Things Invented By Italians
The Italians are an industrious, sneaky, and self-loathing people. They have been known to not only create great things, but also to claim to have created things, that were around well before them. (See spaghetti) Nearly all of the great things invented by Italians are in fact not great, but some of the most loathed creations in human history. The following list, while not being entirely comprehensive, touches on some of the more finer points of Italian igenuity.
The Roman Empire[edit | edit source]
Rome, for the Italians greatest empire in the world, for everyone else a bit of buzz-kill. At first known for a large pantheon of gods, which were Greek gods with Latin names. Wild orgies of sex and violence and burning Christians was the norm until The emperor decided everyone was Catholic.
The Pope[edit | edit source]
See The Pope well, most of them at least. Although the current Pope is German, his heart is made of a pure Italian. Not only has he changed the 1,000 year Papal tailor to Versace, he has also mandated to us that we will go to hell for polluting the Earth, driving irrationally, and indifference to people of other religions.
Mafia[edit | edit source]
The mafia are a prime export of Sicily, major collaborators in some of the greatest of Italian inventions. If it wasn't for the Mafia we wouldn't have nearly half of the items on this list, including the list itself. The mafia have contributed greatly to all societies especially with their creation of the Loan Shark whose prime purpose is to thwart the IOU, a Scottish invention
Las Vegas[edit | edit source]
A fantastic little town, in the desert, where you can:
A. Lose all your money
B. Contract an STD
C. Get married to a complete stranger by Elvis
D. Borrow massive amounts of money by a Loan Shark, lose it all again and have your legs broken.
E. All of the above, in one night.
Atlantic City[edit | edit source]
The original sin city on the shore. Very much the same as Las Vegas, except,
You WILL lose all your money
You WILL get an std,
You Will get married but TO Elvis,
You WILL borrow money from a Loan Shark but, he will kill you as opposed to maiming you
Fascism[edit | edit source]
See Benito Mussolini, The leader of The Fascist party of Italy, and bearer of small pointy hats. A prime example of Italian irrationality, in which Fascists, command others with uptight political policies of control though fear and really early curfews, which totally go against the Italian norm of just hanging around coffee shops, and smoking.
Cagliostro[edit | edit source]
A fantastic forger, mystic, adventurer, and presumed immortal. A known friend of Casanova and Oscar Wilde. Was locked in a room by the Aristocracy for lying, where he died about a month later. Presumably he was an immortal.
Hell[edit | edit source]
Hell, as in: Dante's Inferno, eternal damnation, and the lake of fire. A fiery revolting place where the souls of sinners go after death. Contrary to popular belief, after one dies, if they go to Hell, they do not get to partake in their favorite sins, for all eternity. In fact it is quite the opposite. An example of what goes in would be: During life, Luigi would get his rocks off daily peeping on women when they changed, after he dies he will go to hell, where he will be he will eternally undress with 3,00 goblins standing, way to close as they gawk, as opposed to outside the window, as Luigi did in life. Not exactly what Luigi had in mind for himself, now is it? Nowadays, if you want hell, just go to the Jersey Shore.
The Radio[edit | edit source]
Ennio Marconi invents the radio, and still to this day there isn't anything worth listening to on it.
Tiber River[edit | edit source]
One of the world's most polluted rivers, Italian immigrants to New York attempted to recreate this with the River Hudson, and most of New Jersey. Daily rituals of Roman life involve the Tiber, for it is a terrific place not only to dump garbage and bury the dead. During the Roman Empire it held the honor of being the world's finest public latrine.
American Drug Trade[edit | edit source]
The creation of the American drug trade in the late 1970's and early 1980's is generally misconceived to have been a large money making enterprise. Indeed it was but, it came about as an answer to the horrible Italian-made fashion styles of the Disco and 1980's soft rock movements as a way to justify the previous season's clothing trends. The trade boomed to new heights with designer drugs such as Iron Penguin, and the revitalization of ancient Roman Kitten Huffing techniques. Through the correlation of the Italian fashion/drug trade theory; One could easily understand why the early 1990's clothing choices were awash with neon Bike shorts and tie-dye.
Roadways[edit | edit source]
The Romans invented the road. They only built straight roads and avoided mountains and hills, due to the curves. Naturally many centuries later this would cause concern with the invention of Ferrari and Lamborghini. Roads may have been invented by the Italians, but driving courtesy was not. As mentioned earlier the Pope mandated, "Thou shalt drive with courtesy, lest ye be cast to hell." Which primarily sums up the truth to the Italian population's eternal damnation.
Religious Intolerance[edit | edit source]
The prime spectator sports in the Roman Empire, usually involved some type of death. Always the one to die during this time were early Christians, Jews, or anyone the Emperor didn't like. For awhile the big one to watch was, tarring and feathering which ended with a pretty light show, which was the guilty part, being lit ablaze. Then came Crucifixion, which really stole the show, people would actually travel to see this one, and even on some occasions, the show would come to you! Crucifixion had such a major effect on history we still have glorious statues and pictures of one of the most well documented cases. That wasn't all went it came to Roman sport, however the number one spectator sport of all time was feeding Christians to lions.
New Jersey[edit | edit source]
In the late 1800's to the early 1900's some 50 million Italians left Italy for Brooklyn and The Bronx. Upon arriving they realized there wasn't enough room, so they looked south over the lovely (and at that time pure) Hudson River to New Jersey. Upon which they noticed only a handful of bears and three or four people lived there. They quickly swooped down into the Garden State killing the handful of bears and people conquering it within a fortnight. Soon after they developed the land with delicatessens (for hoagies and wine) Pizza places (for pizza, hoagies, and wine) and Bars (for wine.)
In between the Delis, Pizzerias, and Ristoranti, they built houses and saw that it was good, and soon after completion, people drove "en masse" to move into the state, bought up what was possible for high market value prices, in which all the Italians accepted, only to go back to Italy where they lived out their days hanging around coffee shops and smoking.
Snow Tires[edit | edit source]
Very, very simple. Deago through rain, Deago through snow, but when they Deago flat, Deago Whop Whop Whop.