The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is one of Czechoslovakia's favorite American pastimes. In fact, it's Czechoslovakia's only American pastime, this is, however, completely irrelevant. The object of the game is quite simple, you must Keep Your Finger In The Box for as long as possible, or until your opponent removes his/her finger. You can do whatever else you want during this time, but your finger must remain in the box at all times. The first one to remove their finger from the box loses, and is from then on referred to as a loser for the rest of their Keep Your Finger In The Box Game career.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game sounds simple, but in reality, it's one of the most complex games still being played today.
- Before starting the game, make sure you have what you need (e.g., box, a bottle to pee in).
- You do have a finger, don't you?
- Now, place your finger in the box.
- Leave your finger in the box.
- Do not take your finger out of the box.
- Stop thinking about taking your finger out of the box; if you do, you'll lose.
- Check to make sure your finger is still placed in the box.
- Think to yourself, "Is it really worth it?" And then answer, "Yes, of course it is."
- Keep a close watch on the other player's finger to make sure it is indeed still in the box.
- Do not take your finger out of the box.
- If you feel the need, pee in your pee bottle.
- Do not think pessimistically; The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game usually doesn't last forever.
- Do not stop waiting until your opponent's finger has exited the box.
- Why are you still thinking about taking your finger out of the box?! STOP IT!!
- Now apologize.
- Continue waiting.
- Wait some more.
- Keeeeep waiting...
- Repeat all above steps until either the other player takes his finger out of the box and loses like a loser or the universe collapses in on itself and the game ends by default.
The Directions for The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game are used only as a rough guidelines for the game's play. They do not explore the other, less fair techniques and strategies. As stated before, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is very complex; indeed, there are dozens of techniques and strategies employed by gamers around the world that are meant to test the strength and courage of their opponents, and possibly their cognitive abilities as well. A list of said techniques and strategies follows:
- Try staring at your opponent until he/she explodes.
- Make extremely annoying noises with your mouth and/or other parts of your body.
- If your opponent happens to be afflicted with OCD, remind him/her of how many other peoples' fingers have been in that box, and then threaten to touch him/her.
- Spit into your opponent's side of the box, or in their face.
- Locate a sizeable square of aluminum foil and start chewing on it.
- Assault your opponent relentlessly with 'Your Mom!' jokes.
- Start muttering incomprehensibly, and then refuse to answer when your opponent asks, "What?"
- Offer your opponent something that would require both of his/her hands to receive.
- Hire a hooker to seduce your opponent. (Note: This is a risky strategy; make sure you yourself do not get seduced instead.)
- Rub a cat in your opponent's face.
- Cut off one of your fingers and leave it in the box. Then go off and do whatever you want, but make sure that you are able to determine whether or not your opponent's fingers are still in the box.
- Toss your pee bottle at your opponent.
- Invite your Uncle over to share Vietnam War stories.
- If your opponent is afraid of water, throw water at them.
- Take the box. (Note: this is risky because the opponent may tell his mother)
- Set your opponent's side of the box on fire (Note: this is risky because the fire may spread to your side).
And so on. For a complete list of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game strategies, buy the recently-published book, A Complete List of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game Strategies.
As far as can be determined, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has been around for many centuries. It is believed that the game was invented by Leonardo Da Vinci, sometime in the late 1400s. However, most people believe it was actually Sir Gareth Steadyfingers of Wye who originally came up with the idea. The game has not changed significantly over the centuries; the only major enhancement was the switch from wood to titanium in 1956. This switch came when it was announced that The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game was to be introduced to the United States, and therefore subject to increased gorilla activity. Now, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is popular in nearly 150 countries worldwide, and even has its own international championship tournament.
In his science fiction book Dune, Frank Herbert suggested that the future prophet and God emperor of humanity and the universe will determined by a group of women testing people with a particularly sadistic game of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game, using the always controversial "make opponent believe his side of the box is on fire using mind powers" technique. No, seriously, that is really how they do it. Only a true champion of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game would have the box-keeping- your-finger-inishness required to rule. This system of government is known as The Keep Your Finger In The Box Gameocracy. Unfortunately, this system of government, while enlightened and superior to our own, has never been attempted in the real world. This is due to most people getting bored reading Dune, as it is quite long, has a lot of big words and all those sequels look intimidating. Instead, they tend to try and watch the movie (you know, the one with Sting) but the special effects look dated now so most just doze off. After that, the only option is to lie and pretend you read the book to seem clever, or watch that God awful mini series that came out a few years back, and it just isn't worth it, believe me! So until they do a decent remake, we will be stuck with boring old democracy.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship Tournament has been held every 57 years since the first tournament in 1843. Many compare The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships to the Olympics, while others compare it to the Scrabble International Title Finals. Just like the Scrabble International Title Finals, The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships are aired on ESPN every year, despite viewers' complaints that watching reruns of previous World Championships is the only thing more boring than watching a brand new The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game match.
The 1843 World Championships for The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game were held in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The competitors were two of the best players ever known to the game, Johnny "Six-Fingers" Jones and Will. It was a fierce battle that took 21 years. Combined, both competitors had only 36 minutes of sleep, and drank only 3 gallons of water. Sadly, it ended in Johnny "Six-Fingers" Jones' death, caused by a gunshot wound inflicted by Will 15 years earlier. Although it definitely wasn't the longest World Championship The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has ever seen, it may have been the most intense.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championships of 1900 were postponed until 1957 due to extreme boredom shown by the Keep Your Finger In The Box Game community.
The 1957 World Championship was held in my mom's basement, and was a battle between Cat Stevens and an Elvis impersonator. The Elvis impersonator was a strong believer in the spitting technique, which caused Cat Stevens to be pretty grossed out. But not grossed out enough to quit believing, because he knew that spit is a limited resource, and runs out over time. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for the Elvis impersonator, who took home The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game world title of 1957. (Interestingly enough, Cat Stevens hasn't been seen since.)
At some point between 1957 and 2004, all records of the first two or three world championships were burned or shredded or otherwise destroyed and erased from the public consciousness. Because no one remembered the date of the championship of 1957, it was decided that the numbering system should begin again at 2004, when, it was decided, the next tournament would be hosted.
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship of 2004 is currently being held on the moon, between Neil Armstrong and a rock. The rock has been given 2-1 odds by Las Vegas oddsmakers, and is likely to win simply because of the fact that a rock's lifespan is significantly longer than Neil Armstrong's. Be sure to check here often, though, and stay tuned to ESPN for continuing coverage of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game World Championship of 2004.
In May of 2005, Neil Armstrong called for the rock's disqualification on the grounds that "he doesn't have any fingers". Mineral enthusiasts variously responded by referring to Armstrong as "a pussy" who was "unwilling to play by the rules", "a poor sport who will stop at nothing to win," and "a fat, impotent has been who's been reduced to playing with a pebble [sic]." Though compelling arguments were made both for and against the rock's disqualification, it should be noted that no one at any point attempted to explain the missing digits. As of today, the issue remains unresolved and generally uncared about.
In the weeks following the incident, a lawsuit was filed against Armstrong on the grounds of treason and defamation of character. The suit, which was filed anonymously, seeks eight million dollars in compensation and a court order for Armstrong to remove his finger from the box. Armstrong responded by calling his opponent a "dickless son of a bitch", expanding upon his previous claim of missing anatomical components. The rock was unavailable for comment.
In November of 2005, some wise ass came forward with the question, "How can it be a world championship if it's being held on the moon?" The general consensus, of course, was that the aforementioned wise ass should shut the hell up.
Throughout January 2006, there seemed to be a strange series of events circling around The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game, many of them involving elephants and Bill Murray. However, the most strange - or perhaps most disheartening, gruesome, sad, horrible, etc. - was when a series of meteor showers struck the moon, killing all 5 inhabitants. Although both the rock and Neil Armstrong lost their lives, Neil Armstrong's finger remained in the box, and the rock was inanimate anyway. So as the plot thickens, the competition continues.
The first retail-box version of The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game was released by Milton Bradley in 1954. At the formal announcement ceremony, company spokesman Walt Whitman said, "I'm sure that you'll all agree with me when I say that The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game is one of the best games in existence, and truly one of the greatest games ever. So next time you've got about 2 years to spare, and you're looking for something fun to do with your whole family, remember The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game. But don't forget! You've got to Keep Your Finger In The Box."