Toronto
“WATCH OUT, BASTARDS, BEFORE I SEND YOUSE CAREENIN' HALFWAY ALONG THE 401!!!”
Toronto, AKA York, Pollutionvile, Thecitythatisinontario, and Road Rageford, is the capital and largest city in Canada, as that is where all the immigrants, migrant workers, and slave labourers in the financial industry are sent to toil. It is also home to Rash, and the headquarters of ALL Canadian corporations, including BCHydro, Lululemon, Vancity, 1-800-GOT-JUNK?, and the Vancouver and Victoria Police Departments. The Toronto skyline is painted with Dr. Seuss buildings, airplanes, and the CM (Cory Mcoh) Tower. The City Charter of Toronto mandates that Toronto's mayor be an obese crackhead.
The Name "Toronto"[edit | edit source]
The name Toronto comes from an extinct aboriginal language (Mohawk, tkaronto, (name of a channel between Lakes Simcoe and Couchiching)). This language has become extinct because Europeans came over on wooden ships and 'traded' the land for some blankets infected with small pox and some whiskey (just for clarification, the whiskey was single malt and not infected with small pox. Wanted to be clear about that).
"Toronto" means "meeting place"—for hookers, drug dealers, and communist pinkos who vote for the NDP.
Toronto is also known as "Clown Town" for the residents who reside there, but it is most aptly referred to as "The Centre of the Universe" as Toronto residents really think everything revolves around them and their much vaunted city.
Another name that some Canadians have given the city is "Moronto", for obvious reasons.
After LeBron James' demolition of the Toronto Raptors, the city was officially renamed "LeBronto".
Takeover by Alien Overlords[edit | edit source]
On July 1st, 1965, aliens were orbiting the Earth and looking for the perfect site to start their colonization plans. Their requirements included finding a submissive population that would make good slaves and a cold climate that would be suitable for their master lizard race.
Toronto seemed as good a place as any ,so they landed their alien ship, slapped a sign on it, and called it "City Hall". No one really seemed to notice, and they promptly infiltrated the local government. Many important Canadians immigrated to Toronto on this ship, including Stephen Harper (lizard concubine to the Queen), Mel Lastman (who went into deep cover so he could be a "NOOOOOOOOO-body"), and a genetically modified ape playfully nicknamed Rob Ford.
Toronto and Canadian style weather[edit | edit source]
Toronto has found itself as the butt of many jokes, but nothing is more unlikely as the fact that this, the self-proclaimed greatest Canadian city, cannot deal with Canadian Weather. Minor snowstorms are met with much angst, panic and ostrich maneuvering (i.e.: put head in ground) that is laughable by Canadian standards. Sadly, in the winter of 1999, the people of Toronto called out the military. Four hundred soldiers, backed by armoured vehicles, took up posts in Canada's largest city, ready to help get the crippled metropolis moving again. Maybe people just didn't have shovels, maybe they just didn't know what the white stuff was. Only they will know, as other Canadians just did not and still do not understand.
Alas, the people in The Centre of the Universe, the prime, the best of Canada were lost. Toronto's mayor, Mel Lastman,(When confronted about this he asked, who can deal with snow better than me? NOOOOOOOOOOObody!) made the plea. Lastman has pleaded with businesses to tell their employees to stay home and give the crews a fighting chance against the 80 centimetres of snow that have fallen in recent days. Seems city employees could not keep up, (no surprise there!) Even the head of the Toronto Transit Commission, David Gunn says transit users should "Stay home. If it's snowing, I would stay home. That's my best advice." It's advice that now in 2011 has Torontonians on Snow alert autopilot. See snow, ... hide. Statements from Other Canadians: Carl from Saskatoon " hahahahahahahahah....", Meg from St'Johns "wimps", Mark from Winnipeg "many expletives and laughing followed by "damn thin-blooded weaklings" , and finally Ngyuen from Vancouver "snow? Ry you no call?" The legend now created in 1999 lives on. In the winter of 2010 an anticipated threat of a marginal snowfall had the City shut down most services, including schools and businesses. Only this time and quite humourously to have the storm veer wide of TO and virtually no snow falling! The army was put on alert, but being overtaxed by actual things to do, ie: Afghanistan, they were not available. Which leads the writer to wonder, what would Toronto have done if the storm had actually hit? Would Toronto survive? Would its populace just close their collective doors, shutter their windows and call it quits till spring? One thing is certain knowing the weather in Canada, one day we will find out.
Toronto Transit Communaire[edit | edit source]
Getting around in Toronto is very easy for visitors. Toronto has a state of the art transit system that utilizes the most modern of technology. The TTC is headed up by the ghost of Karl Marx and has a dedicated and hard working labour force.
Really, the TTC is a group of losers from places like the Soviet Onion who don't care. They're happy as long as they get paid. They like to sleep on the job. Sometimes it is like they are trying to be useless. (Got to go - I'll edit this later. I've got bassoon lessons with my Lithuanian teacher Chovski)
In 2010 the TTC faced bankruptcy, because too many employees had fallen asleep at work and people had stopped putting their fares into the box on a voluntary basis. The fact that fares had increased by 1000% in the last two years because TTC employees demanded a day spa and Craftmatic beds in their lunchrooms may also have been a contributing factor to the TTC's financial woes.
Rip Van Winkle, TTC's employee of the month was quoted as saying "I fully expected that some people would not pay their fare, and I was okay with some of them getting a free ride, after all, I am getting a free pay cheque".
In an effort to improve TTC efficiency alien overlord Rob Ford decided to bust up the union and hire the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz to run the transit system and deliver disgruntled union members to the witch's castle known as Buckingham Palace. Even so the Yonge line is always overcrowded, at noon it is sardines, at 9pm it is sardines, on Sunday afternoon it is sardines. Don't even try to take the #36 bus during rush hour unless you want to rub shoulders with a zillion Crips and Bloods from Jane and Finch or Rexxxdale.
Toronto Traffic Jam[edit | edit source]
Toronto is full of zombies that like to circle endlessly around the city creating crazy traffic jams. Whenever there is daylight the 401 is congested, the Don Valley Parking Lot is congested, the Allen Road that vanishes at Eglinton is congested, the Gardiner Lake Shore and QEW is congested, the Four Oh Four is congested, the Four Hundred is congested, and the Four Two Seven is congested. Oh, and the 403 is congested, the 410 is congested, the 409 is congested, and the Four Oh Seven costs a million dollars a km to use and is exclusively reserved for the use of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. Nevertheless, experts predict that it, too, will one day become congested - if only out of embarrassment at being the only uncongested highway in the area.
Toronto Condo Prices Are Too High[edit | edit source]
Toronto Condos cost a zillion dollars. In York-Ville you need to sell your kidney to buy one. If you want a house either make a zillion dollars or torture yourself for the rest of your life driving on the "Don Valley Parking Lot", the "Gardiner Parking Lot" or "Collector Express Hell (aka Four Oh One)" to Nuclear Power Plant Land (Pickering), Flower Town (Bramptonia), Steeltown (Hamiltonia) or Government Motors Land (Oshawa).
It is worth noting, however, that Toronto condos deliver extra value in terms of falling glass (usually from glassed-in balconies, which are cheaper and less sturdy than those with concrete/cement or metal rails and facings). In addition, condo owners in Toronto have recently discovered, thanks to articles in the CBC and the Toronto Star that their condos offer opportunities to spend further money beyond their bloated initial purchase price - many of these condos were sheathed in inferior quality glass the seals of which will fail, reducing their insulation value and causing water damage. Repair costs are estimated to be in the millions of dollars per building. The extra heating costs occasioned by the poor insulation values will be, according to experts on building envelopes, "fucking unreal".
Toronto Government[edit | edit source]
Every four years Toronto holds the a contest for Emperor. Known as the Polar Bear Swim, candidates for Emperor jump into the freezing cold waters of Lake Ontario. Whoever can stay in the water the longest becomes the new Emperor. This explains the tenure of many of the Emperors who did not actually do anything as they were really frozen corpses that were crazy-glued in the Emperor's throne. Their often quizzical gazes, sometimes mistaken for deep thought, were actually caused by their eyelids being glued open.
Toronto has been known widely for more then a few colourfullpoliticians. Mel Lastman was a real brainiac, a man of many words, funny stupid words.
"What the hell would I want to go to a place like Mombasa for?...I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."Said in June 2001, before Lastman's trip to Kenya to support Toronto's 2008 Olympics bid. During the SARS breakout the World Health Organization put a travel advisory for Toronto. Poor Mel had no clue what this organization was and stated "They don't know what they're talking about. I don't know who this group is. I never heard of them before. I'd never seen them before," It could be said that Mr Lastman was "not too smart" even "a moron", some would characterize him as say "dumb as F&*k". But no matter what one thinks of Mel a dimmer shabbier truth is that Torontonians actually Voted him into office Nuff said.
Toronto Neighbourhoods[edit | edit source]
| Regent Park | If you are into action movies and police dramas this is definitely the neighbourhood to visit to be a part of such drama. Here you can get mugged, chased, stabbed and even shot. |
| St. Jamestown | Looking for some drugs? If you are looking for the hardcore variety this is the place to visit. With a crack whore on every corner, it is Toronto's largest outdoor dispensary. |
| Chinatown | If you like the smell of rotting fruit and vegetables sitting out on the sidewalk on a hot summer's day then this is the place to go. |
| Rosedale | The overlords of all the slaves and corporate whores live in this neighbourhood which is characterized by its 20 foot concrete wall and gatehouses. This is also the neighbourhood where 90% of the Toronto Mounties are deployed. |
| Jane and Finch | Where gangbangers kill each other |
| Little Italy | AKA the boot. If you need to find someone to get rid of an annoying spouse or person in your life and have a few beaver pelts, this is the place to go. |
| Church Street | Formerly known as Sodom & Gomorrah. |
| Driftwood Court | The Ghetto. This place is so Ghetto the entire neighbourhood shares one bike, has kids with guns, drugs, shootings, and parties that last from 8:00pm-8:00am. |
| Scarborough | "East Side." Home to a very diverse population. Gangstas on welfare, immigrants, Canadian Geese, etc. all live near one another. Rape and muggings occur on a frequent basis. Smart, nice and beautiful teen girls get fingered consensually in libraries here as well. |
| Pickering | Not a real neighbourhood, but "The Staten Island of Toronto"... Or the Canadian Chernobyl. |
| Parkdale | Crazy homeless people will yell at you. A quintillion blackflies called midges coming off the lake will hit you directly in the face. Buses will not stop to let you on no matter what. |
