The shits

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Keep pushing son.

The shits is the phenomenon that people experience when they witness paranormal events, go to the IRS, or other stressful matters. Symptoms include a huge wet spot appearing on the bottom of your pants, a horrible smell, and loud noises exiting your anus.

In the later stages, there is a smelly brown wet mess in your pants. Your friends won't allow you to be with them after this has happened, thus causing a stigma to be associated with this human function. The only cure for the shits is clean pants, deodorant, a shower and isolation from what caused the shits to happen.

The shits are the inverse of the condition of constipation and usually involves far less pain. They are also very often accompanied by high levels of unreliable flatulence.

Causes of the shits[edit]

Large quantities of milk and cheese, spotting something that the US Government has not approved for public viewing, such as a flying saucer, aliens, or Bigfoot, going to the IRS, eating poo, eating other peoples dinner and PE.

Symptoms[edit]

Wet pants, brown discharge, horrid smell, wet sounding noises coming out of the affected person's ass, the presence of shit in your pants, extremely sudden weight loss.

Cures[edit]

OH DEAR GOD IT BURNS.

Clean pants and underwear, shitting, deodorant, shower and temporary isolation from what caused the shits to happen. A extreme cure is to sew the person's bottom shut or shove kittens and puppies up their anus. This however should not be done with a kitten that you later intend to huff, as an inadvertent Dirty Sanchez may occur.

Unlike cures for hot chili peppers, eating things like petroleum jelly will not cure the shits. In fact, they may cause more of the shits.

Explosive Diarrhoea[edit]

Explosive diarrhoea is the medical term for a really bad case of the shits where wet shit flies out of your asshole with explosive projectile force. It has been known to cause shit water to splash up from the toilet onto you or into your mouth which should be avoided. In some cases, this shit may crack the toilet pan, spraying shit all over the place. Current world leaders have promised that in the future most citizens will not be able to afford to take a shit, and so the terrorism of explosive diarrhoea will soon be eradicated from the planet.

Implosive Diarrhoea[edit]

The exact opposite of explosive diarrhoea, implosive diarrhoea occurs when you get the shits near the event horizon of a black hole. During this (unlikely) occurrence, the wet shit implodes, then collapses into itself, forming a quantum shit singularity. This smelly object is said to contain zero volume, a helluva lot of gravity, and of course an extremely dense shit. Other known causes of implosive diarrhoea are getting Rickrolled twice in one day, as well as swallowing Grubble Gum. Victims of implosive diarrhoea are usually pulled into the black hole, along with everything else within the smelling horizon of the original shit.

This is not to be confused with an asplosion caused by something other than the shits.

See also[edit]

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