actually spent money on producing a movie based on the crappy novel Battlefield Earth.
Greeks 10 Trojans 9. Greeks go on to play in the world's first Ancient Football World Cup in 777BC.
Achilles: Surely, you can't be serious?!
Odysseus: I am serious... and my name's not Shirley.
The End[edit | edit source]
Morpheus: Hey, what about me?!
Everyone (including the Gods): Who gives a fuck about you!?