UnNews:Zombie attacks man on British Airways flight
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19 March 2007
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LONDON, UK -- A passenger in first class woke up to a shock when he found himself being attacked by a scary zombie on a British Airways flight, newspapers reported on Monday. Paul Atredis, 154, said one brave cabin crew member tried to cut its head off with a plastic knife but had her throat bitten out.
"Obviously if this had happened before 9/11 then the cabin crew would have had their standard issue box cutters which may have nipped the situation in the bud. But since no blades are allowed on flights these days we had no means of defence against zombie attack", BA spokeswoman Gary Soneji said this morning, "this incident highlights the need for more anti-zombie marshalls on long flights."
Atredis, an international spy, was quoted as saying. "It was horrific. The zombie just kept on coming, just like in the movies!" The zombie was eventually subdued by other passengers and had its arms and legs pulled off so it could not cause any more trouble.
The incident comes just weeks after an American Airlines flight was forced to crash land after two werewolves ripped the guts out of and ate business man Harold Loinpress. Due to post 9/11 rules there were no silver swords or axes aboard. A passenger spokesman was quick to express his anger this morning "how many more paying airline passengers are going to have to be torn apart by undead creatures before this Government does something about it!" he screamed hysterically.
British Airways has apologised for any distress suffered, according to the reports. The Mirror quoted BA as saying: "We apologise, and continue to try to empower our crew to be increasingly adept at dealing with creatures of the night in a swift, safe fashion."In its statement BA continued to defend its record with dealing with supernatural crisis, "Only last year an invasion of Alien Body Snatchers were thwarted during a flight to Zurich. I am surprised at the lack of column inches THAT incident supplied! this is nothing compared to the vampires on the caribean cruise in of 89"
The zombie in question was arrested and summarily decapitated after the flight landed.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- LOVELY JUICY "BRAINS!" brains, march 19, 2007