Tracey Ullman
“Fuck her.”
“What a cunt.”
“Eat me.”
Tracey 'Sybil' Ullman (born December 30, 1987), also known as Osama bin Ullman, was born and raised in Afghanistan, where she trained as an enemy combatant. It was during this time that she would master the fine art of terrorizing the American public, including poor innocent celebrities. At some point she moved to Britain and picked up enough English to get by.
Career[edit | edit source]
In the early 80s, Ullman pretended to be singer/songwriter Kirsty MacColl, a woman she would later drown in order to keep that chapter of her career a secret. She actually released a hit album, "You Smelled My Farts in 17 Places". She also released another album which nobody cared about.
Around this time, she noticed her knack for fooling the public into believing that she was British, (even though she didn't have bad English teef), and decided to give acting a try. She hooked up with comediennes Jennifer Saunders, Dawn French, and Ruby Wax, in the short lived BBC comedy series, "Girls on Pot". Tracey was the only hot one of the bunch, and stood out amongst the others. The girls got jealous and killed off Tracey's character, forcing her to leave.
Out of a job, Tracey decided to a spawn with an octogenarian tv producer. She named the baby Mabel. Mabel would go onto become institutionalized after years of being the butt of her mother's jokes and the subject of her mother's incessant stories on television. Tracey was the original Kathy Lee Gifford.
Around this time, Tracey got sick of the Brits, and after a stint at trying to blow up Parliament, she was forced to emigrate to the United States to avoid doing time in the Tower of London. It was in America that she would gain iconic status and piss off as many minorities as possible.
"The Tracey Ullman Show", a sketch show, debuted in 1987. Tracey would do a bazillion characters, sing and dance, (pharmacist, Paula Abdul, provided choreography for the series), and do all kinds of crazy shit, which got on her co-stars' nerves. These co-stars retaliated by threatening to walk if the producers didn't give them a spot in the show without Tracey. Tracey would lock the cast in their dressing rooms and pretend to be them just so she could get more airtime. Since they were nobodies, a shitty compromise was made: they would be given crappy cartoon shorts in which they would supply the voices for and get paid an extra $10 a week for doing so. These shorts would air in and out of commercial breaks. This cartoon would be based on the love affair between Orenthal James, and Wallace Simpson. After 17 years, the public got tired of Ullman, and decided that they wanted to see more of the cartoons and less of her ass. The joke was on Tracey! Soon there became no need for the ex-British skank. A spin-off show was created just for the cartoon characters. This show was simply called, "The Simpsons". Being a cunt, Tracey decided to sue. She lost the case and the public told her to, "Go home, and fuck off!" Ullman was out of a job again.
Barely making ends meet, Tracey was reduced to taking acting jobs in some really bad films including "I Hate You To Death: The Tracey Ullman Story".
Pretty soon, Tracey was forced into seclusion.
Ten years went by, and Tracey and her husband were hard up for cash. Tracey's husband could no longer afford adult diapers, and she was forced to go back to work.
"Tracey Takes off", a new sketch comedy, was bought by HOBO. Tracey again played multiple characters. HMO gave her the freedom to make fun of the crippled, the blind, and the homosexualists. The series had multiple guest stars, although the most famous one was Tracey's prominent camel toe. Miss Toe, appeared in almost every episode to the delight of fish-fingered lesbians everywhere. After four seasons, Tracey and her toe left the HOMO network.
She next tried her hand at some odd jobs, including playing a woman who puts a bottle in her cooch, in John Waters' "A Dirty Movie".
Happy being out of the limelight, Tracey settled down and began waiting for euthanasia to come calling.
Stint in Guantanamo[edit | edit source]
In 2005, Tracey was stopped at LAX, and arrested for impersonating a black Asian airport security woman.
Three years went by, and Tracey went back to her roots reading the Quaran and growing a beard. Suddenly, she got the idea of telling the CIA that she was actually Jewish and could not possibly be a dirty Muslim terrorist. Ullman broke into a bunch of Yiddish gibberish, and they granted her release.
Scared to death of being sent back to Afghanistan, or even worse, Britain, Tracey decided to start the process of getting American citizenship. She was sworn in and decided to go back to television to seek vengeance on the country that threw her into a concentration camp. She was out for blood.
This time she passed on doing a show for the HOMO network and went to Showtime, a network with an even bigger homosexualist agenda. Ullman kept tabs on all the Hollywood elite that pissed her off.
Tracey's hatred for trout face, Renée Zellweger, caused a public feud between the two stars. She continued to impersonate the blowfish for three years in her show, "Tracey Ullman's State of America".
Today[edit | edit source]
After thirty odd years in the US, Tracey became the Chancellor of Germany. Her children no longer speak to her.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- The Comedy Portal