The Land of Swedenland
|Motto: "Swedenland: One Country Over God"|
|Anthem: "DA AAAA- A- A- AAAR"|
|Capital||DAAAAAAAAAAAAR - WIN|
|Largest city||DAAAAAAAAAAAAR - WIN|
|‑ President||Arnold Schwarzenegger|
|National Hero(es)||Chuck Norris|
|Your request is not granted|
|Religion||Strong belief in 'Bud-DAAAAAAR'|
|Major exports||Pure Arnie|
|Major imports||The true meaning of pain|
Swedenland is generally thought to exist in western Europe, although nobody has ever confirmed this. Long thought to be due to any attempt at exploration failing miserably thanks to blood thirsty locals and their passion for skull-crushing, recently paleo-archeo-oldstuff-ologists have suggested connections between Swedenland and Atlantis due to both having a source of forgotten power (refer to Swedenland's power generation method). With this in mind, possible locations for Swedenland now range from the Gulf of Mexico to Your mum's basement. Who'd have thought that for all these years you've been sharing it with a lost civilization?
The population of Swedenland is composed entirely of men, due to the enormous amounts of testosterone babies are exposed to, who reproduce in an asexual fashion. These men are not your ordinary men, but rather muscle bound body-building-super-men made of 5% water, 5% steel and 90% win. Renowned for their ability to fucking kill anything they come across in a spectacular manner, Swedenland is directly responsible for 24.612312% of all death that has ever occurred, only 5% behind Mr. T and 10% behind Chuck Norris. Swedenland men are endowed with god like abilities, such as the power to create and destroy matter with their fists, to inspire fear into inanimate objects, create a language that is based upon varying amounts of 'A's in 'DAAAAR' coupled with specific emphasis on particular 'A's, as well as invincibility.
In the Beginning
The life of a Swedenland man starts when another Swedenland man creates a baby by punching matter into existence. Shortly after this, the baby is personally suckled by Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose 'man-milk' (Patented 2002: 'Pure Arnie') when consumed by the child results in grossly disproportional muscle growth, severe loss of vocal motor function and an overwhelming urge to crush human skulls.
Thus the child is christened into the life of a Swedenland man, and begins an intensive training program that spans for the rest of his life.
A Swedenland man's (note absence of 'boy' phase in life) childhood is molded by a very unique education system. They are sent to a communal area of learning, somewhat a cross between a kindergarten and a gladiatorial arena (Refer to Baby Thunder-dome).
As opposed to the commonly practiced method of study followed by intermittent examinations, the Swedenland curriculum rather focuses on the students' ability to perform a curl (or in major examinations, bench presses) with any material discussed in class.
For example, in chemistry a Swedenland man would be required to perform a curl with 1 tonne of each element known to man. For hydrogen, the student is required to intimidate the universe into presenting them with a tonne of hydrogen, at which point they are to compress it with their bare hands into a solid, a feat not usually achievable in the absence of 27K (approx. -183C) temperatures, and do a set of 9001 curls (see OVER 9000!!). Harder subjects include geology, geography and astrology.
In the 2007 annual census of Swedenland, it was found that 100% of males aged 18+ (or 18- for that matter) have PhD's in body building. Due to the nature of Swedenland's Employment conditions, this qualification is both acceptable and relevant to any industry, granted the Swedenland man be provided with on-the-job specific training.
Apart from the universal qualification of body building (Swedenlandish: DAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAR!!!) labor is quite evenly distributed between all disciplines. Although, as with any super-human race, the ratio of production vs population is astoundingly high. Swedenland is currently the world's leading exporter of any resource that can be described as needing 'man power' to procure. See Industry for further information.
In the history of Swedenland, there have been no recorded deaths, except of course that of trespassing tourists, explorers, adventurers and at one point the entire Persian Army who were on their way to Sparta. Thus with the evidence at hand, it is safe to conclude that due to one of their godly powers, namely invincibility, no Swedenland men have ever died.
For countless generations the men of Swedenland (well really it only takes one man, but they divide the work between them so that each may have time to indulge in finer things, such as body building and nihilistic blood rampages) have worked the land of Swedenland with their bare hands and fists. In less then a day, a single Swedenland man may plow up to 100 000 acres of land, by playing golf (Refer to sport for further details).
Depending on the needs of Swedenland, which as a super-human race also requires a dis-proportionally high ratio of food to population, Swedenland farmers may choose to farm following normal seasonal patterns, or intimidate crops into growing and producing constantly, regardless of weather conditions. Conversely, they may also flex at the seasons themselves, thus frightening them into remaining in a temperature and condition that enables maximum yield. As with the seasons, pests and diseases don't have the balls or death wish to stand up to Swedenlanders, and as such stay the fuck away from their crops.
Mining and Metals
Mining is usually carried out by a team of 1 Swedenland man. Using his overly large arms, he is able to dig into the earth faster than a badger or even mole in proportional contrast, and rip the metallic entrails from mother earth herself.
Raw ore processing is usually carried out on-site by the Swedenlander, who first orders any impurities to present themselves to the side of the metal, and punches them into non-existence as an example to all the others. The pure ore is then hammered and pressed into a bar, or in the advent that the metal is of an undesirable type, it is either crushed into a denser element or stretched into a less dense element.
Although in theory a Swedenlander could perform this type of transmutation on any substance to turn it into any desired substance, they rather enjoy the work out that is inherent in digging open cut pits with their bare hands, as well as kicking mother nature's ass.
Swedenlanders have the lowest carbon emissions per capita in the world. Despite their notoriously low tolerance for mother nature's 'global warming' bullshit, they simply do not require fossil fuel to power their society, and rather rely on their overwhelming muscle strength.
Since many forms of either land or sea transportation are obsolete due to their ability to out perform both, the only viable form of transportation the Swedenlanders can utilize is that of the air. Swedenland men have harnessed the power of flight for millennia, ever since they threatened to kick God's ass and He revealed it to them.
The method of flight commonly used by a Swedenlander is to fold a sheet of steel into a gigantic plane, based upon paper plane designs, and throw it. Upon throwing it, the Swedenlander will proceed to run after it, before jumping on it as it hurtles forwards, and steer it to the desired destination by bending the wings.
Although all Swedenland technology generally relies on sheer power or fear, foreign technologies and appliances cannot be operated by simply punching them in or out of existence. Thus it is necessary to have a form of power generation so that the Swedenlander may operate more delicate items, such as heavy machinery or other common household appliances.
The Swedenland method of power generation requires a team of 2 Swedenland men. This is not to imply that one Swedenlander would not suffice for the process, it is rather just that the process is so much more awesome when 2 Swedenlanders are performing it. Using concepts of static electricity in conjunction with charge equalization, one Swedenland man stands at the end of a room, holding a plastic rod and a piece of wool. By rubbing the plastic rod against the wool vigorously in a tennis backhand motion while shouting "DAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!" (English: 'DAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!') a charge is created in the plastic rod that is so great it causes a lightning bolt to be shot across the room. At the other end of the room stands the second Swedenland man team member, who proceeds to grab the lighting bolt and wrestle it into the power point. Swedenland is powered for another day.
Swedenland men are currently in the top position for all official Olympic events. However, due to the monotony of other lesser athletes not being able to win a single event, the official Olympics is no longer broadcast, rather a Swedenland men free Paralympic version. Some of Swedenland's most popular sports include:
In their free time, or as actual work disguised, Swedenland men indulge in a game of golf. Not your usual golf of course, but a special Swedenland version. Swedenlander players are required to uproot a tree for club purposes, and instead of a golf ball, must hit a boulder into a hole (any depression in the earth will do. Running faster than the boulder and digging an open cut mine where it is expected to land results in immediate disqualification). Points are awarded and calculated based upon the size of the tree, weight of the boulder, and distance the boulder traveled to the hole. Bonus points are awarded conditionally, in the event the boulder either lands in or destroys a natural wonder of the world. Many acres of land are known to be upturned by a single swing, and to promptly rearrange itself into neatly plowed lines, for fear of incurring the wrath of the Swedenlanders. This aids the booming farming industry.
Contrary to popular belief that only one European country plays cricket, Swedenlanders also partake in the fantastic sport. At first, common rules were applied, though as the Swedenlanders found they did not require armor while batting at all due to the softness of the cricket ball in contrast to their reinforced, carbon-infused steel skin, new rules were introduced to make play more manly.
Capitalizing on the densest substance in the universe, the Neutron Star, Swedenland men created a hybrid sport of cricket, with elements of mortal combat. Using a neutron star as a ball (in retrospect,
approximately a teaspoon of neutron star is the same weight as the Earth, they use about 30 of these), the bowler runs along the pitch and bowls at extremely high speeds towards the batter. Due to the nature of the neutron star, in that it weighs approximately 30 times as much as the earth, upon contacting the ground it does not bounce, but rather begins to dig through the earth. The batter must then use the ripple of earth traveling towards him at 6 times the speed of sound to judge when the neutron star is directly beneath him. At the moment it is beneath him, the batter swings towards the earth as hard as he can, effectively digging the bat into the earth and hitting the neutron star from under ground towards the sky. Due to Newton's Law of Conservation, the inertia from the ball is transferred into the bat, and effectively into the Swedenlander, driving him up to 8 meters underground like a nail. It is then up to the batter to proceed to run through the earth as though he were wading in water to the wicket on the other side. Thus one run is awarded to the batting side.
Neutron stars are also commonly ground up and sprinkled onto their food, for a manly edge to every meal. Generally regarded to take too long and involve what Swedenlanders describe as 'Mediocre levels of awesomeness', approximately 20% of the population follow the Swedenland Cricket.
Some say that extensive use of neutron stars by Swedenlanders would screw with the Earth's orbit and send it spinning into the sun. To overcome this, Swedenlanders simply stare down Gravity until it complies with their own version of the laws of physics.
Conquests of other countries is a major part of Swedenland culture, and has been practiced by Swedenlanders for a very long time. As with most other facets of Swedenland, conquest has a very unique yet logical take on normal warfare. Initiating a war, for Swedenlanders, involves the strongest and burliest man in the Land (Arnold Schwarzenegger 7 years running) to lift up the particular tectonic plate Swedenland resides on at that moment, and hurl it at another country. Swedenland will then land on top of the country, resulting in an average mortality rate of the populace of 99.6% (survivors are usually overseas on holidays). Swedenlanders will then pile off the edges of their now plateau-like country and proceed to pummel the defending country with their fists, until it is below sea level, quite literally 'Attacking' the country.
Many iconic lost empires such as Atlantis, Lemuria and the Minoans pissed the population of Swedenland off. The constant warfare that Swedenlanders partake in also explains the issue with accurately locating Swedenland at any given time.
The National Anthem
- DA AAAA- A- A- AAAR,
- DAAAR (flex)- AA,
- AAR - DAAR!
- DAAR!! DAAR.
How to Identify a Swedenlander
- Size of biceps are larger than or equal to the size of the Swedenlander's head.
- You are over come by a sense of extreme fear and impending doom whilst observing the Swedenland man.
- You have an urge to crush human skulls.
- Yelling "DAAAaaaAAAAAAAARRRrrRRR!!!"
- Beating you at every single sport/game/Eurovision Song Contest/naked mud wrestling match known to man.
- Their skin appears to be made of some sort of steel.
- They arm wrestle Chuck Norris without fear of death.
- They are Chuck Norris.
- They break you into tiny pieces.
- You a splode at contact with the Swedenlander.
- You suffocate in their manly, manly chest hair.