Thilo the Ninja Pirate
“I don't get it... So is he a ninja or a pirate?”
“In Soviet Russia, pirate ninja you!”
“He's a stupid piece of shit and I hope he dies!”
Thilo the Ninja Pirate is the owner of one of the best known Maddox knockoffs, The Second Best Page in the Universe. His knockoff is known for its political satire and vague references to being a ninja pirate, which has been the topic of debate amongst many fans of his.
Conception[edit | edit source]
Thilo, despite common opinion, was actually conceived by a robot and a vacuum from Colorado Springs, Colorado. Though he appears as a normal human, his insides are actually a combination of the typical circuitry one would expect to find in a robot, and a acummulative mass of dirt, dog hair, and Fruit Loops. His use of the monicker "The Ninja Pirate" actually originates from his uncanny natural affinity to the skills of both trades, however he had no formal training as neither a pirate nor a ninja. Though he did once spend a month attending knitting classes.
Early life[edit | edit source]
He spent most of his childhood honing his ninja and pirate skills. In the playground he quickly became known as the King of the Jungle Gym, after his legendary assault against the fifth graders with his armada of kindergartners and special education students. Teachers praised his class work, saying he had above average skills in all of the basic classes. However, his art teacher once noted that he had taken up a habit of raiding the art department for rubber cement and glue. Once he entered the third grade, Mama Robot and Papa Vacuum held an intermission for their son's addiction.
Parents' Death[edit | edit source]
Moments after the intermission, police arrived at the family's house to find Thilo's parents torn to shreds, and then reassembled with rubber cement and glue. The young ninja pirate was at bedside with his parents in the community hospital, though one nurse suspected he was only attracted to the mass amounts of rubber cement and glue.
Once the police decided they had no leads on who killed the parents, they closed the case. Unfortunately, during a five hour binge at a local Dunk n' Donuts, they lost the file on Thilo, so that he quickly slipped from their mind, leaving him to fend for hiself.
Teen Life[edit | edit source]
Thilo began living in the wild forests surrounding Colorado Springs. He wore loincloths and a hat made out of pineneedles and moose antlers, which were acquired when he killed a group of tourists from Canada and their pet moose. He lived off of local wildlife, including deer, racoons, hippies (indigenous to Colorado Springs' neighbor, Manitou Springs), and tourists who thought they could navigate the forests of Colorado on their own, but were unfortunately wrong and left at the disposal of the predatorial ninja pirate.
But on a Halloween night, Thilo decided to relive childhood memories of shin breaking and candy stealing, and so he strode into a small neighborhood alive with fat kids at play. While there, a dozen teenagers confronted him, challenging him to a test of strength. But the ever resilient Thilo proved his might -- he struck down the leader of the pack, before chasing around the rest with his head bent, mimmicking the moose whose horns he kept as a trophy.
Once Thilo had his fun, the remaining four-and-a-half teenagers invited him to one of their parents' house. At the house, after taking turns on a joint of marijuana,the teenagers and Thilo gathered around the computer, where the teenagers introduced the ninja pirate to The Best Page in the Universe.
Thilo's Two Ms[edit | edit source]
Those teenagers introduced Thilo to what he quickly considered his two greatest pleasures: Maddox and Marijuana. Or, Thilo's Two Ms. So he decided to murder the teenagers and their parents, leaving the home without an owner. Feeling pity for the orphaned three story, six bedroom and four bathroom house, Thilo took it in as his own, along with all of the posessions of its previous owner, abandoning his life as a wildman.
With all the time in the world at his disposal, Thilo spent hours upon hours in front of the computer, taking hits of marijuana from a bong he fashioned from the skull of one of the teenagers in between articles of Maddox he read. Each one he read made him more and more engrossed. Soon, he had finished every single article, read every single hidden page, and emailed Maddox five-thousand times, each time adopting a more annoying persona. The better to please his hero, was the thinking.
But there was simply not enough of the two Ms to sustain him. Out of desparation, Thilo returned to Manitou Springs to raid and plunder every single house. The results were fruitful, for every home in Manitou produced at least a dozen pounds of marijuana, though the closer he got to the high school, the more marijuana he found.
His marijuana stocks replenished, Thilo returned home. But without anything but marijuana to fill his time, Thilo quickly fell victim to an overdose. In the hospital, he racked his brain for things to do. There was not enough Maddox to keep him sane -- he needed more of the same style of pop cultural satire, lest he would go insane.
Just when he thought there was no hope, an idea sprang to mind: The Second Best Page in the Universe.
Creating Gold[edit | edit source]
With the inspiration of his two Ms, Thilo went about creating The Second Best Page in the Universe, centered around his stoner, ninja pirate persona, along with the time he served as a waiter, but that was not important enough to mention until now.
Thilo's website rocketed to success, being featured on such websites as The Best Fan Page in the Universe, and others we are not sure exist. By this time Thilo had learned to calm down, in order to more appropriately dipose of the retardation infesting his inbox.
To this day Thilo still writes sporradically for his website, though his latest article on the Large Hadron Collider was never published on his website, due to the world ending days before he could.