Template:Tip of the day
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| “ | Sadly, there are some sadistic morons who will want to stop you experiencing the ecstasy of flight (not to mention the Ecstasy you brought with you) and will do anything to stop you. Before proceeding you should watch the bit in any episode of The A-Team where Face scams a plane, and make notes.
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| “ | Unlike the Keifer method, where the chopsticks are taped to the thumb and forefinger, the chopsticks are taped to the index and middle finger. The chopsticks are then used with a thrusting motion, to poke out the eyes of a nearby waiter.
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Would you like to know more?</option> Fiddling time can be changed to suit your needs, but a time of approximately 45 minutes or more is typically recommended. |
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| “ | If your religion advocates killing, then you're not very concerned about PR; just kill your critics.
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| “ | You may think that attempting to run straight through a brick wall is pointless, but if the guy telling you to fuck off is big enough, it's no worse than what he's likely to do to you!
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| “ | Subdue and calm the dancer by whispering in its ear. The creature, now out of its element, will be eager to do what ever makes you happy (such as having an interesting conversation).
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| “ | Congratulate your boss on all achievements, even if it's something like filling a glass of water or using the bathroom.
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| “ | Every time that your drunken dad would yell "What're the odds that you'll amount to anything in life? One in a Bazillion" and then start beating the walls with an empty wine bottle, he was lying.
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| “ | If you hear someone sneeze do not hesitate to say "God bless you". Atheists hate that.
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| “ | Comparing someone to Hitler is fine when the person you are comparing to Hitler is not (for example) Hitler himself.
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| “ | Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher".
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| “ | Trying to crowd surf on top of one person is inadvisable; it often results in severe injury.
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| “ | The trenchcoat is no longer your enemy waiting in the shadows waiting to pounce. The trenchcoat is your friend! Take it out shopping or swimming with you!
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| “ | If your personal or um...political sensibilities prevent you from setting foot inside a gun store, you just might be a pussy.
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| “ | It is absolutely vital that you perfect your evil laugh before you can be taken seriously as a supervillain. No-one is going to take you seriously if, after announcing to the world's leaders your diabolical plot to hold the world to ransom, you giggle like a little schoolgirl who's just seen her friend pee herself.
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| “ | DO NOT use an actual mouse, as it will not like where you shove the wires.
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| “ | Yes, use that beard that you've got! Don't tell me you haven't got one - grow one, you're a man after all, and women, you've got no excuses either. If you've managed to evolve from a mere rib into a full human body, then you should have no problems in growing a mere beard.
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| “ | Only use a window if it is on the ground floor. Now is not the time to try parachuting from a 5 storey building..
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| “ | Beware, in some countries (like America, and the Ocean), breathing is often considered a dangerous and difficult task. Make sure to pick something you are comfortable doing.
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| “ | One popular way of telling your parents you'd prefer boys is to mumble that you're gay incomprehensibly so that they have a hard time deciphering that you're trying to stumble out of the closet.
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| “ | As long as you achieve that all important reaction of "Holy shit! That thing is huge! Is that even a person!?" then you will have become morbidly obese.
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| “ | Grip him firmly. There is nothing worse then a floppy, half-hearted attempt of a hug.
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| “ | The most important part of robbing a bank with your penis is to become a master of the penis. You must be a veritable penis samurai, a ninja of the cock. This means being able to maximize your penis's deadly potential. Practice with your Wiimote.
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| “ | Lab coats should be white, or at least indicate they once were white, and maybe with a one or two chemical stains or acid-burns. Any coloured lab coats invoke an impression of a twat.
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| “ | Building a thermonuclear weapon in the privacy of your own home has never been easier. It has also never been more irresponsible and dangerous, you reckless fool.
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| “ | In order to chair a meeting, you must be in possession of a chair. It would be stupid to kneel a meeting, wouldn't it?
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| “ | At the side of your face, add two semi circles, representing the ears. Remember that these are to be pointy if the person is an elf.
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| “ | Skin and pluck your hat, being careful not to lose any of the succulent juices.
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| “ | If you have trouble, feel free to break out that Machine gun, and just shoot constantly until that old tire is the only thing left.
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| “ | Uncyclopedia editors are encouraged to climb the Reichstag building dressed as Spider-Man in order to gain advantage in a content dispute.
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| “ | Running away prevents any more aggressive actions to be taken against you, and effectively frees you from having to take a hike. Unless, of course, you run away into the wilderness.
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| “ | Now, this computer is misbehaving - you've got to show him who is the master here, and who is the puppet. Who's the daddy? You tell the computer - you speak the mind.
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| “ | Try to get your song banned. Teenagers are much more likely to buy it.
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| “ | Dynamite is dirty stuff, and causes a real mess if handled incorrectly. Ever tried getting blood stains out of soft furnishings? Thought not.
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| “ | If you're confused, and unsure of what dosage to take, try taking 1 dose and see how you feel in an hour. If you're fine, try taking 2 and waiting another hour. If you're still fine, take 4 and wait another hour.
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| “ | Try to avoid the forces of evil that will do everything in their power to thwart your noble bipedal movements.
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| “ | Some people love the platitude "practice makes perfect". So here it is for you. Practice makes perfect. Practice saying that 100 times and you should remember it perfectly.
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| “ | A lot of British pastimes involve watching the television and drinking beer until you can't piss straight.
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| “ | Parents know that counting to 3 is very, very, VERY difficult, and will keep the bewildered child busy with the challenge for at least 30 days.
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| “ | It is usually best not to just come right out with "Alonzo! You have been stealing preserves!," but to instead lock him in a closet for a week, feeding him nothing but preserves.
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