The Goon
Alright you punks, shut yer traps and lissen up. This here funny page is about a picture book called the Goon, which follows the indecent adventures of a shaved mule who beats up slackjaws, monsters, simpletons, and little sissy boys who don't buy the sponsor's junk. The price fer a copy is one dime, or half a pig's head in layman's terms. The price fer not buying a copy is a pair of broken legs and maybe a pool cue up the arse, depend'n on what mood the Mud Brothers are in. Its made by this Eric Powell guy who's a little harsh on the monkeys, but he's good people.
Characters[edit | edit source]
I guess you can't have a proper comic without bunches of useless glory hogs clutter'n up the joint. Well, here they are.
Goon Dumped by his parents for being so ugly, Goon was raised by a kind hearted gangster Labrazio, who believed in naming children after their occupation. Unfortunatly, Labrazio was crushed to death by an evil circus strong woman named Kizzie. And so, Goon shot Kizzie and took Labrazio's book of people who owed money. After years of pummeling people and things who wanted to be people, Goon gained enough muscles to intimidate an artistic nerd into drawing a comic about him. What? How else do you think all those super hero types got theirs?
Franky The Goon's minature womanizing sidekick who doubles as a projectile weapon. Some have considered this cruel treatment, but Goon says his arm dosen't get tired. When he first met Goon, Franky was a tough, loud mouthed little boy. But thanks to years of Goon's abuse, Franky grew into a cowardly sissy man. Franky has no pupils,making him one of the few characters with physical indication of having no soul. The other characters are just better at hiding their soulessness.
Buzzard Once upon a time, he was the sheriff of a western town, filled with people who despised him. But when they killed Buzzard, he came back as a zombie and ate them all. However, these people didn't believe in soap, so they tasted really nasty, leading Buzzard to only eat other zombies from then on. This made Buzzard one of the most controversial characters in the comic. I mean, its perfectly acceptable for a hideous decaying zombie to maul an attractive teenager with his whole life ahead of him. But a hideous decaying zombie munching on other hideous decaying zombies is just wrong and disturbing.
The Monkey The one, true archnemesis of Goon. In nearly every issue the monkey is brutally punched, shot, stabbed, poisoned, drowned, run over, yet always comes back, healthy, new and ready for more punishment in the next issue.
Rumpelstiltskin Aka, "The namless man", "Zombie Priest", "Preacher", "Commander Creepy", "Anorexic asshole with a cool hat", and other names. A little bug-eyed freak who tends to be mistaken as the main antagonist by idiot readers. He is really just a harmless, reoccuring, goof-villain who only appears because even Eric Powell can't draw 20 pages of non-stop monkey abuse every month. Rumpelstiltskin gets 2 or 3 pages at the end of many issues, and is always easily beaten. He is however, very adept at creating infectous viruses. What? How else did you think he made those massive zombie hordes? Magic?
Lesser Whores[edit | edit source]
Because Eric Powell had to keep himself busy, lest he slip back into his glue sniffing habit again.
Lazlo A dumb gangster zombie who occasionally gives blowjobs to Rumpelstiltskin. Gets shot in the head by Franky who mistook him for Peaches Valentine.
Houstus Grave An ugly farmer who digs up corpses to satisfy Rumplestilskin's Necrophilia. He has two sons who are smarter and prettier than him, but he makes them wear bags over their heads, and beats them whenever they speak coherent sentences.
Dr. Alloy The most educated man in the comic (the only one to finish Middle School), he tries to use his inventions to better the world into a happy utopia of logic and fairness. Naturally, this makes him an object of ridicule and contempt among the ape-brained characters of the comic, and so his ventures always fail.
Willie Nagel A whiney zombie forum troll and con man, who is the only non-arachnid character with the nerve to wear a bowler hat. He is tolerated by the other characters only because he is a Conferderate sympathizer, plus Goon got tired of constantly kicking his undead butt.
Fishey Pete The little brother of Davy Jones, who must stay at home and take care of their giant slutty mother. Lost both hands and feet in a chainsaw juggling contest with Goon.
Peaches Valentine A drooling retard who only exists for two purposes: 1. to play with his own poo, and 2. to get shot in the head by Franky.
Mud Brothers Hey, those legs don't break themselves you know.
The Little Unholy Bastards A popular nickname given to Goon readers.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Eric Powell is noted for having an irreverent attitude towards everything, and will stoop to any low for a buck. Thus, it is only natural that practically every issue of the Goon offends someone somewhere. The only issue that did not generate floods of controversy was Satan's Sodomy Baby, because butt secks is well received in all cultures and religions.
The Goon in pop culture[edit | edit source]
The Goon has made a massive impact on American pop culture, and its not just because of that lead pipe.
- Peter Gabriel's hit single, Shock the Monkey was inspired by The Goon issue #539, which took place in a power plant.
- Eric Powell's famous anti-monkey bias started a fad of other easily abused primape villains, such as Mojojojo, Gorilla Grodd, and King Kong. Monkeys were not given an ounce of respect in pop culture, until the invention of Discworld's Librarian.
- Franky invented the injury-to-the-eye motif, which inspired Fredric Wertham to write Seduction of the Innocent
- Depite having only a minor role, the Goon comic launched Rumpelstiltskin's acting career, allowing him to appear in high profile movies and shows like Shrek Forever After and Fractured Fairy Tales
The Goon Movie[edit | edit source]
A computer-generated adaptation of the comics came up in 2099, directed by Eric Powell's good friend Charlie Noodle. It was the up-coming wet dream of thousands of noticably un-beaten Goon readers. That is, until it turned out to be just 3 hours of Goon beating up critics who predicted the movie would suck. In an interview, Charlie Noodle explained: "Serves 'em right, those lousy uptight critics, with their fancy plot, and character development and visual coherency. We don't need any of that junk"