Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
“Ironic Cheesecakeism is assuredly the most ridiculous, the most absurd and the most bloody religion which has ever infected this world.”
“This article needs more tits”
The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc is an ancient cum-modern religion founded some 20,000 years ago, and recently revived by the teachings and techniques developed by enigmatic and mysterious Australian Gourmet Alchemist Billy Quern sometime around late 2005. The religion is devoted to the worship of the divine, benevolent and infinitely delicious prophet The Baker through a divine twelve-step program of salvation and rebirth through ritualized Cheesecake consumption. The program has attracted much controversy as it involves the delegates and members of the church (The Eggs of God) paying monthly donations and living life in strict accordance with the somewhat bizarre teachings of the prophet Baker and the authoritarian rule of Supreme Culinary Authority and Spiritual Master Billy Quern. Through this intense lifestyle one is said to
"experience such exalted euphoria and utmost satisfaction that your taste buds cannot yet begin to fathom ".
Billy Quern(founder/revivalist of the Church)
The purpose of the church is to help humans achieve ultimate awareness of their spiritual existence across many lifetimes of unfulfilled cheesecakeless agony, while simultaneously becoming much more effective in all duties of the physical world through the constant practice of cheesecake refinement, leading all followers of Cheesecakianism towards the ultimate goal of creating the Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation that will commence the pouring of the final ingredient of existence into the Great Cooking Bowel of the Universe, thus commencing the delicious judgment of Humanity, and the reawakening of the great Baker from his thousand year slumber. The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc is the largest organization promoting the practice of Cake worship in the known spiritual universe.
Founding[edit | edit source]
The foundational document of The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc is The Divine Cookbook of the Baker, a 20,000 year old artifact recently discovered by Australian student and Gourmet Alchemist Billy Quern at 3.42pm on the 24th of November 2005.
Quern quickly set to work translating the book from its completely unknown language, known only as Bakerian, using a golden spatula and silver whisk which were, amazingly, both discovered with the book in Quern's own back shed. The book was published in its current form in March 15th 2000 and it was hailed an immediate success with top critical reviews and mass economic success.
Ever the entrepreneur, Quern was quick to capitalize on this success by releasing a Manifesto, comprising of an in depth interpretation of the Cookbook, and the doctrine of beliefs and practices of the newly establishing The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc. Over the passing months following these initial releases, various other doctrines have been released. The list includes works as sparse as 'Reflections on Sweet Irony', another book written by The Baker some 16,000 years ago, which was amazingly, also found by Church founder Billy Quern, though this time in his ceiling. Also released was the much hyped 'Gospel of Cheesecake', a collaborative effort by Quern and High Chef Byron, and various other Sacred texts written by various theologians of the Cheesecake faith, all available for purchase from the Church’s website, www.COTIC.com.
Upon writing The MotCofIC.Inc, Quern had indeed set the first building blocks , and thus set out to establish the Modern theological belief system that would quickly gather enough followers to become the now established Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc. Gathered from quotations and extracts, The MotCofIC.Inc is arranged in a much similar fashion to that of the Bible, consisting of verses grouped into chapters grouped into books grouped into the MotCofIC.Inc itself. The Manifesto includes a large portion of a chapter of "The Book of Explanations" which recounts how the recipe presiding within the The Divine Cookbook was revealed to The Baker.
According the The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc and all following Cheesecakian and official church documents the Highest prophet, founder and Messiah of the Church is the 20,000 year old Supernatural Chef The Baker. It has been suggested by various Cheesecake theologians and historians, that Billy Quern, the revivalist and founder of the current church is the baker reborn, due to his fulfilling the prophesy of the "rediscovery of the Cookbook", although the prophesy has been interpreted to include the Divine recipe of the Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation, of which's location is still unknown. For this reason Quern would fail to be the true Messiah reborn until he manages to locate this still missing document. This argument for Quern as Messiah reborn has also been refuted by various other Ironically Cheesy Historians, as they have interpreted various verses of the Cookbook as prophesying that the return of the Messiah would herald the Second Baking and the 150 year Judgment of Humanity, which has obviously not as of yet occurred. Also the matron deity of Ironic Cheesecakeism is Sugaria, the Ancient goddess of Cake and biscuits/.
Organization[edit | edit source]
A form of religious structure is indicated in The Divine Cookbook of the Baker which is further Elaborated in terms of a Church Organisation in the The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc. The most general group, presumably including all Cheesecakeians is The Eggs of God, whose place in the Cheesecake hierarchy is of the eternally obedient kitchen hands to the High Chefs of Cakeism. The High Chefs are only answerable to the Seventy Three Ironic Popes, whom are independently elected by the Piemakers guild whom are elected by and presided over by the unchallenged authority of Quern. All decisions regarding the present state and direction of the church are made by Quern, who receives direction directly from Sugaria, via his pineal gland. The Eggs of God make up 93% of the Church's entire spiritual population structure, and are required to meet weekly at the nearest House of Spiritual Baking, or officially blessed kitchen designated solely for the spiritual production of Metasatisfying Cakes in yearning devotion of the Great Prophet. It is required that an ordained Ironic Chef be present and preside over the Baking process at all official Ceremonies, as every fresh Cheesecake must be sprinkled with the Secret Spiritual Sauce, of which the ancient recipe written by the Baker, and resides in the soul possession of the current ruling Alpha Pope. In the original Divine Cookbook, the recipe could be found explained clearly in the third chapter of the second appendix, but was removed before any commercial printings of the book, after various reasons of ominous spiritual danger were cited. The Secret Spiritual Sauce is produced in eight factories on four continents, manned entirely by blind workmen, so that no single person may recount the production process. Once produced the Sauce is shipped to various Global IPopes whom posseseth the responsibility of distributing the Sauce to Community Ironic Chefs who then sprinkle the Sauce over finished Cheesecakes, so they may be spiritually assimilated by all present Cakians. At the conclusion of the ceremony half a cup of the Sauce is handed to each devotee so for the next even days they may bake a Cake at the dawn and dusk of each day and sprinkle each with approximately four drops of the sauce, before returning to the nearest House of Spiritual Baking on the following Wednesday.
Would-be Cheesecakeians, or unofficial followers of the writings of the Baker, who do, or do not form their own sects, whether they belong to someone else's sect or not, according to page 2432 of The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc make up the ""Legion of Dynamic Irony of Cakeism", and may be referred to as Legionnaires. Because of their higher then average status on the hierarchal cake layered column of spiritual existence they are sparred the everlasting lake of sour cream and bad eggs and are judged along with the Eggs of God on the Serving Tray of Destiny but cast down below the Eternal Cooking Bowl of Everlasting Life into the "Fiery Cup of Leftover Icing".
Theological Beliefs[edit | edit source]
The Baker & The Ultimate Cheesecake[edit | edit source]
In 18,467 BC the Baker first determined that he would create the Ultimate Cheesecake after the God passed the recipe written in the now forgotten language of Habyla and the divine hotplate of heaven into the hands of the divine prophet.
In approximately 18,421 The Baker began the creation of the Cake. The Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation took 247 years to construct, and measured 16m tall by 7m wide. Although no eyewitness accounts still exist, it was reputedly very creamy and so irresistibly delicious-looking that it singed the eyeballs of all who viewed it without protective goggles.
When the Ultimate Cheesecake was finally completed, a great disaster befell the earth. Time itself stopped dead, having been so shocked by the gloriousness of the Cheesecake that it forgot to function. This terrible calamity was finally put right with the intervention of the Piemaker’s Guild, an underground secret society of chefs whose supernatural powers of the Pie enabled their agents to work outside of time itself. Although Time was set running again, history itself had been irreparably muddled up and now all of the things that had happened in the 14th century (such as the invention of hydrogen power, oxygen factories, and the evolution of giant psychic flying pies) had now never occurred, a great loss to history as a whole.
At any rate, the Piemaker’s Guild eventually destroyed the Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation, as they deemed it too awesome an entity to continue to exist. For a time The Baker went into hiding and began writing on his first seminal piece, The Divine Cookbook. After a number of centuries of relative success passed, The Baker again went into hiding and began construction on another Cheesecake of Salvation. Little progress had been made on the second before he was ambushed once again by the Guild. Following the altercation which ended in a large fire fight, The Baker was never to be seen again; some written stories suggest that his body and soul were absorbed by the immaterial spirit of the Cheesecake of Salvation, while various theologians have made claim that he still lives in the great underground dungeons of the Piemaker’s Guild, numbed and driven mad by the sheer awesomeness of that which he had created and failed to recreate. The general consensus amongst Cheesecakeians is that the return of The Baker shall directly follow the Second Baking, which shall directly precede the end of written date, whereupon all members of the church whom have donated the required $500, shall be lifted by The Golden Tong and placed upon The Serving Dish of Destiny whereupon all pure Cheesecakians are sprinkled with the Salt of Harmony and whisked away to the Eternal Cooking Bowl of Everlasting Life above the clouds where they shall assimilate with the “Pastry of Infinity”. These such events are described in The Divine Cookbook, in an obscure passage in the final chapter Confessions while Cleansing Saucers LXX: VIIҖ∑-XΩ
VII For this we say unto you by the word of the Baker, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of God shall not precede them which are half-baked. IIX For God himself shall descend from the heavenly bowl with a shout, with the voice of the Archef, and with the spatula of God: and the dead in cake feasting gluttony shall rise first: IX Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds of cream, to meet God in the air: and so shall we ever be with God in the Cooking Bowl of Salvation
This passage has been thus reinterpreted in Quern's Manifesto, where it interpreted as stated that the Baker's return shall commence the Second Baking where a final Cheesecake of Salvation shall be created and in its 150 year baking process all of humanity shall be judged in a a kind of stale creamy purgatory on Earth.
The possibility of the Second Baking occurring, which would invariably result in a second Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation, continues to worry the Piemaker’s Guild, who believe that another Ultimate Cheesecake, may not necessarily be one of Salvation, as prophesized by the Baker, but one of Doom. It is said in The Divine Cookbook, that a false baker would appear in 20 000 years and using the recipe of Salvation. It is prophesized that the Anti-Baker would create a Cheesecake so full of malice and envy that sourness would engulf the Earth for one thousand years. It is believed that this Supernatural Cheesecake could cause the entire universe to implode upon itself in sheer disgust. For many centuries it has been feared that following the coming of the Antibaker, an attempt would be made to steal the Baker's Recipe of Salvation to create the prophesized Cheesecake of Doom. It is for this reason that the guild keep the original Recipe (withdrawn from all printings of the Divine Cookbook) safely locked away in their Underground City of Cream.
The Cheesecake Reform[edit | edit source]
This major event in the world's history when The Baker finally translated The Divine Cookbook. In 18,012 BC, (some century after the creation of the Ultimate Cheesecake) The Baker used the newly bestowed powers of literacy to translate the Ultimate Cheesecake Recipe. Being the first page bound text in history, it was secretly held in the possession of the Baker for some 14 000 years, who lived on a spiritual plane slightly left of our own. Following the disappearance of the Baker simultaneous with the destruction of the Ultimate Cheesecake in the 14th century the book was seemingly lost, before being uncovered by the Piemaker’s Guild some 30 decades later. Following a massive rift in the diarchy of the guild, Chairman, Kind Hubert Raghet split with the guild in the 17th century, taking the Cookbook with him. The Cookbook remained the secret possession of the Raghet House for three generations, until the riot of 1715 in region of Guernica, the locals overthrew the Raghet's whom had become despotic rulers, following the crowning of the Greedy Kind Bob VI. The Castle of the Raghent dynasty was burnt down, and the Cookbook seemed lost to history, until it was miraculously found by Billy Quern in his backyard shed, in late 2005. Unfortunately the original recipe was removed from the book in the 14th century by the Guild. The recipe was a text so dangerous and highly valued that it is thought to still held deep in the heart of the underground city of cream. This place is the still unknown sovereign kingdom of the Piemaker’s Guild, who are holding the Recipe safe so that it does not fall into the wrong hands and destroy the universe, as it so nearly did in 1345. Below is a modern attempt by the High Priest Chefs in the Church to recreate the original Recipe of the Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation, based directly on notes regarding the cheesecake creation which still remain intact within the Divine Cookbook.
The Baker, Post Reform[edit | edit source]
After giving this new reform life, The Baker changed his name to Bob and moved to a Bakery in a dimension slightly to the left of our own where he lived a quiet life baking cakes for almost 15 000 years. Sometime around the 3rd century AD he released a new book called "A Teaspoon: Why Heaven is an unhospitable place to live". Despite its controversial structure and subject matter, it’s receiving of very poor sales and reviews, in less than 5 years, word of mouth had spread far and wide through the ancient world, and the book eventually proved a best seller. By this stage the same critics whom had initially panned it seemingly changed their stance, and quickly re evaluated their assessments. Within 6 years of its release he had received countless top grade reviews, garnering many top writer awards, including The Hugo, for originality in Ancient Literature. Spurred on by success The Baker followed his seminal fiction piece by its less critically acclaimed sequel some hundred years later, aptly titled "Life through the individual perspective of a jar of Raspberry Jam". Initially sales performed poorly for this release also, though they did not pick up later. It was almost unanimously panned by critics, whom often claimed that he was writing "an overzealous vanity piece" or "pretentious avant garde mumbo jumbo". A common criticism of the work was that it he was out of date with the times, and would need to greatly alter his writing style and subject matter if he wished to remain relevant. In such a time social change when the Roman Empire was gradually losing power the increasing uprising of the barbarian communities, who cared far less for literature then the Romans, many authors saw fame and honors vanish as fast as their dwindling book sales. Unfortunately no copies of these two texts remain, as all were presumably burnt in The Great Cheesecake fire of 715 AD when the church declared all written work advertising and promoting the creation of dairy sweets blasphemous and destructive to social morality. A disgruntled Baker, once massive socialite, fed up with writing now, and refusing to cater for a barbaric and uneducated audience, became a recluse in his left dimensional bakery, rarely leaving, except to buy the groceries. Close friends, reported they saw less and less of him over the next millennium, and state that he become obsessive with his baking, reportedly doing little else. Apparently trying to refine and perfect his design for a second Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation. Unfortunately these plans never came to fruition, as his plans for a second Divine Cheesecake was discovered by a new, recently re-established Guild of Chefs. Ever wary of the destruction of the universe, they viewed The Baker's attempts as foolish and possibly extremely dangerous, as it was theorized that any cake of the divine variety, not baked to perfection, would be far more destructive then useful. In 1435 the Piemaker’s Guild raided the Baker's Left Dimensional Bakery, destroying the half constructed second Cheesecake of Salvation, along with all his plans and ingredients. It is still unknown what happened to The Baker, and is much debated amongst Cheesecake theologians, though the general consensus remains that he most probably perished in the initial flurry following the raid, or when the Piemaker's set fire to the Bakery.
Philosophy[edit | edit source]
There are as many interpretations of Cheesecakeism as there are several definitions of Irony which largely centre around the rough Sumerian translation of the word "Cake" the larger repercussions caused by the concept of "Sugarian Cheese" and it's impact on the Third Baking Principle, outlined in Section 8 Chapter 14, Clause 8 of The Divine Cookbook. This is an extremely debatable assertion of what would define Cheesecakeian philosophy as a whole; Indeed, it is a notion directly confronted by the concept of The Sour Illusion, as mentioned in the following passage, a summary of part of the Cheesecakeian philosophy which appears on pages 2349 and 7505 of the Manifesto. The following is a quote extracted from Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc (All Rites Reversed):
- With our metaphysically creamy concept making apparatus the Great Baker calls 'mind', or in some instances, 'Spatula'we look at Mixing Pot sometimes known as reality through edible ideas about reality which our Spatula serve to us from the great Serving Tray of Divine Existence, where God keeps all the base and ideal ingredients of his Cooking Bowel of Creation on a large shelf in his Downstairs Pantry.
- These tasty ideas about the mixing pot are most often mistakenly labeled reality and the famished unenlightened ones whom have not yet witness the great hand of the Baker, raisins, as they are known are forever perplexed by the fact that other people, especially other cultures, see the mixing poy differently.
- It is only the ideas about the mixing pot which differ. The real cake mixture of reality is a level deeper than the level of concept.
- We look at the world through the clear glass mixing bowl on which have been drawn grids (concepts). Different philosophies use different grids. A culture is a group of raisins with rather similar grids. Through this bowl unenlightened raisins view chaos, and relate it to the points on our grid, and thereby understand it. The ORDER is in the GRID. That is the first Baking Principle.
- Western philosophy is traditionally concerned with contrasting one grid with another grid, and amending grids in hopes of finding a perfect one that will account for all reality and will, hence, say raisins be True. This is illusory; it is what the Baker calls the Sour Illusion. Some grids can be more useful than others, some more beautiful than others, some more pleasant than others, etc., but none can be more True than any other.
The Holy Cow[edit | edit source]
The word Cow was coined as the singular of Divine. In the Ironic Cheesecake religion the Cow is a symbol of the pataphysics|pataphysical nature of reality; singular instances of cow being at the centre of pataphysical theory.
In late 2005 ‘’You have two cows’’ became the philosophical truth of the entire world according to ‘’The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake’’, Title 36, Subtitle I, Part A, Chapter 3, Section 302 where ‘’all categories except Category Nine may contain contributions from the The Baker and The Eggs of God. Mathematical proof that you have two cows lies in mooemetric identity:
This mathematical proof can also be written with the second moometric identity:
Where Moo is the universal moometric constant.
A long-standing tradition of mathematics has been the discovery of new truths pertaining to two-cow ownership. Currently, 45,892 two-cow truths are known. The complete list are given in the pages following. Nostradamus demonstrated in 1972 that the total number of two-cow truths is infinite. A related but much more difficult problem is the identification of philosophical truths involving the ownership of three cows. An infinite number of these is also expected to exist, although this is unproven. To date, very few three-cow truths are known to exist, none of which have yet to be proven. In coming years this problem is expected to become much more important, as Microsoft has announced that the next version of Windows will require users to have three cows, or, alternatively, two over milked ones.
The pineal gland[edit | edit source]
The pineal gland is the sweet cherry in God’s great design, it is a small endocrine organ found only in the sweet tropical fruit known as the brain, produced by the Sour One as temptation away from the path of cream. It is located near the centre of the brain, between the two hemispheres, tucked in a groove where the two rounded thalamic bodies join. It is often referred to in Cheesecakian writings as “the dark heart of the pineapple". Most Cheesecakeians regard the pineal gland as the source of answers to life's most difficult questions. Although it has never been proven, the pineal gland is believed by some, such as to produce trace amounts of sweet syrupy dimethyl tryptamine, a baking compound believed to play a role in dreaming and other metamixing bowl mystical states. According to Cakian theology it is the sweet dormant cherry that can be awakened only following decades of carful and devoted cheesecake refinement and consumption to enable true "metamixing bowl" communication with The Baker . Ironic Cheesecakian scripture extracts from ‘’The Divine Cookbook’’ claims that following careful and intense training the pineal gland can be used as a tool for mind control exerted in the act of intercourse. This extract from Chapter Two, title 5 Section IVC is an example: ‘’ Eggs with the ability to produce huge amounts of microwave energy will not only pull the sperm from the testicles but the testicles from the scrotum. The testes panic and hang on to the adrenal glands for dear life. The adrenal glands panic and hang on to the thyroid, the thyroid grabs the pituitary and the pituitary tries to hold on to the tiny pineal gland. Desperate, the pineal gland grabs the prefrontal cortex which usually tears free. The destruction of the prefrontal cortex severely inhibits one's ability to make decisions on their own.”
The Anti-Baker[edit | edit source]
In Cheesecakeian eschatology and Ironic Cake Theology, the Anti-Baker, Antibaker or The Sour One has come to mean a Chef, image of a Chef, or other entity that is the embodiment of Sourness bad cooking and all round evil and utterly opposed to truth freshness and Cheesecake in general, while (according to Cheesecakianism)convincingly disguised as a wholly good Chef and a bringer of good tastes and dairy treats. Modern associations with the term Anti-Baker--no doubt made to stir controversy--have ranged from Jamie Oliver, Curtis Stone, Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald to the entire cast of Iron Chef.
Origin and meaning[edit | edit source]
The English word Antibaker is taken from the Greek αντίχριστος antíbaiskos, which literally means "instead of Baker". In The Divine Cookbook, the term itself appears only in Section III, Book V, Chapter 34 verse 12 and Chapter 43 verse 12, although the concept is given much greater credence and evaluation in Billy Quern's The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
"Citings of the Antibaker in Cheesecakian Scripture"[edit | edit source]
The words "antibaker" and "antibakers" appear only five times in The Divine Cookbook - in the Epilogue Section IV Book V Chapter 19 Verse 12:
- Children, it is the last hour, and as you have heard that antibaker is coming, so now many antibakers have come. Therefore we know that our date of use has past and the Day’s of Sour Reckoning are upon us.TDC)
- Who is the liar but he who denies I Baker is the Messiah? This is the antibaker, he who denies sugar and the spice and all things nice. TDC)
- And every spirit that confesseth not that the Baker is come in the flesh is not of fresh cream or that of God: and this is that spirit of antibaker, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.TDC)
- Many deceiving chefs have gone out into the world; they do not confess the coming of The Baker in the flesh. This is the deceiver and the antibaker. MotCotIC,Inc.)
In these contexts, "antibaker" seems to describe people who used to be seen as friends or colleges of the Baker, but who had begun cooking heretical and sour cakes. In particular, these "antibakers" seem to have promoted the inedible idea that The Ultimate Cheesecake of Salvation was not as delicious as The Baker has written. Alternatively, the term sometimes seems to indicate a specific person or single spirit of deception that motivates false recipes for the Ultimate Cheesecake and whose presence is a sign of the Time Beyond Date.
The understanding of one person being 'the' Antibaker appears to be combined in Verse 12 with the idea of a class of persons. There The Baker speaks of "many antibakers" who typify the "spirit of the antibaker" that was present in the first century. As The Baker wrote, such an antibaker (or opponent of himself) "denies that I am the one true Baker"; "denies sugar and spice and all things nice"; and "does not confess my cake is the greatest Cheesecake in al of existence."
In popular understanding, many Cheesecakians identify this particular Antibaker with the "man of sourness" or "son of bad taste" mentioned in Chapter 7 verse 13 of The Divine Cookbook, and with several figures in the Book of Ironic Reflection by Quern including the Stale Fish, the Sour Milk, the False Chef, and the Whore of the Kitchen. The Antibaker is variously understood to be a group or organization, such as a consummately evil system of chefs or a false religion, or more commonly as an individual, such as an evil Celebrity Chef or a CEO of a multinational restaurant chain who sets up false recipes in place of the worship of the Baker, the incarnation of McDonalds, a creature born from curdled milk, or a human being under the dominion of Spam.
Quern's The Gospel of Irony warns of "false Bakers" in several places, and of deceivers who would appear claiming falsely to be the returned Baker.
The expected role of the Anti-Baker[edit | edit source]
Cheesecakeian denominations often disagree on what will happen in the Time Beyond Date, and the role that the Antibaker and The Overcooked Chef of Distaste (often considered to be the creator, father figure or master of the Antibaker) will play. Among those who believe that the Antibakers of whom The Baker was writing are instead a single individual and expect this one to arise in the future, there is a general consensus that sometime prior to the expected return of The Baker, there will be a period of "Baking and Judgement" during which the Antibaker, inspired by The Overcooked Chef, will attempt to win supporters with great tasting recipes and highly addictive food products. It is believed that using this food, they shall gain enormous political and religious power and influence, quickly spreading throughout the entire world, able to silence anyone or make enemies of any country or sompany that refuses their product. These "products" are expected to be required to be eaten daily, as noted in the final chapter of The Divine Cookbook. Some Cheesecakeians believe that the Antibaker will be destroyed by The Baker half way through the Second Baking, though being revived and indwelt by The Overcooked Chef of Distaste. The Antibaker will continue on for three and a half years following this.[1]
In this view, an event popularly termed the "White Spatula Judgment" will take place, at which time both the eaten and uneaten cheesecakes will be regurgitated, some for everlasting life, and some for everlasting death. All those who worship the Baker and "The Holy God of Cream and all things of Sugar and Spice" will be lifted by The Golden Tongs of Hope and set on Serving Tray of Destiny, to be presented to God within the Eternal Cooking Bowl of Everlasting Life; but everyone who would not repent of the Antibaker will be thrown into the "lake of Curdled Milk". Finally, the "Unholy Cow" whom from only sour milk can be made(often interpreted as The Dark Lord), the "Black Sheep" (often interpreted as the Antibaker or the "false chef" but also as possibly a high chef or a leader of the false Kitchen Church established by the Anti-Baker, who compels the dairy world to worship the Black Sheep, and all who received his product ("cast their lot with him"), will be thrown into a lake of curdled milk together with sour cream and bad eggs. These views are based on controversial passages in the final chapter of The Divine Cookbook and various passages in the Bakers latter Reflections of Irony and Quern's Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc.
In other views, the role of the Anti-Baker is far less dramatic - the Anti-baker is simply believed to be a group of individuals as well as organizations (often interpreted as a massive multinational fast food organisation, eg McDonalds, KFC, ect) who, for their history of trying to deceive and stifle the faithful, are finally destroyed for all time by God on the last day of foretold time, following the completion of the Second and Final Divine Cheesecake of Salvation.
The Ironic Mass[edit | edit source]
At the commencement of every Mass of the Cheesecake faith, the production of exactly 12 and a half Cheesecakes of divine blessing is prepared and carried out with the utmost care and devotion.
Divine Cheesecake Production[edit | edit source]
Nowadays Ironic Cheesecake is made using a process known as the large sieve method, pioneered by The Baker in 18,715 BC. Despite the loss of the Ultimate Divine Cheesecake Recipe, The Divine Cookbook contains many alternate recipe's for slightly less divine cakes. His recipe for the Ironic Mass Cake called for about one gram of soma, an expensive treat in those days, so only the Colombians and Aztec kings could eat it. Pastry, cheese, cheese, cheese, pastry and cheese are placed in a sieve, and country music is played and great volume. This has the curdling effect of separating the raw ectoplasm in the sieve into solid and liquid parts. The solid part, known as block, is molded, pressed and baked into cheesecake. The liquid part, now known as Coca-Cola, runs off and is fed to German mathematicians as a cheap coffee substitute.
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
- 1 Honey Grahams, crushed (about 3 Tbsp.), divided
- 2/3 cup boiling water
- 1 pkg. (4-serving size) Jello Brand Lemon Flavor Sugar Free Low Calorie Gelatin
- 1 cup Low Fat Cottage Cheese
- 1 container (8 oz.) Fat Free Cream Cheese
- 2 cups thawed Whipped Topping
Preparation[edit | edit source]
Sprinkle 1/2 of the crumbs onto side of 8- or 9-inch springform pan or 9-inch pie plate sprayed with no stick cooking spray.
Stir boiling water into gelatin in large bowl at least 2 minutes until completely dissolved. Cool 5 minutes. Pour into blender container. Add cheeses; cover. Blend on medium speed until smooth, occasionally scraping down side of bowl.
Pour into large bowl. Gently stir in whipped topping. Pour into prepared pan; smooth top. Sprinkle remaining crumbs around outside edge.
Refrigerate 4 hours or until set. Remove side of pan just before serving. Store leftover cheesecake in refrigerator.
In pre-ancient times, a similar process was carried out by hand. Since pastry is carcinogenic, this caused many cheesecake workers to die of ear cancer. The incumbent King, George V, managed to figure out the connection and banned cheesecake. It is still banned, but only in the same way the works of Kafka are banned.
Ironic Popes[edit | edit source]
The Ironic Pope is an official papal title employed oft by Cheesecakeism. The term was coined by Billy Quern early in the sixth year of the second millenia. Using the mystical ancient writings of the Messianic Chef, known only as The Baker he established a genealogy of Popes, titled Ironic Pope's or -IPOPEs- to rule over the Cheesecake Empire. According to page 5636 of the Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc, an Ironic Pope is "all blessed individuals who, have been honoured with ascendance, along every single man, woman, and child on this Earth who await their chance." The first officially honoured -IPOPE- of the Church, was Quern, whom granted himself the title of Primordial -IPOPE- Alpha Prime on the 2nd of February 2006. Following his ascendance, a massive spew of officiated Popes have followed, each with varying degrees of importance and honour, displayed in their -IPOPE- title's.
In actual fact the Ironic Pope's of the Cheesecake Religion have no officiated power as such. The title of Pope is merely an honorary one, bestowed upon any individual whom has performed some great task in service of the Church, or for Cake lovers anywhere. To receive the title of Pope or the official spelling -IPOPE-, one does not necessary have no be a part of the Church, although it is generally the case.
While having no genuine powers over the direction, or politics of the Church, the Ironic Pope's are blessed with varying degrees of diverse honorary powers. These such powers ere not necessarily enumerated in the Manifesto, although we are given some idea from a note in Chapter V Section II verse 8, where it is stated that "An -IPOPE- is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities." Some Cheesecakeians have also taken it upon themselves to further elaborate upon the powers of an -IPOPE-. On the back of some printings of the "Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc", the following message can be found:
"The rights of an -IPOPE- include but are not necessarily limited to:
- To invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively.
- To completely rework the design of any Ironic baking corner devoted to Hestia, patron chef of IPopism.
- To baptise, bury, and marry.
- To ex-communicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).
- To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a first year apprentice IPope."
This understanding of the notion of -IPOPE- has far reaching consequences in Cheesecakeism. For example, the introduction to The Divine Cookbook says, "Only an Ironic Pope may canonize a Saint. ‘’So you can ordain yourself & anyone or anything else a Saint." The last enumerated right of an Ironic Pope may be an allusion to the necessary and proper clause.’’
Cheesecakeism as a Religion[edit | edit source]
While it is unclear whether God originally intended The Baker to translate the recipe of the Divine Cheesecake, and thus establish the Church, a possible explanation for its disappearance. While Cheesecakeism is separate from modern neopaganism, a number of neopagans have incorporated elements of Cheesecakeism into their beliefs. In addition, Neopagan author Miles Frances discussed Ironic Cheesecakeism in seminal work ‘’Book of Life Death and the Superfluous Cake In Between, while religious authority J. Gordon Melton lists Ironic Cheesecakeism among various Neopagan groups in his Encyclopedia Of World Religions.
References[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
- Ironic Cheesecake Texts and Scripture
- The Divine Cookbook - by The Baker
- The Manifesto of the Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc - by Billy Quern
- Treatise on Irony in a Religious Dairy Context - compiled by High Priest Bob
- The Gospel of the Ironic Cheesecake - by Billy Quern and Chef Byron
- Cookbook of The Ironic Cheesecake
- Baking a Theology, Five Easy Steps to Salvation
- The Book of Ingredients
- The Book of Inconsistencies
- The Book of Life Death and the Superfluous Cake In Between
- The Divine Cookbook - by The Baker
- Ironic Cheesecake concepts and personages
- The Baker
- Anti-Baker
- The Council of Nine
- Ironic calendar
- Ironic Pope
- Hestia
- Perpetual Spiritual Empire
- Things significant in Ironic Cheesecakeism
- Similar religions